


for what it's worth (it was worth all the while)

by irridesca



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben is 28 and Rey is 20, Boss/Employee Relationship, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Slow Burn, Summer Love, Trust Issues, Underage Drinking, Unresolved Sexual Tension, because it's A REAL THING, mentions of domestic abuse, the force is camp spirit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:55:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 52,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23626507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irridesca/pseuds/irridesca
Summary: Deep in the heart of the Texas Hill Country, surrounded by the winding bends of the Comal River, sits a camp that has existed for almost one-hundred years.It’s tucked away in a corner pocket on the east-end of the river, nestled behind an iron gate that creaks when it opens and bears an ornate insignia at its center. It has an ebullient soul, this place. It’s warm even in the cold winter months, but during summer, it’s alive.It hums and radiates; it draws you in and holds you for as long as you need it to. It transforms itself into whatever you need it to be.For Rey Johnson, in the summer of 2010, it turns intohome.Rey flies to Texas from the UK to be a summer camp counselor at Skywalker Ranch. Ben is the prickly new Summer Camp Director with a complicated past.
Relationships: Finn/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Armitage Hux, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 390
Kudos: 785





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a few things for me:
> 
> 1) A love letter to the summer camp I grew up going to. I was a camper from ages 8-15 and went through all the training programs to become a counselor. My last year was 2012 and I genuinely miss it almost every day.
> 
> 2) A complicated, cathartic amalgamation of all the pain, heartache, love and joy I felt during my years there as a young adult. I wanted to find a way to encompass the complexity of those experiences while also providing a satisfying happy ending for Ben and Rey. I hope it works well.
> 
> 3) A healing exercise. I've never put into words the way this place shaped me into who I am today. I hope that after writing this, it might be a little easier for me to finally say goodbye to it.
> 
> Please let me know what you think! I love reading comments here and also at my [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) & [twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe)

Deep in the heart of the Texas Hill Country, surrounded by the winding bends of the Comal River, sits a camp that has existed for almost one-hundred years. 

It’s tucked away in a corner pocket on the east end of the river, nestled behind an iron gate that creaks when it opens and bears an ornate insignia at its center. 

In midsummer, when the sun is highest in the sky and the heat is so thick that it seems to vibrate, there are children at the camp. The heat doesn’t bother them much; they’re distracted by a slew of outdoor activities like archery, horseback riding, and BB guns. When they do get too hot, they swim in the river or the inground pool. 

Here, they can truly be kids.

They can sing camp songs and laugh unabashedly at campfire skits and eat s’mores to their heart’s content. They can paint and run and swim and _play_. 

Here, they can find a balm to any turmoil the world has burdened them with too young. They can trust those around them to share the weight of the burdens.

They learn that it’s okay to lean on their friends and their counselors when things feel heavy. 

They sob incoherently when it’s time to go back home. They promise their cabinmates that they’ll write and call and they _adamantly_ insist that they’ll be back next summer. 

And every year, the camp welcomes them back with open arms.

It has an ebullient soul, this place. It’s warm even in the cold winter months; but during summer, it’s alive. 

It hums and radiates; it draws you in and holds you for as long as you need it to. It transforms itself into whatever you need it to be. 

For Rey Johnson, in the summer of 2010, it turns into _home_. 

**MAY 2010**

_three months earlier_

In retrospect, Rey knows that she should have trusted her gut when it felt like this was all too good to be true. 

_Go to America_ , they said. _It’ll be fun_ , they said. 

But now, as she’s standing outside a Texas airport in the dead of summer, she’s certain that her friends are all full of shit. She's got her face buried in her phone, shooting off a string of angry text messages to Finn. He's the one that got her into this mess and he _will_ find a way to get her out of it. 

_**it is fucking hot** _

_**did i know it was going to be this hot here? i don’t think u said that** _

_**like i get that it’s texas but it’s literally like 38 c here finn** _

_**what the fuck did you talk me into** _

She’s halfway through a stream of expletives about how she’s completely drenched her favorite turquoise vest in sweat when a massive black pickup truck pulls up next to her. It’s humongous. Ridiculously so. There’s no way it’s necessary for someone to have a vehicle this big.

When the driver rounds the corner to greet her, Rey has to stop her jaw from going completely slack.

Before her is a woman that is like, _barely_ over five feet. 

“You Rey Johnson?” she asks, her voice almost as big and boisterous as the truck. 

Rey nods and looks down at her phone, quickly pulling up the welcome email. “Are you,” she looks down, scrolling to find the right name. “Leia Organa?” 

The woman nods. “Guilty as charged. Throw your stuff in the bed there,” she says, pointing to the long bed behind the truck. “We gotta get going if we want to make it back to camp before dark.” 

It’s an interesting sight, Leia driving this monster of a truck. Rey has learned that it's called an F-350 and belongs to her son, Ben, who lets her borrow it because she likes listening to his Sirius radio on long drives. 

“First time in the U.S.?”

Rey’s reveling in the cold air that’s blasting her from the vents on either side of the glove compartment when she nods.

“Got placed at Skywalker Ranch through Outdoor Leaders.”

Leia purses her lips and nods. “Good deal. They’re very reputable. That’ll look good on your resume. And what about summer camp? Ever been to one?”

“Nope.” 

Leia gives her a once over before smirking, her expression almost mischievous. 

“Hoo, boy.” Leia clicks her teeth, shaking her head with that same smirk still on her lips. “You’re gonna love it, honey.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

The camp is about four hours away from the airport in San Antonio, so by the time they’re ten miles out, the sun has just set, leaving streaks of purplish-blue and pink in its wake.

They drive through a small, quaint town called Monroe on their way into Thorpe, where the camp is located. Rey knows the basics about Skywalker Ranch and its functions; it’s a campsite that runs an eight-week sleepaway summer camp during the on-season every year, and then additionally hosts other lodgers during the offseason, ranging anywhere from college basketball leagues to Girl Scouts of America. 

She gets a mini-history lesson from Leia, who tells her about how the camp has been in her family for generations, since her grandfather founded it in 1921. Back then it was an all-boys camp, but it became co-ed when her parents took over in the sixties. 

Luke, who interviewed Rey a month or so ago for the position of camp counselor, is the Executive Director and Leia is the office manager. Up until this summer, Leia’s husband, Han, was the Summer Camp Director. Leia tells Rey sadly of his passing the previous fall, and explains that thankfully, she was able to convince Ben to take up the mantle this year.

As they approach the camp, the windows are rolled down and Rey can hear the cracking of the rocky road below under the truck’s enormous tires. They’ve come upon an iron gate that opens like a book and has an **_S_ ** on one side and an **_R_ **on the other, along with a large, shiny plate bearing the Skywalker insignia (which Rey recognizes from the website) in the middle.

Leia rolls down the window and presses a button on the call pad that stands a few feet away from the gate. 

“Yeah?” a male voice answers. 

“Open up. I’ve got the first counselor of Skywalker Summer 2010 with me.” 

Rey hears whooping on the other end of the speaker and can’t help but smile as the gate creaks open. They roll down the dirt road slowly, passing signs that warn for cars to go as slow as possible because _children are at play_. 

There’s a large water slide that’s visible from the road as they move further onto the grounds, and Rey can see even with the quickly darkening sky that there is a string of cabins that line the road too, little red ones that each have their own tiny, rickety-looking staircases.

A massive house sits in the middle of the grounds near the large lap pool, and there’s a sand volleyball court not far from that and a few tetherball poles scattered around the perimeter. Two regulation-size soccer goals sit on either side of the large field that appears to be the centerpiece of the camp. 

Leia stays quiet most of the way through, letting Rey take it all in, but as they pull up to a large building with stone walls and glass doors, she speaks up. 

“This is Davis Hall. We do opening and closing ceremonies here, and this is where you’ll do all your cert stuff during staff training.” Leia turns the ignition and cuts the truck’s engine. “We also have camp dances here every Thursday,” she explains, proceeding to do a very slow and painful rendition of the _Macarena_ before she steps out of the truck on a customized step stool. 

“That’s handy,” Rey muses. Leia turns around and follows her line of sight. She nods, smiling softly. 

“Ben takes good care of me,” she says, and then slams the door shut. 

Rey’s unloading her luggage from the truck bed when a man in a large cowboy hat bursts through the front doors of Davis Hall, a whoop sounding from his lips that matches the one she heard at the gate. 

“You must be Rey!” he says excitedly, rushing up to her and reaching out a hand. Rey takes it and gives him a firm shake. 

“I am. Are you Luke?” she asks.

“I am in fact Luke, yes. Luke Skywalker, Executive Director.” He lets go of her hand and sticks his hands on his hips before glancing over at Leia. 

“Drive okay?” he asks. 

Leia nods and then looks quickly at her watch. “Shoot. We’ve got that Skype call with that Aussie gal in fifteen minutes,” she notes, looking between Luke and Rey. “Take her to meet Ben. He can show her around and get her settled.” 

Then Leia disappears around the corner of the building quickly and Rey is left with Luke, who she’s now noticing is sporting a multi-colored poncho with khaki cargo pants and bright yellow Crocs. It’s a mess of an image that she cannot make sense of even if she tries, but he seems to be more than comfortable with it.

She follows him into Davis Hall, which is illuminated by large fluorescent lights that hang from the ceiling. It’s such a stark contrast to the lowlight outside that Rey’s nearly squinting as they walk inside. There’s a stage at one end that sits between a few doors that look like offices with accompanying windows. Leia sits behind a desk at one of them, staring far too closely at a computer monitor. 

There’s climbing wall courses spread out on all four walls. They range in difficulty, the easiest no larger than six feet with a ton of hand and footholds, and the hardest standing at around twenty feet with multiple routes that lead to a cowbell waiting to be rung in victory at the summit.

In the middle of it all is a large concrete floor that shines despite various blemishes from years of love and use, and in the middle of that stands a tall man—Ben, she assumes—that’s arranging six large plastic tables into a semicircle and making a lot of noise as he works. 

“Hey Ben, come meet the first counselor of Skywalker Summer 2010!” 

What _is it_ with that? 

Ben doesn’t look up from his task, seemingly unsatisfied with the placement of the last table in the sequence, which has a paper sign that reads _LIFEGUARD TRAINING 2010_ hanging from the front of it. 

Rey stands there, feeling slightly foolish for at least a minute before he finally acknowledges them. The last chair is tucked neatly under its table and then he’s walking over to them and she’s abruptly made aware of the fact that he is _tall_. 

He’d been bending down to arrange the tables, secure the signs and unfold the chairs and she truly did not expect that he would almost tower over her, but he does. He _is._

He sticks a hand out and Rey’s eyes go slightly wide at the sight of it. It’s... _proportionate_ to his height, to say the least. 

“Ben,” he states, awaiting her hand. 

It knocks her back to reality and she’s reaching, and then feels warmth and calluses and a sturdy grip.

“Rey,” she replies. 

“Nice to meet you, Rey,” he says, but his face does not seem to agree with the sentiment. He’s towing a hyper-thin line between impassive and outright grumpy with a tiny wrinkle between his brows to prove it. 

“We’ve got a final interview with a girl from Australia in like…” Luke looks down at his watch, which Rey notices now is decorated with characters from Spongebob. “Oof, like _two minutes ago_. Can you show Rey to the girl’s cabins?” 

Luke’s backing away from them toward the direction of the offices before he even finishes his question, so Ben just stands there, neither agreeing nor disagreeing to the question that was obviously not a question at all. 

Then Luke’s gone, the door swinging shut behind him, and Rey’s left alone with Ben.

“Where’s your stuff?” he asks, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

“Just outside.” 

He nods, and then wordlessly starts to make his way to the exit. 

When they reach her belongings, Ben lifts the suitcase and the duffel bag up like they’re light as feathers and _not_ full of almost her _entire_ wardrobe and Rey’s about to open her mouth to protest when she sees the muscles in his arms straining slightly with the effort. His white t-shirt stretches over all his hard edges and Rey can’t help but gape a little. 

She follows him—having to speed walk a bit to catch up—to what looks like a suspension bridge that stretches over a ravine. It moves like waves as they walk, making her knees buckle slightly before she finally makes it all the way across. 

On the other side is another field, this one equipped with a baseball dugout and protective netting. There are cabins far off in the distance on Rey’s right and left side, and a large flagpole at the very center of it all. A high-flying flag with the Skywalker insignia is illuminated by a row of spotlights below. 

Ben’s already headed to the right, stalking toward cabins that sit near the top of a hill. The road they walk is paved and Rey’s blue Converse slap the blacktop loudly with each step. 

“This is my first summer here,” she tells Ben, speeding up slightly so she can be shoulder-to-shoulder with him as they hike.

He doesn’t look at her. “I gathered that.” 

“Is it yours?” she asks innocently, before giving it much thought. It only occurs to her after that it’s a stupid question.

He grew up here, after all. He’s basically Skywalker Royalty. 

Ben huffs mirthlessly. 

“No.” 

She breezes past it because he does _not_ seem like he cares to elaborate. 

“All of my friends were trying to convince me that I’m going to get _so_ homesick.” She starts rambling. It’s a habit she’s tried to kick her entire life; filling up empty spaces with jokes and anecdotes and useless facts she gets from Snapple’s bottle caps. 

“It’s my first time out of England.” 

Ben gives her a slow nod, but not much else. It’s becoming less and less clear to Rey why _this_ particular man has anything to do with a job involving children, specifically ensuring children have as much fun as possible during their _extremely_ expensive week at camp (she’d gasped _loudly_ when she stumbled upon the rates). 

“You can out-logic homesickness. It’s a technique we use here with the kids,” he says then, taking her a little by surprise. 

Rey’s face twists into confusion. “Out- _logic?”_

He nods. “You make a pros and cons list. Talk them through the cons of being at home instead of camp first, then talk them through the pros of being at camp instead of home. If you do it right, you’ll never get to the other parts.” 

She doesn’t mean to laugh. Really. It just...happens. 

Ben glares at her. “What about that is funny?” 

Rey’s still giggling, but she manages to get words out. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at _you_ or anything. It’s just that—that sounds like a load of bollocks.” 

He stops in his tracks. “Excuse me?” 

Uh oh. She’s done it again—Rey and her fucking _mouth_. Always getting into trouble.

She scrambles a little. “It just sounds so, I don’t know, _corporate.”_

Ben huffs again and shakes his head. He’s a tiny bit infuriating, this bloke. It urges her on.

“A kid that’s crying because she misses her mom doesn’t need to make a _list_. She needs a hug, and maybe a song, and someone to tuck her in and tell her that everything’s going to be alright. That even though this isn’t the home she _knows_ , it can be _a_ home all the same. Just with different people.” 

He seems to only take _one_ thing from her speech, and his next words are biting. 

“You shouldn’t use _hugging_ as a method to soothe your campers. It sets an inappropriate expectation.” 

Rey scoffs. “You’re kidding, right?” 

Ben squares his jaw. “I am absolutely not kidding.” He starts walking again.

She doesn’t even pretend to hide her indignance as they approach the cabins. 

“Look, this may be my first summer _here_ but it’s not my first time working with kids. Kids need affection and physical touch from people they trust. It enriches the bond. It comforts them, _especially_ when they’re in a strange place.” 

They’re nearly to the porch of the first cabin in a row of six when Ben stops walking again and spins around to face her head-on. The scowl that was lingering subtly on his face before has reared its head completely now, and his gaze is steely, almost bristling. 

“I’m gonna level with you here, Rey,” he starts. “I don’t care what you were doing before this. I don’t care if you were Mother Theresa. High fives and side hugs. That’s _it_. Anything more than that, and I’ll see to it that you’re on the first flight back to England.” 

Rey feels suddenly like her feet are glued to the asphalt. He’s trapped her where she stands with his animosity, his outright and completely _unwarranted_ disdain. 

“You’ve _got_ to be joking,” she blanches, her hands up at her sides, gesturing in disbelief. 

Ben lets out a long breath through his nose. 

“I believe we’ve thoroughly established that I am not.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

It’s almost impossible for Rey to sleep. The cabin is fine enough; it’s air-conditioned and has a connected bathroom with two toilets and two showers, and the bunk beds, while not luxurious by _any_ means, aren’t terribly uncomfortable. 

It’s not the cabin that’s the problem, nor is it the argument she had with Ben that keeps playing on a loop in her brain. 

It’s the _crickets_.

No one told her there were going to be so many fucking _crickets_.

They sing all through the night. It’s not a happy song, either, no, it’s a loud, invasive song; its volume ebbs and flows wildly, without care, and Rey swears at one point that they’re all right outside her window. There can't possibly be any other explanation for how loud they are. 

She must fall asleep at some point though, because when she wakes up, she’s no longer alone in the cabin. It’s a grey morning, but the sky’s light enough that the space inside is illuminated and Rey can see two other girls asleep in a bunk across from hers. There are two open trunks on the cement floor below them and they’re both covered in pictures, letters and other camp memorabilia. 

An alarm clock suddenly cuts through the quiet and Rey jumps. The source of the sound is sitting on the window sill of the bottom bunk, and the girl sleeping in it stretches an arm out dramatically before slapping it off. Slowly, she blinks her eyes open, and they survey the room until they land on Rey. 

“Morning,” the girl says, and offers a sweet, shy smile. 

A loud, inhuman sound comes from the top bunk where the other girl sits up, mouth wide open as she lets go of a powerful yawn. She glances over at Rey and raises her chin in greeting. Rey returns the gesture.

“You’re Rey, right?” the girl on the bottom bunk asks. Rey nods. 

“I’m Rose,” she says, and then points upward. “That’s my older sister, Paige. We’ll be counselors with you, but we’ve been coming here since we were little. This is our tenth summer.” 

Rey’s eyebrows shoot up. “What was that like?”

“Best place in the universe,” Paige pipes in as she swings her legs over the bunk’s railing so she can climb down. When she lands on her feet, she ducks down to look at Rey. 

“You British?” she asks gruffly. 

Rey nods. 

“Huh. That’s cool. Well, put some _pip pip_ in your Cheerios, Rey. We gotta get down to the dining hall for breakfast,” Paige tells her as she walks into the bathroom.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Brady Dining Hall sits atop a steep hill surrounded by woods and has multiple access routes. Rey follows Rose and Paige up a flight of tall, cement steps to get there, and she’s breathing hard by the time they reach the top. 

The building is two stories, and a large porch wraps around the top level. There are dozens of rocking chairs sitting around the perimeter, and at the front of the balcony hangs at least twenty flags from all different countries, waving lazily in the wind. 

A conversation is buzzing around the corner, and Paige perks up when she hears it. 

“I think some of the boys got here last night,” she reasons as they hike up another few steps up to the top level. 

They round the corner and find a group of boys sitting in rocking chairs. All of their heads jerk to look at the girls as they approach.

“Paige!” 

One of the boys is up and running towards Paige, who has her arms wide open to receive him. She squeals when he picks her up and proceeds to spin her around in a circle, her legs flying out into the air. “Oh, I _missed_ you, Dameron,” she sighs. 

He sets her down and then reaches out a hand to ruffle Rose’s hair. “Hey, kiddo. No more of that C.I.T. business for you, huh?” 

Rose rolls her eyes. “That’s right, Poe. I’m a counselor now, just like you, which means you can’t tell me what to do anymore.” 

Paige snorts.

Poe purses his lips, considering her. “Yeah, we’ll see about that.”

He turns to Rey then, and his playful smirk transforms into a bright, genuine smile that takes up most of his face. He’s _pretty_. There’s no doubt about that. 

“And who is this?” 

Rey sticks her hand out. “I’m Rey. From the UK. It’s my first summer here.” 

“We _know_ ,” says a voice behind Poe. Rey glances around him and sees a guy with a larger build and facial hair rocking back and forth in one of the chairs. He smiles at her and waves. 

“Put a lid on it, Temmin,” Poe says over his shoulder as he reaches out to take Rey’s hand.

“I’m Poe Dameron. That idiot is Temmin Wexley, but we all call him Snap. And _that_ idiot,” he points to another guy behind him that seems shier than Snap and smaller in stature, too. “Is Dopheld Mitaka. You can call him whatever you want.” 

Rey lets go of Poe’s hand and waves to them. 

He’s about to ask her something else when a loud cowbell starts ringing, and everyone in the little group that’s not standing quickly gets to their feet. 

They all start walking back around the corner, where there’s a glass door that’s been slid open and Luke is there, waiting for them at the entrance. Same Crocs; no cowboy hat this time. He’s got a large bottle of hand sanitizer in his hands and he greets everyone as they walk through the door with a smile and a generous dollop into their palm. 

“Good morning, Rey,” he says when he sees her. She smiles, following the crowd as she rubs the gel into her hands. 

Since there’s only a handful of them, they can all gather around one of the long tables in the dining hall. They sit on different colored wooden stools and each have their own place setting complete with tall, red plastic cups and paper-thin silver cutlery. 

Rey’s settling in when a familiar voice comes over the speaker. “Good morning, 2010 lifeguards,” it says, and the owner is clearly not inas good of a mood as Luke. 

Ben’s standing near the windows that open up into the kitchen with a microphone in his hand, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. 

“Morning, Ben,” they all—except Rey—respond in unison. 

Ben nods. “We’re still waiting on quite a few of our newbies to arrive, so training won’t actually start until this afternoon. Leia’s about to leave to pick up...” he glances down to the clipboard in his hand. “...Finn Roberts, Armitage—what kind of name is _Armitage_? Uh, Armitage Hux, and Gwen Phasma.” 

Rey’s heart leaps at the sound of Finn’s name. Just a few more hours and her best friend will be here; someone to make fun of all this honky-tonk, kumbaya stuff with and complain to about the fact that it’s already ridiculously hot outside and they haven’t even eaten breakfast yet. 

“In the meantime, we’ve got pancakes and sausage, coffee’s in the pot. You know what to do. Oh, and,” he looks out into the room, and sets his jaw once he meets her eyes. “Make sure to show our new friend Rey how things work during meals, please.” 

Rey’s cheeks and ears go bright pink as everyone turns to look at her.

And with that, he sets the microphone down, grabs a plate already full of food and walks over to a table where she sees Leia and Luke sitting and giggling amongst themselves. 

“You could look a _little_ happier to be here,” she hears Leia grumble when Ben pulls up a stool. His back is to her, so she doesn’t see his reaction, but she does see Luke flick a piece of bacon at him and call him a grump. 

“Don’t worry about him,” Rose says next to her, pulling Rey’s attention back to the table. 

Rey looks at her curiously and Rose continues. “It’s just Ben. He’s working as Summer Camp Director this year because of what happened to Han, and he’s honestly...well, actually, he’s kind of always like that. But he loves Skywalker Ranch and can keep our traditions going. Better him than some outsider.” 

“I heard Leia had to practically beg him on her hands and knees to get him to agree to it,” Snap says lowly. 

Poe scoffs. “Like Leia would beg _anyone_ for anything. Ben’s a total stick-in-the-mud but he’s not a monster. His father died and his mother needed help. I doubt it was _that_ hard to convince him.” 

“Coulda fooled me,” Snap argues. “He looked like he was getting his teeth pulled up there and the kids aren’t even here yet. Han was gruff on his best day but at least he knew how to fake it.” 

“I can _hear you_ , Snap.” Ben’s voice booms. 

He’s still got his back turned to them. Rey can see a cheeky grin on Luke’s face as Ben turns around slowly, pinning them all with a hard glare. They all stare back at him, dumbstruck.

“Can we all agree to not bring up my father, or his _death_ , or how terrible I am at _his_ job when I'm within earshot?” Ben asks, but his tone brokers no debate. 

It’s quiet for a second, and then Snap nods. “Sorry, Ben,” he says quietly. 

Ben stares for a moment longer. His nostrils flare and he makes to turn back around to his meal when his eyes find Rey’s.

She’s not sure why she does it, but she holds his gaze and for a few long seconds, they just stare. Then Rose distracts her when she bumps Rey’s hand with a plate and tells her about how Maz makes the _best_ blueberry pancakes in the Hill Country. 

When Rey glances back in his direction, he’s already turned back around. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone that left kudos and commented and sent me messages about the first chapter! I'm so thrilled that you guys are excited about this story. It truly is so close to my heart, to the point where it's actually been tougher to write than I anticipated. 
> 
> That might also have something to do with the fact that this chapter is the first time I've ever written from Ben's POV! It was exciting but also intimidating because that's my freakin' _dude_ and I want/ed to do him justice. I hope I did and continue to do so! I'd love to know what you think!
> 
> My only note is that I did edit a few names/locations in the first chapter for privacy's sake, as well as some Americanisms that didn't fit with Rey being from the UK (thanks to those that pointed that out!). 
> 
> Thanks as always to Sam and Felicia for being wonderful betas. <3 
> 
> Come hang out with me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) and/or [twitter!](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe)

“It’s important that when you jump into the water, you keep your rescue tube at your waist so you’re never fully submerged,” Ben states as he walks the perimeter of the pool. “You should _never_ take your eyes off of your victim.” 

The summer sun beats down onto the porous concrete as Ben steps up to the ledge with his rescue tube secured around his waist. He pauses, looking over to the group, who are all sitting down with their feet kicking back and forth in the cool water. 

“Let’s say for example that Finn is my victim,” he says, voice booming across the pool. Finn perks up a little. “Observe.” 

Ben jumps in. It’s a perfectly executed maneuver; he keeps the tube tight around himself and keeps his head above water, never taking his eyes off of Finn. It’s probably the thousandth time he’s done it since the first time he trained as a guard a decade ago, and the welcome rush of the cold, chlorinated water against his burning skin never gets old. 

A hand shoots up in the air. 

Of course, it’s her. She’s been asking a _lot_ of questions—good questions, admittedly—since training started three days ago. 

“Yes?” Ben asks as he trains his gaze on Rey.

“Wouldn’t diving in be faster than having to jump and like…” she waves a hand toward him, gesturing at his position in the pool. “ _Collect yourself_ before you can start swimming?” 

Another good question, he thinks begrudgingly. He won’t tell her as much, though.

“Diving isn’t something you should resort to in this pool unless something is nearing the bottom of the deep end. Statistically speaking though, most, if not all, incidents that occur happen right here,” he points toward a sign that says _4 FT_. 

“So, no. Diving isn’t going to be faster, unless you’ve somehow managed to be distracted enough to let something sink eight feet.” 

There are snickers from the rest of the group, and Ben’s cheeks heat a little when he realizes the implication of his statement. Rey levels him with a flinty glare. 

Ben doesn’t apologize. It is the truth, after all. 

Instead, he unwraps his tube and swims to the edge before hopping out and sitting across from them. There are ten lifeguard trainees in total this summer: Poe Dameron, Snap Wexley, Dopheld Mitaka, Armitage (jury is still out on that name being an actual name) Hux, Finn Roberts, Paige and Rose Tico, Kaydel Konnix, Gwen Phasma, and Rey Johnson.

It’s a motley crew if he’s ever seen one; there are one too many British kids (though Hux might be Irish?) and they're all already _far_ too friendly with each other. They giggle and horse around in the pool when they should be running scenarios and they pass notes and whisper when they’re supposed to be reading case studies in the classroom, as if Ben isn't already annoyed _enough_ about the fact that he has to train a bunch of eighteen-year-olds on how to not let tiny children drown. Not to mention, he has to name one of them Head Guard by the end of the week. 

It’s only _slightly_ irritating that Rey is the obvious frontrunner.

It’s not that he doesn’t _like_ the brunette that he’d threatened to fire on her first night. She’s just... difficult. Contrarian. Outspoken, almost to the point of inappropriateness. 

But she also learns fast, and she’s a damn good swimmer.

He’s about to task them with the most challenging aspect of the training yet: the 500-meter swim, alternating strokes, _timed_.

Ben stands and directs the first group, Finn, Poe, Snap, Rose and Kaydel, to move to the head of the pool. He explains the challenge: five strokes of freestyle, five of sidestroke left, five of sidestroke right, five of backstroke with no arms, and five of breaststroke. 

All completed within fifteen minutes. 

They complete the swim with surprisingly minimal complaints; Poe is the fastest at nine minutes and thirty-six seconds, and Snap’s the slowest at fourteen minutes and twelve seconds. Ben can’t deny that he’s a little disappointed when he doesn’t have to make Snap redo the whole thing to get a faster time. 

Then it’s the second group’s turn, and Rey demolishes them all. She’s lean and fast and even in the plain red, one-piece suit that they all have to wear, it’s obvious that she’s ripped. Ben catches himself staring at the way her back and arm muscles move through the water at one point and promptly walks to the other side of the pool. 

She beats Poe’s time by two minutes. In all fairness, Phasma beats him, too, but she’s slower than Rey by a full minute and thirty seconds. 

At the end of training the next day, when Ben hands her the dark red tube reserved for the Head Guard in front of the whole class, Rey smiles proudly and accepts. 

He tries not to pay attention to the way her smile lights up her entire face. 

  
  


\-----------------------------------------------------------

  
  


The completion of lifeguard training marks the end of the first week of summer and Ben’s already exhausted. It’s been years since he’s been back at Skywalker Ranch, years since he’s spent this much time _outside_ during a Texas summer. The social aspect is what’s wearing on him the most, though, and by the time he walks into his tiny two-bedroom house at the top of the dining hall hill, he’s more than ready to not talk to another person for a solid twelve hours. 

His parents were extroverts, so it made sense that they thrived during the summer. Ben’s not like either of them; his mother tells him that he’s much more like his grandfather, who was more quiet and serious, though gentle when he wanted to be. 

It’s not a disposition that really lends itself to being a Summer Camp director, but he’s trying. He really is—he just also hasn’t been back in almost a decade, and everything feels a bit left of center now that his dad is just... _gone_. 

Growing up at the camp had its moments, like when he got to stay in a cabin for one week out of the summer and actually got attention from his parents. He remembers those weeks when he absolutely _loved_ Skywalker Ranch and everything that it was to his family, when Han and Leia doted on him in front of everyone at campfire, or sat with him at meals, or accompanied his cabin on a kayaking trip where Han sat behind him as they rowed together down the river. They were non-stop busy and hardly ever home during the rest of the summer, but that one week of pure joy made all the others more than worth it. 

Those were the weeks when he was sure he would be in Han’s place one day—when it seemed there was no question of the path that he would take in his life because all roads would eventually lead him back here. Home.

Turns out he was right. Just not quite in the way he was expecting.

He definitely wasn’t expecting to leave at nineteen, content to never look back, only to be begged by his mother to return after his father died of a heart attack.

It was the look in her eyes that made the decision easy for him. The sadness there echoed so much in how he felt inside, and the desperation that accompanied the tears streaming down her face. “It was all he ever wanted, Ben,” Leia cried, standing in the doorway of his walk-up in Brooklyn. “He wanted you to come home. He wanted you to love the _summer_ again.” 

He couldn’t tell her no. He wasn’t sure he even wanted to. The pull he felt in his chest back to the summer—to the light and the heat and the sweat—had always been there. 

For his dad, his mom and for himself, it was time to face it, to heed the call home and confront the demons living there, hiding in the dark corners of the camp where no one could see them. 

It occurs to Ben now, as he lays on his bed half-asleep and fully clothed with his shoes still on, that it’s going to be a lot easier said than done. 

  
  


\-----------------------------------------------------------

Ben spends most of the weekend between lifeguard and general staff training with Chewy, the maintenance guy, riding around camp on a John Deere _Gator_ and fixing a bunch of random crap; the broken shower in Cabin 12, a leaky window unit in Cabin 3, and a few cracked tiles in the girl’s bathroom at the dining hall. Ben’s always liked hanging out with Chewie because they don’t talk much. They mostly just grunt at each other. 

By the time Sunday rolls around and the rest of the counselors arrive, Ben’s mustered up enough energy to welcome them with a smile as they roll in, parking and unloading their luggage into their designated cabins. Ben tells them each to change into swimsuits and meet him at the pool once they’ve gotten settled. 

The staff comes dressed for their swim tests and Ben explains that it’ll be necessary for everyone to take one if they want to swim in the pool or the river. He’s observing the first round of swim tests when he decides that it’s as good a time as any to red ball test the guards, who seem to be a bit lax as their friends jump in and start treading water. Ben remembers all too well getting his ass handed to him by the other lifeguards his first year as a counselor when he failed the red ball test miserably. 

The test was simple: Give a red ball to someone discreetly and tell them to signal you when they’ve dropped it within the guard’s scanning area. Once they signal, you start the stopwatch. Once the guard spots it, they blow their whistle and say “red ball”, and you stop the clock. Ten seconds or less and you’re golden, but anything more than that will get you a lap for every second over at the next inservice. 

Ben had taken thirty-nine seconds to see his first red ball, so he swam twenty-nine laps that week. It was embarrassing and had pissed him off (especially considering Han was the one that dropped the red ball), but it also made him a better guard. He never failed a red ball test again, and even called a few that weren’t meant for him.

He asks one of the non-lifeguard male counselors, Cassian, to take the ball during his test and drop it into Finn’s area. It won’t be far off from Kaydel who is also guarding, and Rey is walking the perimeter, too. Cassian agrees and tells him he’ll signal when it’s done. 

“Next group!” Rey calls. The group walks out of the covered patio that’s attached to the pool and jumps in. They swim their required one length of the pool, and then swim over to the deep end for their tread test. Ben watches as Cassian taps his ear twice to signal that he’s dropped the ball. 

Ben starts the clock.

When ten seconds go by without a whistle, he starts approaching the pool. He’s starting to get anxious when he sees Rey standing close to Finn and laughing. Kaydel’s looking at the pool but doesn’t seem to notice. 

Fifteen seconds. 

Twenty seconds. 

Twenty-five seconds and Ben’s heart starts thumping hard. 

Thirty seconds.

_Forty seconds_. Fucking fantastic. 

“Oh, shit—Rey, is that a red ball?” Finn asks, finally. 

Rey’s eyes go wide. She scrambles for her whistle and points at it. “Red ball.” 

Ben stops the clock. Forty-eight seconds total. 

With two guards _and_ a head guard on watch. 

With six people in the water, all at least eighteen-years-old. 

_Not_ a good look. 

He’s annoyed, angry even, at these people that just spent an entire week running drills and scenarios that tested their readiness. He’s angry with Rey for toting around the head guard tube but _choosing_ to not be alert, and he’s angry with himself for apparently failing them as a teacher. 

Ben walks to the deep end where the tread test is finishing, all of the counselors in the water moving to the edge to hold on. They’re all looking at Rey and Finn, who are looking at Ben with wide eyes as he approaches. 

“Forty-eight seconds.” It’s all he says. It’s all he has to say, really. 

“It wasn’t Finn’s fault, I was ju—” 

“You thought because they’re all adults and probably know how to swim, that it’s okay for you to not only let _your_ guard down, but also distract the guards that are actually on duty?” 

“No, I—” 

“How long does it take a child to drown, Rey?” Ben asks, and even with the look on her face telling him to back off and give it a rest, he marches on. 

He’s ticked off. All that showboating during training and this is the end result. A thirty-eight-second fail. During staff fucking training. 

“Look, I und—” 

“I made you Head Guard because you’re great in the water and I figured you for a leader. Please don’t make me regret it.” 

Rey winces like she’s been stung, and for a split-second, he feels bad for what he’s done. It washes away quickly, his anger always more relentless a feeling than anything else. He backs away slowly, holding her eyes as his lips press into a hard line.

Before she has a chance to respond, he turns away. “Next group!” he yells. 

  
  


\-----------------------------------------------------------

Everyone is filing out of Davis Hall after their last training of the evening and Ben is making his way to his office to close up. He’s about to set his computer to sleep when a rush of air hits him in the face as his door swings wide open. 

“Can I talk to you?” a familiar voice asks. Ben looks up from his computer and sees Rey, still in her swimsuit but with a white tank-top and athletic shorts covering it, with her arms crossed as she stares at him with wide, angry eyes. 

“Sure, Rey. Please, sit.” Ben gestures to the chairs that sit in front of his desk.

She shuts the door and moves across his office to sit down. Rey takes a deep breath and then squares her shoulders. Ben swallows. 

“Are you going to be like this all summer?” she asks him flat out. 

He’s a little taken aback, and his face must show that because she immediately says, “Don’t act like this is uncalled for. You just embarrassed me in front of all my friends because I failed my _first_ red ball test. Everyone fails their first red ball test! The returners told me so. And you probably _knew_ that, too. So, tell me something, _Ben,_ ” she sneers. 

“Are you going to be a prick to me all summer, or should I just step down now?” 

Ben’s cheeks heat. Her words sting him—the hard edges of her voice as the word _prick_ falls off her tongue. He’s angry with her again already, exposing too much of himself in his face as he stares at her and narrows his eyes. 

“You can do whatever you want, Rey,” Ben says, too slowly. Too calmly. “I’m just trying to make sure that you don’t take your eye off the ball and get a kid killed.” 

Rey’s glare turns instantly icy. 

“Screw you, Ben.” Rey bites it out with her top lip curled into something like a snarl.

It hangs there between them for a moment and then Rey’s standing up and her eyes are slowly going wide with fear. The look is like cold water splashed into his face, dousing his anger with something akin to a dull, lingering regret. 

“I—I’m sorry,” she says a little shakily. 

Ben wants to say something back, he really does. _Anything_. He can see tears welling up in her eyes as they maintain eye contact and she really does look sort of terrified, like she’s maybe just done something unforgivable. The regret blooms wildly in his chest now as he sees firsthand how tense he’s made her, how angry and upset. 

She was right to call him a prick. He was definitely being one. 

He’s about to open his mouth with every intention to apologize to her but she doesn’t give him the chance. She turns on her heel quickly when she sees he’s about to speak and runs out of his office. 

  
  


\-----------------------------------------------------------

  
  


They manage to steer clear of each other for the rest of the week, mostly. Ben eats with his family while the staff eats together, and the rest of the Senior Summer Staff have arrived at this point and are conducting most of the training sessions, so he doesn’t have to interact with the group nearly as much as he did during lifeguard training. It’s a welcome respite after the hellish way the week started. 

The only time he really _has_ to see them is during the evening activities, and it’s thankfully never _just_ him. Luke, Leia, Maz and Ami are always there. Even Chewie sometimes hangs out.

It’s good—had he tried to take all of this on alone, especially considering how awkward things now were with Rey, he would probably feel a bit in over his head. But with all the support he’s got behind him, Ben’s able to persevere and make it through the rest of staff training without too much of a hitch. 

The weekend flies by with more menial tasks to complete around the camp, as well as a few last-minute check-ins with some parents that haven’t sent in tuition checks yet. He also hangs out with Luke and talks about the staff and who will be assigned to each cabin. 

They pair Rey with Phasma and give them the oldest group, Cabin 12, agreeing that it will be good for her to have a strong co-counselor and a lower-maintenance age if she’s planning to step it up with head guard duties. 

Of course, that’s assuming she doesn’t totally ditch the job after the way he spoke to her. 

Sunday rolls around quicker than he wants it to, and the staff are piling out of their vehicles to get their cabin assignments and change into their opening day shirts.

When the clock strikes two, the gate opens and the cars start to roll in.

Summer 2010 has officially begun. 

  
  
  


\-----------------------------------------------------------

  
  


They’ve decked out Davis Hall with all kinds of " _Fun in the Sun"_ decor and Ben’s about thirty check-ins deep when he meets Ellen, the mother of a fourteen-year-old girl named Lindsey. Ellen walks up to the table where Ben sits with Leia, giving name tags to each child as he checks them in and greets their parents. Ben doesn’t have a chance to greet either of them, because Ellen beats him to it. 

“This is Lindsey Martin, I’m Ellen Martin. Lindsey’s grandmother was nice enough to send her to camp this year. I’m in a bit of a rush, though, can I ask that one of you takes her to her cabin? All her crap’s already out in the field by the Cabin 12 cone.” 

Ben’s a little stunned, not only by her words but by how fast she says them, and how antsy she looks to get out of dodge as quickly as possible. She stares at him, impatient, as she chews a piece of gum so intensely that it moves her entire face. 

Lindsey, for her part, is holding it together quite well. It saddens him to think that perhaps this isn’t abnormal behavior. 

He doesn’t find the words quickly enough, but Leia does, and she handles the situation with a grace he’s come to always expect from her. 

“Sure, dear. We just need her to take her name tag and make sure she’s signed up for the right club. After that, Ben can escort her over the bridge to meet her counselors.”

Ellen barely looks at Leia as she nods. Ben wants to tell her to spit that gum out because it’s rude to chew with your mouth open, just as it’s rude to drop your daughter off at camp like you’re running to the cleaners and she’s a pile of dirty laundry. But he doesn’t. 

Lindsey moves through the other tables and stands at the entrance of Davis Hall while Ellen gives her a stiff kiss on the cheek and power-walks quickly out the doors. 

Leia nudges him with her knee. Ben glances at her, finding her looking at Lindsey. 

“We need to be gentle with that one,” she says, gesturing toward the girl with her chin. “Make sure you tell Rey and Phasma what’s going on. Not in front of her, obviously. Wait until dinner, or something. But I know that look,” Leia muses, slowly shaking her head. “This is not where Lindsey wants to be.” 

Ben can see that written all over the girl’s face, so he just nods. Leia turns to look at him. 

“Let’s make it the place she never wants to leave, okay?” She flashes him a brilliant smile and his heart warms slightly at the sight. His mother has never once stopped believing in the magic that Skywalker Ranch holds in the summer. Like it’s a place out of time and reality, composed of an energy all its own. Ben wishes he could believe in it like she does. 

He used to, and he’s trying to get there again. He really is. 

“I’ll do my best,” Ben tells her and offers a reassuring half-smile as he gets up and makes his way over to Lindsey. 

The closer he gets, the easier it is to see that she’s _pissed_. He approaches her slowly, not wanting to scare her off or further her irritation. Slowly, he sticks out a hand. 

“Hey, Lindsey. I don’t think we had a chance to meet. I’m Ben.” 

Lindsey looks at his hand for a moment, hesitating. He’s _just_ about to feel like an asshole when she finally reaches for his hand and shakes it firmly, her face remaining impassive. Ben nods in the direction of the Gator that’s driving around with all the camper’s suitcases and trunks. 

“The guys will bring your luggage around to your cabin within the next half-hour or so. Is it okay if I walk you over there and introduce you to your counselors?” 

She shrugs, her bright red hair falling off her shoulder with the motion. He doesn’t let it phase him, just nods in the direction of the exit and starts walking. 

Lindsey follows a few steps behind. He walks them across the suspension bridge and starts to hike up the hill to Cabin 12, slowing down just enough that he’s _almost_ shoulder-to-shoulder with her. She still looks wholly unimpressed with her situation. 

“Anything in particular you’re looking forward to this week?” he asks, shoving his hands in his pockets as they walk. 

“Not really.” She doesn’t even look at him.

This is turning out to be _much_ harder than he anticipated. Kids have gotten... _meaner_ since he was a counselor. 

“Nothing? Not archery, or horseback riding? What about sports, do you like sports?” 

He practically _feels_ her roll her eyes. “Nah.” 

Thankfully, they’re approaching Cabin 12 within a few seconds, and Rey’s standing on the porch outside, waving at them.

“Are you Lindsey?” Rey asks as they approach, and Ben’s gaze immediately cuts to her. How did she know? 

Lindsey echoes his confusion, but her voice is suddenly less combative than it had been ten seconds ago. “Yeah, how’d ya know?” she asks Rey, and Ben almost gapes when he sees a smile creep onto her lips. 

Rey shrugs. “Lucky guess. I’m Rey, one of your counselors.” She holds up a fist and sticks it out to Lindsey, who promptly bumps it with her own, her fraction of a smile transforming immediately into a full grin. 

He’s dumbfounded, honestly. The air around Rey is calm and welcoming and it hangs around Ben just as it does Lindsey. He stares at her in slight disbelief, swallowing roughly when she turns her gaze to him. How is she already so fucking good at this? 

“I see you met Ben.” 

Lindsey looks at him then, too. Ben’s ears start to pink under his hair. 

“He asked me if I was excited about _archery_ ,” Lindsey tells Rey with a snort. 

The smile that splits Rey’s face in half is nothing short of staggering. She doesn’t acknowledge the remark apart from that, and instead turns back to look at Lindsey.

“Well, if you’re anything like the six other girls that are already in the cabin, that means you’re probably more excited about the _dance_.” 

Lindsey’s face completely lights up. “There’s a _dance?”_

Rey wiggles her eyebrows. “You know it. Thursday night! The girls inside are already comparing outfits. Wanna join?” 

Then she sticks her elbow out and Lindsey links her arm through, happy to leave Ben behind as the two walk toward the cabin door. 

When Rey turns back and winks at him, he does his best not to look too wonderstruck.

  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey is the camp counselor I always wanted to be, but I am sadly not nearly as cool as she is. I was definitely more of the Ben in this scenario 😂
> 
> Camp facts for anyone curious:
> 
>  **Returners** : People that have been to camp before and know all the tribal knowledge~
> 
>  **Inservice** : Weekly training that lifeguards have to complete that tests their skills and readiness as well as physical conditioning (we had to tread water while holding bricks. It was not fun). 
> 
> **[The Red Ball Drill](https://safe-wise.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Red-Ball-Drill.pdf)** is super duper real and I failed really, really badly once. It was mortifying.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back! Sorry about the delay on this chapter. I lost some momentum toward the end of So That He May Sleep but finally got back into the groove a few days ago and was able to finally write this. 
> 
> As for notes, I did want to mention that I've updated the tags due to some discussion that happens in this chapter with Lindsey. I've included more details in the end notes for anyone that would like to know, but otherwise, please read the tags and protect yourself as needed! 
> 
> Huge shout out to Sam, Felicia and Heidi for the beta! Y'all are amazing. <3 
> 
> As always, come hang out with me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com)/[twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe) and let me know what you thought of this chapter!

On Thursday of the first week of camp, Rey gets to take her first long evening break. Each counselor gets one two-hour break every day, and one six-hour break every week, and Rey’s been looking forward to going with Poe, Rose, Hux, Kaydel, to stuff their faces with Tex-Mex (which is apparently like ambrosia to Texans?) and then hang out at the river. Hux, the only one of them that’s over twenty-one, has already agreed to buy the beer.

Are they supposed to be drinking on their breaks? No. 

Is Rey legally allowed to drink in the US? Also no. 

But it’s the last night of the camp week that staff can have their evening break, which means she’s had to wait four full days to put on real clothes and actually hang out, uninterrupted, with people her age, for more than two hours. 

She’s tired, she’s sunburnt, and she just wants a fucking pint. 

They’re halfway through their meal at Garcia’s Mexican Restaurant when Poe finally looks up from his plate of carne guisada.

“Is it lame that I’m kind of sad we’re missing the dance?” he asks sheepishly. 

Beside him, Hux snorts. “I’m sure you’ll have plenty more opportunities to show us your best bunny-hop.”

Poe wiggles his eyebrows at the redhead. “I’m sure you’d love to see it.”

Rose and Rey glance at each other before turning their attention back to the blatant flirting happening in front of them. 

“I’m with you on that, Poe.” Rey chimes in, stabbing her fork into a torn-off piece of chicken flauta. “I wanted to go with my girls tonight. They’ve been looking forward to it all week.”

Rey pouts as she shoves the fried tortilla into her mouth, relishing in the juicy, crunchy, spicy goodness. The Texans are not wrong; the food is top tier.

“You got a tough cabin this week, huh?” Kaydel asks from the other end of the table.

Rey shrugs. “It’s alright. Phasma is...intense, but she’s nice. She’s really strict with them, but I think if she wasn’t, they’d probably be far more wild than I can handle on my own.” 

The table nods, all very well-aware of Phasma’s commanding energy. 

Rey clears her throat. “Lindsey’s had a pretty rough go, though. Her mom kind of just tossed her out on opening day. Ben said she wouldn’t even walk her to the cabin.”

“Yikes.” Rose grimaces. 

“Yeah. She’s been hard to crack. Not really into group stuff. She’s been looking forward to the dance, though. I just hope she’s having fun.”

Poe offers Rey a soft smile. “I’m sure she is. Plus, senior staff is there. They’ll make sure that she’s not off sulking in a corner or something.”

Rey considers him for a moment and then exhales, nodding her head. “You’re probably right.”

  
  


—————-

  
  


As they sit at the river bank with their shoes off and sip cheap American beer from cans, thoughts of Lindsey moping around instead of joining the rest of the cabin on the dance floor tumble around in Rey’s head. She's only had one, and she’s been nursing it since they got there, a bit less interested in catching a buzz with this newfound anxiety now building in her gut. 

If someone would have told her two weeks ago that she’d be denying herself the pleasant numbness of a few beers after a good meal and a long week in favor of worrying about some kid she doesn’t even really know, she would have probably laughed. 

And yet. 

Rey kicks her feet back and forth in the dark, shiny water and thinks about how sad Lindsey was on the first day of camp. How defeated she looked when she approached the cabin with Ben. How she almost cried when she was unpacking her stuff and found an old, coffee-stained picture of her mom and dad tucked away in her suitcase.

At first, Rey thought it was homesickness, and then Ben pulled her aside that evening at dinner and told her about what happened during drop-offs. Her stomach sank when she heard about Lindsey’s mother dumping her on the campgrounds and taking off without looking back. 

She hadn't been crying because she was homesick. She'd been crying because she'd been—at least in her mind—abandoned. Rey could relate to that all too well, so she’d done everything she could to try to make sure Lindsey felt included, and safe, and cared for throughout the week. Though some days had been better than others, it seemed like she was having a decent time, but at night, Rey could hear Lindsey crying herself to sleep. She tried to ask about it after the first night, but Lindsey promptly shut her down, so she decided not to press. She understood why Lindsey didn’t want to talk about it because she lived it before. It was a common occurrence in Rey’s childhood to cry herself to sleep just so she _could_ sleep. She knew better than anyone that coping mechanisms were complex and something that had to be figured out on your own.

Time goes by quickly as the group shoots the shit and finishes off a twelve-pack of Bud Light. When it closes in on eleven, Rey, who is decidedly the most sober, drives Kaydel’s oversized SUV back to camp while all of them sing _Bohemian Rhapsody_ at the top of their lungs _._

Ben is sitting in the middle of the cabins in a dingy, lime-green lawn chair with his feet propped up when they get back. He’s got a headlamp on to illuminate the book in his lap and Rey tries not to laugh as she watches him occasionally swat at the bugs that try to swarm the light. He’s wearing the glasses he dons at night after (she assumes) he takes his contacts out, and he’s got on a white t-shirt and sweatpants to match his bedhead, which still somehow frames his face perfectly. Despite the inherent dorkiness of the whole image, he looks... _good._

Rey’s a little too busy looking at how tight the shirt is around his biceps as the group approaches, so she doesn’t notice right away that he’s staring absolute daggers at all of them. Hux and Poe, who are giggling and rubbing shoulders as they walk down the path to their cabins, don’t seem to notice. Ben doesn’t say anything—just _glares_ at them like he wants to tie bricks to their ankles and throw them into the river.

It dawns on her then, too late, perhaps, that he must notice that they’ve been drinking. Rey’s heart sinks to her stomach.

After the Lindsey conversation, things with Ben were still a little tense, but they seemed to be getting better. He wasn’t overly nice to her by any means, but he also was no longer rude, or overbearing, or unnecessarily hard on her. He’d kind of pulled back on _any_ interaction with her, and she was grateful to no longer be the undeserving target of his strange, dizzying wrath.

Now, as her group walks toward him, everyone except her likely stumbling a little and smelling of beer, she thinks that their careful, unspoken truce is probably as good as dead. If Ben’s face is any indication, she’s absolutely right.

Rose and Kaydel sneak by him unscathed, though he does level them both with his burning eyes before turning back to Rey, who is the only one that actually has to _pass_ him on her way to Cabin 12.

She thinks, hopes, wishes, that she can go by without incident, but is sorely mistaken when she hears his rumbling voice cut through the quiet summer air. 

“Rey.”

It really is ridiculous, how _stupidly_ deep his voice is, and even more ridiculous how it gets raspy when he’s tired. It stops Rey in her tracks.

She doesn’t turn back to look at him right away. Frankly, the more time she can spend _not_ looking at him, the better. 

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

Shit, fuck, dammit. Of course. Six people out on a long break, all at varying levels of shitfaced, and _she_ is the one he wants to single out. So much for renewed faith. 

Rey slowly turns on her heel and makes her way over to his chair. She doesn’t look him in the eye and instead focuses on how his large hands carefully place a bookmark into his book before setting it on his lap. She watches those same hands clasp together in his lap like a disappointed dad about to launch into a lecture about responsibility.

She stops about a foot short of his chair and sinks down to the warm asphalt, crossing her legs in front of her and leaning her elbows onto her knees.

Rey finds his eyes, finally, and says nothing as Ben stares at her, unblinking.

He really should not be allowed to wear those glasses. They make him look soft, and she knows from experience that he is anything but.

Ben takes a deep breath. “You been drinking?”

Rey looks down at her hands briefly, and then back up at Ben. “I had a beer, yeah.”

His face is steady. She feels her blood start to heat with anticipation. It’s not lost on her how easy it was to tell him the truth, how natural the words leave her lips, like there was never an alternative answer.

Rey’s spent her whole life lying. Running. Surviving. Her instincts have always taught her to do those things, and it’s what has always felt _right_ to her, but Ben sees through it without even trying; he beckons more from her than passivity and half-truths. It’s unnerving.

“How old are you again?”

She bites her lip, looking away from him. “Twenty.”

There’s lightning bugs starting to sparkle out in the field behind them. They flicker in and out and seem to bounce around like sound-waves. It’s mesmerizing—she’s never seen anything quite like it. Out of the corner of her eye, Rey sees Ben nod slowly.

“Did you even _read_ the handbook I passed out at the beginning of staff training?” 

Rey looks down at her shoes. Of course she did. Practically memorized the thing, actually, so she knows exactly where he’s going with this. She nods solemnly.

“You did,” he barks. “So you know then, that drinking during the session, even if it’s not on campgrounds, is strictly prohibited.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“So…?” 

Her eyes cut to him again when she lifts her chin resolutely. She’s gotta own this, because if she tries to lie, or make some excuse, he’ll see right through her. 

“So, I broke a rule, yes. I’m sorry. I was excited about being on break and being in the _actual world_ for a few hours, and I made a bad call. Can we cut to the part where you finally fire me, like you’ve been wanting to do since I got here?”

Ben looks a little stunned when her words land. There’s a wrinkle in his brow that grows deeper as he stares at her, the air between them charged with bellowing frustration. Even now, knowing that everyone she was with was drinking, too, he chooses to single her out. To punish _her_. 

She wants to rip that stupid lamp off his head and bury it in an ant pile. 

After a moment, he lets out a long exhale. He loses her eyes and says, “So one of them bought the beer, then.”

A valiant effort to get her to snitch, truly. She has to stop herself from laughing at the attempt. _As if_.

“Nah, they just didn’t card me.”

Ben huffs. “This is a summer camp town. No one in a fifty-mile radius of Thorpe buys alcohol without getting carded. Especially if you’re British.”

Right. He grew up here. Knows this place like the back of his hand. Shit. 

Rey’s about to do damage control when he clears his throat, running a hand through his unkempt waves. If she peeks a little at the action, well, that’s between her and the lightning bugs.

“I don’t want to fire you, Rey.” His voice is quiet. Soft, even—a stark contrast to his normal bravado. “I never did. Not really. You just…” 

Rey’s nostrils flare as she keeps her gaze on him, despite the fact that he refuses to meet hers. “I just _what_ _?”_

Finally, he turns to look at her. “You’re better than this.” 

She huffs through her nose in disbelief. “You don’t even know me, dude.” 

Ben’s eyes harden a little. “You’re right, I don’t. But I know that you care about your job. I see it every day in the way you are with your kids and how you help the other counselors. You’re…” he trails off again. 

Rey can feel her stomach start to tighten. “I’m _what?”_

He sighs. “You’re unselfish. Kind. Good. _Too_ good to throw away a job with Camp Leaders over a can of Bud Light.” 

It’s Rey’s turn to be stunned. They stare at each other for a few moments, and she’s just opened her mouth to say something when he cuts in. 

“Look, I’m not gonna go on some witch-hunt, okay? But please, don’t do this again. If it were anyone but me out here, you’d probably all be getting written up right now.” 

Ben’s leniency is the last thing she expected to come from this interaction, but it feels warm, like something she can trust despite how surprising it is. For the first time in a long time, she doesn’t find herself immediately questioning if he’s genuine. As she stares into his eyes, burnt-gold in the glow of the lamps that surround the flagpole, she thinks that maybe he can’t fathom being anything else. It’s his gift and his curse all at once.

“Okay.”

Ben nods firmly. “Okay.”

Rey lingers for a moment, her eyes drifting down to the book in his lap, half-covered by his hands. His big, ridiculously oversized hands.

“What is that?” She nods toward the book. 

He looks down at it, picking it up and showing her the cover. 

“ _The Hobbit?_ You’re reading _The Hobbit?”_

Ben looks immediately affronted. “What, you haven’t?”

Rey shakes her head. “Nah. I didn’t read much back home. Saw the movies though. They were fun.”

He sighs, and she finds it almost cute how exasperated he is at her response. 

“Big Lord of the Rings fan, yeah?” she asks, amused. 

The smile Ben gives her is wry. It makes her heart beat a little harder, seeing something like actual happiness cross over his usually-stern face. 

“You could say that.”

She nods. “I’ve always wanted to read ‘em. Just never could find the time.”

“Camp’s a great place to read. Helps you sleep, decompress, all that.”

Rey tilts her head. “Yeah?”

He nods.

“Huh. Maybe I’ll try it out.”

A beat, and then: “You should.”

They sit for a moment in comfortable silence and then Rey decides to not press her luck by staying in Ben’s presence any longer. She’s found that he seems only tolerable of her for small bursts of time, and any prolonged interaction has the tendency to make him snippy.

She stands up and dusts the loose gravel from her backside. “Well, goodnight.”

Ben looks up at her and nods. “Night.”

Rey’s walking towards her cabin but stops a few paces away. When she looks back at Ben, he’s readjusting his head lamp and getting ready to open up _The Hobbit_ again.

“Ben.” Rey calls out. He looks up, and she’s definitely _not_ painfully aware of how dorky and adorable he looks with that stupid thing strapped around his head.

“I’m sorry.” She rocks back and forth on her heels. “For the beer.”

Ben stares at her for a long moment before he nods. It isn’t much in the way of forgiveness, or whatever it was she was expecting in return, but from him, it feels like enough. Rey turns back to the cabin and feels a surge of relief.

The new sense of lightness follows her the twenty or so steps it takes to get to Cabin 12. Once she’s inside, though, something immediately swallows that feeling whole and replaces it with instant alarm. 

Someone’s crying—gasping—in the bathroom. 

She tosses her small wristlet onto the bottom bunk she’s taken up residence in and strides quickly toward the bathroom. On the way, she spares a glance toward Lindsey’s bunk, just one away from her own, and her suspicions and worries about the night are confirmed. Lindsey’s not there.

Inside the large bathroom, Rey finds her hunched over her knees in the bathroom, her back pressed up against the wall near the left hand shower. 

She’s crying hard enough that it seems like a struggle to breathe. Rey sinks to her knees in front of her immediately, keeping her hands close to her sides but sitting close enough that Lindsey will know she’s there. 

“Linds?” Rey whispers. 

Lindsey cries harder.

“Lindsey, what’s going on? Did something happen at the dance?” 

Still nothing. The sobs that wretch from the teenager’s throat are like dull shooting pains beneath Rey’s skin. Too much of her younger self is evident, bared for the world to see in and made vulnerable in this place. The urge to protect and defend her was surprisingly like a second nature, as easy as sticking your hand out in the car to protect someone in the passenger seat when you slam on your brakes. 

But, much like younger Rey, stubborn and sad and angry with the world, Lindsey refuses to divulge. Rey takes a deep breath and her mind drifts back to Ben’s words on her first night on site. _Outlogic the sadness._

It’s frustrating, how glaringly useful the advice seems now, but she’s not so proud that she’s above trying. It is nearly midnight, after all, and she’s tired. She knows Lindsey must be, too. 

“Listen, you don’t have to tell me, but can we at least go outside?” Lindsey tenses, and Rey tries to cut it off at the pass. “If we stay here, the other girls and _Phasma_ are going to wake up and swarm us like a bunch of mother hens. Do you want that?”

For the first time since she found her, the shake in Lindsey’s shoulders starts to subside. Eventually, Rey sees her shake her head. 

After a few long moments, Lindsey lets Rey guide her out to the front porch. They sit on one of the long benches under the aluminum covering and Rey purposefully sits facing the flagpole so she can make eye contact with Ben. Thankfully, he’s not very far off, and notices them immediately. He starts to sit up, concerned, and sets his book onto the asphalt. He’s taking the headlamp off and placing it atop the hardcover when Lindsey lets out a loud, choked sob, and falls into Rey’s arms. 

“I don’t want to go home.” 

It’s muffled, and pained, and laced with a sort of dread that Rey knows intimately. The kind of dread that follows you home from a friend’s house on a rare night that you’re let out and allowed to have spaghetti dinner down the street instead of cold green beans from a can. The kind of dread that wraps itself around your neck at school when there are birthday party invitations being handed out in class and you know that you’ll never make it. You’ve never made any. 

Rey squeezes her tightly. “What’s waiting for you back there?” 

She lifts her eyes to Ben as Lindsey cries, and she can tell he’s waiting for her signal to move. Trusting her. 

It makes the cold, blooming feeling in Rey’s gut surge with sudden warmth. 

“ _He_ is. They are. They’re so—” Lindsey gasps, pulling back from Rey. “They’re awful, Rey. They—they hate me so much.” 

Rey’s heart seizes. 

This poor, sweet, innocent thing. There’s nothing Rey wants more than to wrap her up in safety and love and reassure her that she is not the burden they’ve made her out to be, that she is _not_ something to be hated. 

Rey glances up at Ben and lifts her eyebrows a little, hoping he’ll understand.

When he shoots out of his chair and starts walking over, she knows that he does. 

She takes a breath and looks Lindsey in the eye. “Ben’s coming over, okay? But you can trust him. He’s…” she hesitates for a second when she sees the panic in Lindsey’s eyes. “He’s good. I promise. He’s a little grumpy, and definitely a bit of a nerd, but he’s good.” 

It’s strange, how easy it is to call him that. How wholeheartedly she says the words, and how truthful they feel coming out of her mouth. 

Lindsey lets out a watery chuckle. “Okay.” 

After a few moments, Ben’s there. He takes a seat on the bench across from them and hooks his ankle over his knee. He looks tired, but ready to listen. Open. Gentle. 

“What’s going on, Lindsey?” his voice is so soft that Rey’s heart almost aches. 

It takes Lindsey a full five minutes before she’s able to talk. When she finally manages to catch her breath, she looks between the two of them.

“Being here, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been. I don’t want to leave.” 

Ben nods slowly. He seems to understand right away, and his response is almost immediate. “Is there something going on at home that you don’t want to go back to?” 

Rey’s tense. She knows deep down that there is, even if Lindsey hasn’t been able to vocalize it yet. Instead of putting words to it, Lindsey just nods. 

Ben offers her a small, sad smile. “You can tell us if you want to. But only if you want to, okay? Just know that you’re safe, and that we’re here for you.” 

He spares a glance to Rey when they lock eyes, and it feels like her next breath is a little sharper. There’s a current of understanding and trust moving between them as they hold each other’s gaze. They only stop when Lindsey’s voice once again cuts through the quiet. 

“It’s my mom’s boyfriend, Tim. He uh,” she looks down to her hot pink socks. “He’s bad. Really bad. He hits her. Hasn’t hit me yet, but he’s gotten close. I went crying to my grandma last month and she figured that this,” Lindsey gestures around the camp with a finger. “Was the best way to get me out of there. She wasn’t really thinking long term, I guess. She belongs to a bunch of country clubs and just got a new house in the Dominion, so I think maybe she’s too worried about maintaining appearances. She won’t let me come stay with her or anything, so camp was the next best thing.”

The two of them take a moment to process this. It’s so much in such a small dosage, especially for Rey, who is plagued almost immediately with flashbacks of her mother, angry and depressed and drunk, and a revolving door of equally angry boyfriends that were abusive and cruel. 

The things they used to say to Rey in the dead of night when her mother was asleep, well. Those things don’t just leave a person. 

Rey immediately reaches out to Lindsey and hugs her. 

She’ll take the wrath of Solo should he choose to unleash it on her for this. 

Side hugs be damned. 

But to Rey’s surprise, he does nothing. She looks over at him as she lets Lindsey cry into her neck, and all she finds on his face is concern. 

They listen to Lindsey for a little longer and learn more unsettling details about her home life, and it’s obvious by the end of their conversation that this is something they’ll need to bring up with Luke and Leia, and probably CPS. They don’t say as much to Lindsey, but the glances that they share with each other as the conversation goes on are knowing. This won’t be something that stays at Skywalker Ranch. It stretches far beyond their reach. 

Eventually, Lindsey is yawning between every few sentences, and Rey is able to convince her to go back inside. They leave Ben on the porch after Rey shoots him a glance that she hopes he’ll understand as _don’t go._

They walk into the quiet cabin and Rey makes sure to stay by Lindsey’s bedside until she’s under the covers and drifting off. Before she’s completely asleep, she mumbles something along the lines of _thank you_ , and Rey just chuckles as she tucks a stray piece of bright red hair behind her ear. 

“Get some sleep,” Rey whispers. “Pancake breakfast tomorrow.”

Lindsey nods, her eyes already closed. Rey lets out a deep breath and then turns back toward the window, where she sees Ben still sitting in the same spot on the porch.

Quickly and quietly, as to not disturb her co-counselor or campers, she exits the cabin. The hopeful, half-smile Ben gives her when she walks back out onto the porch is as welcome and comforting as the cool evening air that hits her skin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is mention of domestic abuse toward the end of this chapter after Rey finds Lindsey crying. The section starts with the line:
> 
>   
> _“I don’t want to go home.”_  
> 
> 
> and ends with:
> 
>   
> _This won’t be something that stays at Skywalker Ranch. It stretches far beyond their reach._
> 
> REFERENCES: 
> 
> [Garcia's Mexican Restaurant](http://garciassmtx.com)  
> [The Dominion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dominion_\(San_Antonio\))


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Heidi, Sam and Felicia for the beta <3

If not for the heinously loud sound of the crickets surrounding them, Ben is sure that he’d be able to hear his own heartbeat as Rey gently latches the cabin door shut. 

She’s still in the clothes she wore out on her break; a loose-fitting grey tank-top and light washed denim cutoffs that do _wonders_ for her backside. Ben catches himself staring her up and down, taking in her endless, toned and tan legs, and nearly chokes on his own tongue when she turns around and almost catches him. 

Thankfully, she seems to be a bit lost in thought still and doesn’t notice his gaping. 

It’s not that he hasn’t known up to this point that Rey is attractive. She’s gorgeous, actually—infuriatingly so—and the more time she spends in the sun, the more _freckles_ seem to spread on her skin and it’s really, truly, a bit of a problem. 

Because Rey is a fucking whirlwind. She’s loud, headstrong, smart, vibrant, funny (not that she’s ever been funny with him, specifically, but he sees how her table at the dining hall is constantly cackling), and she’s undeniably their best female counselor this summer. Her instincts with the kids, even just a week in, are incredibly impressive. 

It’s also not something that Ben alone has noticed. 

“She’s a real spitfire, huh?” his mother had asked at breakfast on Tuesday.

Ben just grunted in agreement; he didn’t even have to look up to know who she was talking about.

Just two days prior, Ben had let Rey in on what happened with Lindsey at drop-offs and could see the rising alarm in her eyes. When he noticed her shoulders going tense as he continued to recount the incident, his voice turned uncharacteristically gentle. It wasn’t something he’d done intentionally—or so he’d told himself—but she’d just looked so upset, more than she should have been for the general concern of a camper she’d only just met. They agreed that she’d make sure to keep an eye on Lindsey and do her best to ensure that she had a good time during the week. The conversation had ended on a genuinely amicable note, and for the rest of the week, they stayed out of each other’s hair. 

It was nice, no longer being adversaries, which, truthfully, Ben never intended for them to become in the first place. It’s just that he’s grumpy and impatient and all-in-all angry, and Rey’s everything that he’s not. Where he feels constantly uncomfortable in his own skin, Rey seems to have no issue with being herself to the fullest extent no matter where she is. 

If he’s being honest with himself, he envies her. She seems to have it all figured out, and half the time, he feels like he can’t tell left from right.

On top of that, being here, in this place that holds so much of his past and his pain, only exacerbates it. So much so that sometimes, he finds it hard to breathe. 

He thinks about quitting at least seven times a day, but then he sees his mother’s small, tear-stained face looking at him from the doorway in New York and he remembers why he’s here, and why he can’t give up. He can let it hurt. Maybe if he does, it will eventually dull, or even heal. 

Not likely, but worth a shot. 

Regardless, he knows that he’s been a dick. When she got back from her break and threw her hands in the air and told him to fire her _like he’s wanted to from the beginning_ , it was brutally evident how poorly he’d been treating her up to this point, and there was no excuse for it.

Especially considering that here, sitting on this porch across from Rey in the dead of night with only the crickets as witnesses, Ben feels… lighter, somehow. It’s interesting, given the heaviness of the conversation they just had with Lindsey, but he feels it nonetheless. His heart feels like it’s begun a long, uphill journey of climbing out of the aching pit in his stomach, scaling the hole higher and higher the longer he’s in her presence.

She called for him. Trusted him. Leaned on him. 

She wanted him to stay.

“So.”

Her soft, tired voice cuts through the incessant cricket hums and Ben finds her eyes.

He nods. “So.”

“What do we do now?” Rey asks, legs swinging back and forth against the dusty concrete slab beneath their feet.

Ben works his jaw. It’s a loaded question—one that will not come with a simple answer. 

“We have to get Luke and Leia involved. We can pull them aside at breakfast tomorrow. With it being so close to closing day, we don’t have a lot of time to talk through our options.”

“What are our options?”

Ben’s quiet for a beat, considering for a moment how _much_ he should get into the logistics of what happens when a camper reports abuse in their home. It’s a sad, lengthy, tiresome process that he’s seen too many times, and it never ends happily. And even if it does, they never know. Once the city takes over, it’s completely out of their hands, and it’s not like they can make house calls to see if anything ever actually changed.

It’s an ugly situation, no matter which way you look at it, and Skywalker Ranch can only help so much before they’re legally required to step back.

Ben sniffs. “We’ll have to contact CPS. We can keep her mom out of the loop so we don’t cause any issues between now and when a caseworker gets involved, but if what she says is true, she’ll probably get removed from the home relatively quickly.”

Rey nods slowly, her lips pressing together tightly as she looks away from him. When she doesn’t say anything, he keeps talking.

“We don’t get to know much after the initial call with CPS, unfortunately. But hopefully, if her grandmother will ease up and take her in. I can’t imagine why she’d turn her away.”

To Ben’s confusion, Rey scoffs at that. 

She doesn’t give him a chance to ask why before she says, “You’d be surprised,” followed by a sniffle, which makes his stomach drop a little. 

Is she crying? It’s almost impossible to tell in the moonlight. 

“People think that blood is all it takes for someone to care about you, or help when you need them,” she’s quiet for a second, and then, “blood is as thick as water. It doesn’t mean anything. Not really.”

She’s definitely crying. He can hear it in the way her voice gives out. 

Before he can think better of it, he’s standing up and walking over to the other side of the porch to sit next to her. When she’s within arms reach, he can see the tears glistening on her cheeks, and the pit in his stomach grows deeper by the second.

“You sound like you have some,” he softens his voice purposefully, forcing it to be as gentle as he can manage, “experience with this.”

Rey looks at him then, and her staring at him head-on like this does nothing for his loud, racing heart. She looks at him like she can see right through all of his carefully constructed walls. 

It’s troubling. 

She nods. “I do.” 

He’s hesitant to press, but the urge to comfort her in any way he can is...undeniable. 

“You wanna talk about it?”

Rey lets out a mirthless laugh. “What’s there to say, really? Never met my dad. Mum had a series of shithole boyfriends, just like Lindsey’s. Then she, uh, she dropped me off at a friend’s house one night when I was twelve and never came back.”

Ben doesn’t know where the desire comes from, but it takes everything in him not to pull her into his chest at that moment. Her despair, the obvious, intense pain that plagues her every word as she recounts his memory, is palpable. Ben has never been a calming, soothing person, but he wants to soothe her all the same. 

He wants to take away her hurt, but he has no idea where to even begin.

“Rey, that’s—”

“It was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter.”

Ben stares at her for a second before letting out a deep breath through his nostrils.

“It does matter, though. You connected with Lindsey because of your own experiences and she opened up to you. If you hadn’t tried to help her, we might never have found out about the abuse.”

Rey lets out a sob. It physically pains Ben to hear it.

“What does it matter in the end, though? I got taken out of my home, too, but nothing ever got _better_. Got worse, actually. At least with my mother, I never went hungry. Shitty as she was, she always fed me. Kept me in clothes that didn’t have holes in them.”

She doubles over then, letting her face fall into her hands as she cries. Ben decides instantly that his general awkwardness and inexperience isn’t enough to hold him back from reaching for her. She’s falling apart at the seams right before his eyes. His hand lands gently on her back and he proceeds to rub soft, ghostlike circles over the material of her tank top. Rey cries hard enough that she starts to hiccup.

“You’re okay, Rey.” His voice is softer than he knew it was capable of being. She picks up her head and looks at him, chest heaving. 

“No. Nothing’s okay. She’s alone now; she’ll be alone once it’s all over. It’s all we ever are, kids with parents that don’t give a shit about us. Alone.”

She sobs through her words, her hands gripping the material of her shorts tight enough that her knuckles have gone white. 

Ben shakes his head. His reaction is instantaneous with her statement, like a reflex he didn’t know he had. “You’re not alone.”

Rey gapes at him for a second, the cries quieting a little, and he can see her grip loosening. The look on her face nearly breaks his heart. She looks ten years younger all the sudden, all splotchy and red with snot forming at her nostrils, her eyes shining and vulnerable in the lowlight. They sit like that for a few long moments, and then Rey takes a deep breath. Her voice is nasally when she speaks again, a few stray tears sneaking down her cheeks.

“Neither are you, you know.”

Ben’s smile is easy. It forms on his lips and he huffs through his nose. “Yeah, well. I don’t know about that.”

She doesn’t return his smile. If anything, her gaze intensifies.

“Well if I’m not, you’re not.”

A moment of understanding passes between them and Ben feels paralyzed in his seat. 

_Whirlwind_ , he thinks. Absolute fucking whirlwind.

“Alright.” He agrees hesitantly. 

Rey nods. “Alright.” 

The silence that follows their agreement is comfortable, and Ben doesn’t even realize that his hand is still on Rey’s back when he looks down at his watch and sees the time. His eyes bulge when he sees that it’s almost two in the morning. 

Thankfully, Rey saves him the trouble of having to comment on it and sits back up slowly, watching Ben’s hand as he retracts it and places it in his lap. 

“I guess I should probably go to bed. I’ve got inservice tomorrow,” she says quietly. 

Ben nods. “Me, too. I’m on water cooler duty in the morning.”

Rey smiles. “Do they really make you do manager-on-duty in the evening _and_ water cooler duty the next morning?” 

When Ben laughs this time, it’s genuine. It seems to surprise them both. 

“You underestimate how persuasive my mother and uncle can be,” he begins, and Rey looks at him curiously. He sighs. “It was either that, or oversee Kitchen Patrol, and I think we both know that I’d probably be better off lugging water coolers around in a golf cart _alone_ at six a.m. than I would be hanging out with a bunch of seven-year-olds.” 

Rey smirks. “Touche.” 

She stands then, dusting off her shorts and the tops of her thighs. He follows, and it’s not lost on him in that moment how much _smaller_ she is than him. He’s a whole head taller than her, at least. A prime height, truly, with her forehead level with his lips. He resists a strangely strong urge to press a kiss there.

He doesn’t. Instead, he rocks on his heels for a moment, and says, “I meant what I said tonight.” 

Rey tilts her head up to look at him, blinking a few times before nodding. “Me, too.” 

Ben nods. “Night, Rey.” 

“Night, Ben.” 

And then they’re both turning away from each other, her to the cabin and him to pack up the hideous green lawn chair that’s sitting in front of the flagpole. 

He doesn’t stop himself from looking back, though, and when he does, he finds her eyes as she pauses in front of the cabin door. 

She’d looked back, too. 

  
  


\------------------------------

  
  


It’s overcast on Friday morning when Rey rolls out of bed and throws on her bright red one-piece bathing suit. The guards have inservice on Tuesdays and Fridays before breakfast, and it’s the Head Guard’s responsibility to oversee it. 

The drills are pretty standard. Treading water for excessive amounts of time, frequent five-hundred meter swims just to stay quick and well-versed with all the different strokes, and lots and _lots_ of rescue scenarios. 

Naturally, she’s the only one that’s begun the walk from the cabin-side of the camp across the bridge to where the pool is. Most of the guards sleep as late as they possibly can, some of them even _in_ their swimsuits so they don’t have to get up until the last second. 

It’s okay, though. She likes the quiet. 

Today, at least, it gives her a moment to reflect on everything that happened last night. 

Because last night was...a lot. 

In the span of three hours, Ben Solo had proven to be much more than an angry, grumpy stick-in-the-mud doing a job that he was supremely unqualified for. From the minute she let go of all pretense and forced his hand, it was like a switch flipped. It was kind of nice, she guessed, that he saw her as better than she was. Not enough of a reason to be a total prick for the past three weeks, but she was more inclined to give him a pass after their little talk by the flagpole. 

And then Lindsey happened. 

Rey’s heart clenches in her chest at the thought of how her sweet, sad face had crumpled as she talked about her mother and how miserable she was at home. 

Knowing what was going to happen to her after this week is over is too much to unpack at this moment. It’s too early, and Rey isn’t positive that she won’t break down into tears again if she starts to dwell on it. 

But despite the unfortunate circumstances, the way Ben had approached the situation had left Rey somewhat dumbfounded. He’d been so good with Lindsey, asking all the right questions in the exact right tone to get her to keep talking, and offering words of comfort when Rey was too obviously emotional to speak. 

And then after...god, _after_. Never in a million years would Rey have expected to be so wholly, gently comforted by this man that had offered her nothing but grief and frustration for weeks, and yet, his hand on her back, his soft, tired voice reassuring her that she wasn’t alone, it all culminated into something momentous. 

In mere minutes, everything had changed. 

He told her she wasn’t alone, and she promised him the same in return. 

When she looked back on her way into the cabin, she’d found him looking back too, and something not unlike hope, buried deep in her gut, started to emerge. 

Rey finally makes it to the pool, a towel around her neck and her Chacos strapped tight to her feet, and she approaches the stack of lockers that were given to the guards at the beginning of the summer. They each have their own, and it’s where Rey keeps her sunscreen, water bottle, hat and sunglasses when she isn’t on duty. 

She grabs the padlock and pushes the dials until she’s got her combo and then pops out the lock, a slight gasp leaving her lips when she finally opens the metal door. 

There, sitting in the middle of her locker amidst her belongings, is _The Hobbit_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some camp references -
> 
> Manager-on-Duty: A rotation of senior staff members that would literally sit in the middle of the girls and boys cabins to monitor nightly activities/staff coming back from breaks. 
> 
> Water Cooler Duty: Throughout all of camp, there are many, many, many coolers for people to utilize to fill up their water bottles. It's Texas, so it's hot as piss, and it was always an EXTREMELY high priority to make sure your campers were hydrated. At the beginning of each day, one of the senior staff literally will take all the coolers (at least 15) and fill them with ice and water and then drive them around on a golf cart to set them at their designated locations.
> 
> Kitchen Patrol: Each day, a different cabin is assigned Kitchen Patrol, which means it's their responsibility to set the tables at the dining hall before each meal. They wake up super early before breakfast to go set up, and it's typically monitored by the counselors and a member of senior staff. I can only imagine how grumpy Ben would be if he had to watch a younger cabin try (and fail) to fill pitchers of apple juice in the morning. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I would love to know what you think! Come find me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com)!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to Sam, Felicia and Heidi for the beta!

Once they pull Leia and Luke aside at breakfast the next morning, everything seems to happen very quickly. Luke contacts the American Camping Association, who contacts Child Protective Services, and then Ben and Rey are both asked to give a statement. 

After that, though, Rey learns just how right Ben was about how little Skywalker Ranch gets to be involved in the rest of the process, which is to say not at all. 

“What happens on Saturday? We just let her go?” Rey’s standing in the doorway of Luke’s office, where he sits behind his computer while Ben and Leia occupy the seats in front of his desk. She’s got her arms folded tightly over her chest in a futile attempt to comfort herself.

Luke sighs. “We’ve done all we’re legally allowed to do. For her safety and the camp’s, we’ve got to stay out of it now.” 

Rey’s eyes flit to Ben’s, then, and she finds sympathy there. She shakes her head slowly, obviously disappointed. He tried to warn her, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. 

  
  


\-----

  
  


As much as she wants to slow it down, Saturday morning—closing ceremony—comes quickly. Lindsey’s been a bit of a wreck up to this point despite Rey’s best efforts to distract her, and when it comes time for them to say goodbye, the teen clings to her like a liferaft, sobbing into the crook of her shoulder. It takes everything Rey’s got to not break down alongside her, knowing what’s waiting for her when she gets home. 

When they break apart, Rey catches a stray tear on her pinky. Lindsey chuckles thickly and wipes at her shining nose. They both completely ignore the impatient sighs of her mother, who stands five feet away with her face buried in her phone. 

“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now,” Rey starts, hands on Lindsey’s shoulders as she looks at her head-on. “But it’s gonna get better. It really is.” 

For the girl that’s spent her entire life living within white lies and shallow truths, it should be easier to do this, to promise hope to this fifteen-year-old kid that’s looking at Rey like she holds the moon, but it’s not. It’s soul-splitting, actually, and the words taste like vinegar as they fall off her tongue, because she actually _doesn’t_ know if it’ll ever be okay.

In Rey’s experience, it’s going to get a lot worse before it ever gets close to anything resembling okay. 

She leans in closely so she can lower her voice, speaking loud enough that only Lindsey can hear her. “Sleep with a knife under your pillow, though, okay? Pray you never need it, but keep it there. Always.” 

Lindsey nods, and Rey squeezes her shoulders a little tighter. When they look up, Ben is standing by Lindsey’s mom, tossing her large laundry bag over his shoulder and gathering her trunk in his other hand. When they both turn to look at him, he smiles easily.

“I thought I’d help walk you to the car. That okay?” he asks, a little sheepish.

Lindsey nods quickly, and then grabs Rey’s hand to drag her along, too.

They follow her out to the parking lot, ignoring her mother’s inane comments about how much she was missed this week, and about how the house is in total shambles without her. Rey has to try extremely hard not to give the woman a piece of her mind. 

They exchange another hug when they reach the car, and Ben reaches out to give Lindsey’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze once he’s finished loading up her luggage. 

“Be safe, okay?” he says gently, ignoring the strange look on her mother’s face as she climbs into the driver's seat. 

Before they know it, she’s buckled in and the car is pulling away, and she’s staring at them from the passenger window, waving until she can’t see them anymore. 

And then she’s gone.

Rey can’t help the sob that escapes her throat as she and Ben turn to head back to Davis Hall. She wants to stop and double over, to scream as loud as she can at the dirt road beneath her feet, but they just keep walking. Seconds after she starts sobbing in earnest, she feels Ben’s hand at her back, heavy and soft all at the same time. 

It’s an instant balm to this nightmare of a moment, and she can’t help but move a little closer to him as they go.

  
  


\-----

  
  


By week four, Rey’s gotten the hang of this whole summer camp counselor thing.

She’s had a good variety of age groups so far. First week was the fourteen-to-fifteens, of course, which had been fun but altogether a bit stressful, second was twelve-to-thirteens, third was eight-to-nines, and now she’s got the ten-to-elevens.

They’re an absolute hoot; it’s that sweet spot of growing up where you’re mature enough to have an actual conversation with an adult, but not quite moody preteen enough that you’re too cool to sing at campfire or do silly camp skits.

On top of that, Rey’s also co-counselors with Rose week four—finally—and they’re having a blast with their girls, coming up with goofy nicknames for each one and making sure to scream their cabin chants at the top of their lungs as they walk around the camp. 

On Wednesday night, when neither of them have their long break and finally have a few moments together, Rose and Rey are painting their toenails on the floor of the bathroom. 

They’re chatting and giggling as quietly as they can as to not wake their campers; they get so few moments of precious, uninterrupted solitude like this one.

Rey decides that now’s as good a time as any to ask Rose about the thing that’s been rolling around in her brain for the past week. 

“Hey, um,” she starts, then stops to clear her throat. Rose blinks up at her. 

“Will you tell me more about the Pendants? I’m um—I’m thinking about getting mine, but I want to hear the real stuff, not the script Leia reads every Sunday to the new campers.”

Rose looks a little surprised. “You are?”

Rey nods hesitantly. “I mean, maybe.”

It’s undeniable that she’s a little nervous about it; Pendants are a staple in the camp’s culture, Rey has come to learn. Each opening campfire, Leia stands up in front of the entire camp and explains the significance behind the Pendants and how they came to be. 

They’re described as the beating heart of Skywalker Ranch. There are six levels: Bronze, Copper, Silver, Gold, Platinum, and Diamond, each representing a different avenue toward self-betterment. When someone decides that they’d like to tie their first Pendant, they are wholeheartedly committing to work toward becoming a better version of themselves. 

The physical reminder of this commitment is an actual pendant that hangs around your neck, and it gets tied when you and a Pendant counselor of your choosing have decided on a set of goals to meet throughout your journey.

Every Pendant holder wears theirs on opening and closing days, and some even wear them during the week. It’s an obvious source of pride for everyone that carries one. 

Rose is beaming. “That’s so exciting, Rey. Pendants are, uh, they’re a huge part of this place. It’s kind of like this whole...hidden world, almost.”

Rey swipes on another coat of cobalt blue onto her big toenail. “It sounds intense.”

Though her voice is just above a whisper, Rose’s excitement is evident as she continues.

“It is.” She replaces the applicator to her coral pink polish back into the tube before turning her body to give Rey her full attention.

“Basically, you have to ask someone that’s already gotten the level of Pendant you’d like to tie to counsel you. So, for example, you’re brand new, so you’d be going for the Bronze Pendant, which means you’d need someone with at least the Bronze to be your counselor.” 

Rey nods, considering. 

“Then, it’s up to your counselor to decide by the end of the week if you’re ready to take on the challenges you’ve set for yourself. It’s also up to them to check in with you periodically during the off-season to make sure you’re staying on track.”

“And the ceremony?”

This is the part she’s most curious about—the part that seems the most mysterious. On Friday nights, the camp does a closing ceremony just for the campers, where they tell the history of the Skywalker Ranch through a dramatic play put on by senior staff. Then, each group goes back to their cabin to talk through the highlights of the week.

But when the clock strikes ten, as the rest of the camp is taking showers, brushing teeth and winding down for lights out, the Pendant group is hiking up Mount Vaughn, a large hill on the southside of the camp. 

It’s where they take the teen cabins to have s’mores on Wednesday evenings and where the Outdoor Skills club goes to build forts and find arrowheads. 

It’s also home to Pendant Point which, rumor has it, is in a secret location that only Pendant holders are allowed to see. 

“I can’t tell you much, but I will say that I’ve never left a pendant ceremony with dry eyes.”

Rose smiles easily, as if recalling one in this very moment. 

“Really? Is it...a lot?”

“It is. It’s hard to face parts of yourself that you aren’t used to seeing, and there’s something about Pendant Point that just makes you...I don’t know,” she shakes her head, looking down at her pink toes. “You’re there with your counselor and they usually prepare some kind words that they’ll whisper to you as they tie your pendant. It’s just like everything’s laid out in the open. No more hiding.”

Rey nods slowly, swallowing hard at the thought of being in a situation so intimate. 

To trust someone so implicitly that you don’t feel the need to hide any part of yourself. 

For Rey, someone that’s spent a lifetime hiding, the idea of that scares the shit out of her.

  
  


\-----

  
  


By Friday morning, Rey’s curiosity has won out over her fear, and she tells Leia over pancakes and bacon in the dining hall. 

“Oh, honey, I’m so happy to hear that!” Leia beams.

Rey’s returning smile is nervous but genuine. 

“Rose told me I should ask you to help me find a counselor, so here I am.”

Leia purses her lips, thinking. She taps her index finger over them as she glances thoughtfully around the dining hall. She must see something she likes, because her smile lines deepen instantly. 

“You know,” she says, lacing her fingers together and setting them down on the table as she turns her attention back to Rey. 

“I’ve been trying to get Ben back into counseling Pendants. He hasn’t yet this summer, but he used to do it all the time. He was wonderful at it.”

Rey feels her heart start to thump a little. It doesn’t surprise her, really. Ben is understanding and gentle when he wants to be—she’s seen it firsthand. 

And ever since that night with Lindsey, things have been better. Good, even. They smile at each other in passing. Their conversations are always easy and light. He checks in on her every few days at meals just to see how she’s doing and how her cabin is that week.

It’s nice, honestly. She’s making great friends at camp, and she’s happy to count Ben as one of them. 

But as friendly as they may be now, the idea of all of his attention being directed at her, of him being something like a life-coach in this setting, is enough to make her sweat a little. 

Even if it’s just the Bronze Pendant, according to Rose, there still has to be a profound level of trust between the person getting the Pendant tied and the person doing the tying. It’s a statement of commitment on one end and care on the other, weaving together to construct a path that ultimately gives you room to grow as a person. 

(So, she _might’ve_ drank a bit of the Koolaid. Maybe. Sue her.)

The possibility of that person for her being _Ben_ is not one she’d considered. Their closeness that night had torn open something deep inside of her, and not necessarily in a way she liked. And it’s not that Rey’s been avoiding having anything other than ankle-deep conversations with Ben ever since, but she’s definitely not going out of her way to pour her heart out to him through incoherent sobs again, either. 

“I think he’d be a great guide for you, as a first timer. He used to help a lot of kids through their first Pendants when he was a counselor.”

Rey breathes through her hesitation, not wanting to show too much of it in her face for fear of exposing it to Leia, who probably doesn’t know the extent of their tumultuous beginnings.

“You think?” Rey asks.

Leia nods. “I do. My son is a grump, generally speaking, but he’s also a great listener, and he’s very organized. He always remembers to keep up with his group, even after they’ve moved onto new levels or given up on the program entirely.”

A pang of affection for Ben blooms in Rey’s stomach unexpectedly at the thought; she imagines him writing letters to campers long gone and checking in on them, meticulously studying their goals and offering words of encouragement to get them back on track.

Rose’s words echo in her mind as she considers the suggestion. 

_It’s just like everything’s laid out in the open. No more hiding_.

She decides after a moment that if she’s gonna do this, she might as well go all in. 

And if Ben Solo—the person that’s been keeping her on her toes for six weeks and showing her parts of herself that she wasn’t even aware existed—can’t make her finally stop hiding, then maybe no one can. 

Rey finds Leia’s eyes again. She shrugs, hoping her smile doesn’t reflect how terrifying this has all just become, and says, “Alright, let’s do it.” 

  
  


\-----

  
  


After that, Leia tells Rey to sit tight, and that she’ll take care of the hard part, which is getting Ben to agree to go back to Pendant Point. 

Rey looks confused at the statement, but doesn’t press. Ben is a constant enigma; she’s used to being baffled by him at this point. 

Perhaps if he agrees, she’ll get to understand more about what makes him tick, or at least something more about his personality than the fact that he loves the Lord of the Rings. 

By dinnertime, they’ve clearly had a conversation. Rey’s stuffing her face full of spaghetti, green beans and breadsticks when a large figure looms over her stool. She startles slightly, mouth full of bolognese, and follows Ben’s gaze as he kneels down to be at eye level with her. 

_Jesus_ , he’s tall. Has he always been this tall? 

“Hi,” Rey says, a half-eaten breadstick in the hand closest to him. 

Ben smiles a little tightly at her. “Hey.” 

He looks around her table then, as if assessing the kids’ interest in their conversation. She follows his eyes and sees that they’re all more or less occupied with each other and Mitaka, her tablemate this week, who sits dutifully at the other end. 

Ben turns to face her again. “My mother mentioned that you’d like to get your Bronze Pendant.” 

“Yeah.” Rey nods. “She told me that you would be a great counselor for me.” 

Ben grimaces slightly. “I don’t know about _great_. I haven’t tied a Pendant in years.” 

His eyes fall to the floor then, and for a split-second, he looks inexplicably sad.

Rey’s eyebrows knit together of their own accord at the sight of him. She clears her throat, then, and he perks back up. “Well, it’s not like I have a frame of reference, now do I?” 

He gives her a soft, nearly-imperceptible smile. “I guess not.” 

“So you’ll do it, then?” 

He considers her for a long moment before letting out a heavy breath through his nostrils. 

“Yeah, of course,” he says, almost nervously. “If you want me to.” 

When he speaks again, his voice is gentle, much like it was all those nights ago, on the porch of Cabin 12. So rare that he uses it, but a wondrous sound it is nonetheless. 

“I’d be honored, Rey.” 

  
  


\-----

  
  
  


They decide early-on that they’re going to jog during their counseling sessions instead of sitting on the rocking chairs of the dining hall porch like everyone else. 

Rey practically lit up when Ben suggested it, happy to have something to do with her body amidst the heavy topics they’re bound to get into. 

Saturday morning, the day after he agrees, they meet at the flagpole before dawn. 

“Ready?” Ben asks, his voice raspy with tiredness and at _least_ an octave deeper than normal. He’s got on athletic shorts and a grey hoodie and looks altogether handsome in a sleepy way until you get to this head, where that wretched headlamp has made its return.

When Rey snorts a little after seeing it, Ben lifts his eyebrows at her. 

“You’ll thank me when you don’t fall into a hole and twist your ankle.” 

She purses her lips, fighting a smile. “Lots of holes on our jogging path, are there?” 

Even in the dark, she can see him roll his eyes. “Have you stretched?” 

Rey nods. They warm up by walking, starting down the paved road that leads to the river.

  
Ben’s got the headlamp on and his hands are in the pocket of his hoodie when she sees him glance over at her out of her peripheral vision. 

“So, uh—what made you want to go for your first Pendant?” 

Silence hangs between them for a few moments while Rey formulates an answer that will make sense to someone besides _her_. 

Because truthfully, she’s thought a lot about this, but it’s hard to get to the heart of the reason without really _diving_ in, and she’s not quite ready to do that yet. 

It’s not even six a.m., after all. 

She lands on, “I guess I like a challenge.” 

Ben nods. “That the only reason?” 

“Curiosity, too, maybe? Everyone that has one just seems so...proud of it.” 

“It’s a big deal around here. Tying new levels of Pendants is a very personal experience. I’ve seen…” he trails off, and when Rey turns to look at him she finds him looking down to the pavement. “I’ve seen firsthand how it can change someone’s life for the better.” 

“Hey, you don’t have to sell it to me. I’m here, aren’t I?” she chides, her defenses and automatic reflexes to lighten the atmosphere already rearing their heads. 

“You are.”

“What level are you, then?” 

Ben is quiet for a long moment. They’re halfway around the camp by now, their pace increasing as they go, and Rey is already starting to perspire a little in the humid morning air. Texas summers are the devil’s doing, Rey’s convinced. Miserable, bitingly hot days and thick, humid nights and mornings. There’s hardly ever a middle ground. 

“Um,” Ben looks like he’s trying to shove his hands further into his pockets. “My dad tied my Silver when I was eighteen.”

“But you haven’t been up there at all this summer?” 

He shakes his head. 

“Why?” 

Ben slows down before coming to a full stop. Rey walks a few paces ahead of him before turning back to see his feet planted on the road and a wrinkle in his brow. 

“Look, Rey,” he sighs. “I know you don’t mean anything by it, but can we—” 

His eyes lose hers, and he looks around at their surroundings, taking in a long breath. 

“I’d rather not talk about it, if it’s all the same to you. All that matters is I’ll be there if and when you decide to get your Bronze tied. Okay?” 

Rey considers him for a long moment. It’s _not_ all the same to her, not really, but she isn’t going to argue with him. She can tell by the way his shoulders go tense and his eyes always fall to his shoes that it’s physically demanding for him to talk about his past.

It’s troubling him immensely, and the urge in her gut to comfort him is unmistakable. 

But she also understands better than anyone that laying yourself out on the table for someone to see is a grueling endeavor when your past is a painful, disturbing thing. 

So, she just nods, and offers him a soft, kind smile. “Okay.”

  
  


\-----

  
  


By the third session, which happens on Monday morning of week five, they’ve got a rhythm. 

“So, we’ve gotten the commitment to community part down,” Ben states as they near the dining hall on their warm up lap, which is the midway point on their usual route.

“Yep. Dedicate at least ten hours a month to volunteering, starting with the Humane Society. Easiest goal I’ve ever set for myself.” 

She sees Ben’s small smile out of the corner of her eye. 

“Now, it’s time for commitment to self part.” 

Rey’s jaw goes a little tense. Ben must notice her apprehension, because he pipes in again before she gets too far into her head. 

“It doesn’t have to be anything momentous, you know. It can be little things. Small, achievable goals that you can check off and feel good about throughout the year.” 

“What were some of yours?” 

Ben sighs. “God, I don’t even remember the specifics. It was so long ago. I think one of them was to meditate more often, which I did. And to try to start forgiving more, maybe?” 

Rey knows better than to press, but she puts the tidbit in her pocket regardless. 

“Hmm…” 

When they get to the flagpole, they start to run. The sound and feeling of Rey’s sneakers hitting the road is incredibly welcomed as she mulls over the million and one things she doesn’t like about herself that could be thoroughly improved. One in particular sticks out like a sore thumb, and she decides it’s not _so_ unobtainable that she can’t add it to her list. 

“I’d like to stop...assuming the worst.” 

Ben’s jogging at her pace beside her, and she sees him glance over. When he doesn’t say anything, she continues. 

“I don’t know. I feel like whenever I meet new people, I always think they have ulterior motives. Or I imagine the worst version of who they are and assume that they’re actually _that_ person, just in hiding.” 

“Why do you think you do that?” he asks, a little breathless. Rey’s gotten used to talking as they run by now, considering she does most of it. 

Her reply is instant. It falls out of her mouth with no regard for her privacy. 

“That’s what happens when you’re raised by monsters.”

Ben’s quiet then, but the air that hangs between them turns thick. 

Rey sniffs. “When people show you the worst of themselves over and over, you stop believing that there’s anything good left. In anyone.” 

He seems to consider this for a moment. Then, with a sigh, says, “It’s a good goal, Rey. I think assuming positive intent is always a good mentality to have—it’s something I struggle with, too, as you know.” 

Rey chuckles a little despite herself. 

“We can add it to the list, but—” 

A beat passes. Rey looks over to him. “But?” 

He doesn’t look at her as he continues. 

“But I want you to know that you do it already, is all. You—you saw something in me. You must have, to put up with me after how I treated you.” 

“Ben, it’s not a big—” 

“It is. I showed you, undeservedly, how shitty I can be, and yet, you’re still here. So, maybe you saw some good, too. Maybe you see a little bit of everything.” 

She’s quiet for a second before she says, “Maybe,” so softly that she barely hears it herself. 

They run the rest of the route in silence as Rey mulls over the loaded praise Ben just gave her, unprompted and so genuine that she feels suddenly warm all over. 

Eventually, they slow to a stop, and if Rey wasn’t breathless before, she definitely is now. 

“I do, you know,” she says to him as they turn to face each other, sweat dripping down their foreheads. Ben’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. 

She clarifies, and the words hang heavy and blaring between them.

“I see you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Camp References: 
> 
> **Pendants** are based on a very similar program that we did at my camp. It absolutely was kind of a secret world and the ceremonies were always super emotional. I'll never forget some of the things my counselors told me when they tied my "pendant". <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just found out that my camp is cancelling their residence camp operations for 2020. It's absolutely devastating. To all of you that are reading this that work at camps or have camps that are special to you, I'm so sorry if yours is also being negatively affected. I'm hoping mine will post some sort of relief fund that I can donate to. I can't even imagine being a counselor or camper looking forward to camp this summer only for this to happen. 
> 
> My heart hurts for you if you are and know that I'm here if you need to talk! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter. <3
> 
> Major shout out to Heidi, Sam and Felicia for the beta :)

The Fourth of July falls on a Wednesday.

It’s Ben’s responsibility to make sure that they’ve got one of every kind of firework available on this side of the Mississippi, and they’re all loaded up in the back of his truck as he drives back into camp around eleven on Tuesday night. He follows behind an old, rickety little Jetta that may have been red at some point but now looks like more of a ghostly orange. Ben knows that it’s Rose’s car, and he also knows that Rey is in the passenger seat. He can see her classic three little buns every time she turns to say something or look out the window. 

It’s been a week since Rey leveled him with her ‘ _I see you’_ comment as the sun was rising against thick grey rain clouds. They had one more session after that one on Thursday, but Ben did his best to let her do most of the talking, for fear of landing his size fourteen foot directly in his mouth. 

Because Rey made him nervous, and when he’s nervous, he tends to ramble.

It’s more like word vomit, really. He’d probably blurt out something ridiculous like that she should really be sure to put extra sunscreen on those freckles dotting her chest because he’s noticed they’re darkening, or like that he can tell she isn’t sleeping with a mattress pad because of the way she’s always flexing and rubbing her shoulders.

So, yeah. Ben lets Rey talk. It’s an act of self-preservation. 

She’d spent most of the hour talking about her parents and what she remembered of them, which wasn’t a ton. They talked about her future volunteering endeavors, and how she could look into helping kids from troubled homes in school or sports, and Ben cannot get the way her face had lit up—at just the _thought of it—_ out of his head. 

By the end of the run, he wanted to tell her that he sees her, too. He wanted to tell her that he’d been such a goddamn idiot before, to judge her without knowing her, or assume the worst in her when she was truly good. She isn’t selfish or arrogant or needlessly rebellious like he pegged her to be early-on. Rey’s curious, and smart, and outspoken in a way that keeps him on his toes. 

She’s as bright as a rip-roaring flame. 

She’s as unpredictable, too, constantly surprising him.

The whole situation makes his heart feel like it’s in a perpetually tight clench. It makes him more aware of it than he has been in a decade, that beating, pounding organ that reminds him that he’s alive, that he’s here. That he’s finally letting himself feel something. 

They park next to each other in front of Davis Hall and Rey beams when she notices his truck. She hops out of the car just as he does, and as they both stand face-to-face on the asphalt, he can’t help but stare a little.

Even under only the dim porch lights of Davis Hall, Ben can tell that Rey’s tan is doing her all the favors. She’s sunkissed in the best way, naturally bronzed skin and little streaks of blonde in her chestnut hair. They both wear one of many camp-uniform-esque outfits, this one being Nike athletic shorts and a t-shirt with a large Skywalker Ranch insignia on its front. Her navy-blue and pink polkadot Chacos are strapped tightly to her feet, and she wiggles her cobalt-blue painted toenails when she notices him staring. 

Ben clears his throat and finds her eyes again. “How, uh—how was your break?” 

Rey looks wistful when she shrugs. “Relaxing, honestly. Rose and I did laundry and had homemade pizza with her mom and dad.”

“Oh, good. No Bud Lights this time?” 

She rolls her eyes. “Must we always have the same fight, Benjamin?” 

There’s no heat in her words, and the little smirk on her lips is turning into a full-on, cheeky as hell grin right before his eyes. 

Ben’s face transforms into a smile as hers does. He can’t imagine how dopey he must look right now; the actual human embodiment of heart eyes, probably. 

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly. 

Rey lifts onto her tiptoes to look in the bed of his truck, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise. 

“Woah.” 

He turns his body and observes with her as she walks forward, reaching her hands up onto the sides so she can lift herself to get a better view. 

“This is all for tomorrow?” 

“Yep.” Ben nods. “Your first July 4th, huh? I’m honored.” 

She gives him a funny look. “Honored?” 

Rey hops down. With one last glance at the massive array, she turns to him. 

“You’ve never seen a fireworks show like a Texan firework show on July 4th. Just trust me.” 

Her smile returns. “I do.” 

  
  


\--------

“You’ve got everything, right? Flashlight, headlamp, batteries, torches, bug spray?” 

Ben’s stuffing a bag full of all the items in question as he hovers over Leia’s desk. Luke is sitting at one of the uncomfortable chairs in front of it and has been nagging him for the past twenty minutes about _making sure the show is perfect._

It’s not Ben’s first rodeo, but Luke likes to remind him that he’s also never done it alone, and since he’s got to leave for some conference in an hour, he won’t be around to assist. 

Ben zips up the small navy backpack. “I’ve got it all taken care of. I promise.”

Leia chimes in, not taking her eyes off of her monitor. “Ben’s seen about a million of your Fourth of July firework shows, Luke. I think he’s more than capable of doing you justice.” 

Her glasses sit at the bridge of her nose as she browses new archery targets on Amazon. She’s casually dressed in a t-shirt and comfortable jeans, and she looks about as fed up with Luke’s nagging as Ben feels. 

Luke stands up and smoothes his khaki pants. “Alright, fine,” he murmurs. “Just don’t set the camp on fire, please. I’d like to have a bed to sleep in when I get back.” 

Ben rolls his eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” 

His uncle is nearly out the door when he turns over his shoulder to look at Ben. “Kid, you just got here. Forgive me if I’m a little antsy about my favorite night of the year being handed off to someone that hasn’t been around for one for over a decade.” 

Despite himself, Ben feels a little stunned. He hears Leia scoff behind him, but Luke is turning on his heel and making a quick exit before she has the chance to chide him.

Ben stands at his mother’s desk, hands still idly touching the backpack. He feels like he’s been stung. Luke’s words hang over him like a haze, and he fights the urge to shove a fist through the weak drywall. Two months into the summer and it’s still so easy to feel like an outsider. There’s so many little things that he isn’t privy to, so many inside jokes and bits of tribal knowledge that float around and create the culture and language of the camp. 

And after ten years gone, Ben is no longer fluent. As much as he tries, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever actually fit in here. The second he thinks he’s starting to get the hang of it, someone is right there, ready to cut him down to size. Not for the first time, he considers that maybe he doesn’t really belong here. Perhaps, maybe he never did. 

His mother mercifully pulls him from this dangerous train of thought. 

“Don’t worry about him. You know he’s just nervous the kids are going to like yours better than his. Which, honestly, they probably will. He’s been doing the same show for twenty-five years.” 

He offers her a small smile and a tight nod in return. 

Leia stares at him thoughtfully for a few moments. Then, quietly, she tells him, “You’ve never been a stranger here, sweetheart.” 

Ben looks up at her. He blinks a few times as they hold each other’s eyes. He didn’t know where exactly this conversation was heading, but he certainly didn’t expect her to say _that_. And yet, somehow, his mother always seemed to have a sense for the dark rumblings going on inside his head.

“Feels like it sometimes,” he murmurs, dropping his eyes down to the floor. 

He listens to a few clicks of her mouse as she locks her computer and stands up. Leia may be more than a foot shorter than him, but when she squares up, toe-to-toe in front of him, he feels like he’s six-years-old again, looking up at her and wanting nothing more than for her to hold him. To tell him that it’s all going to be okay. 

“I know. But I’m proud of you for sticking it out. I know it’s not easy—you being back here, after everything. I hope that you’ve,” she trails off a bit, taking in a deep breath through her nose. “I hope you’re not hurting as much as you were, in the beginning.” 

Ben stares at her for a long moment. He works his jaw, visibly uncomfortable as his shoulders tense and his fists ball up tightly. 

She sees it, and feels it too, and her tiny hand reaches up to smooth over Ben’s shoulder. 

“You don’t have to talk to me about it. I know you don’t like to. But I hope you talk to someone. I’ve been happy to see you and Rey hitting it off.”

Some of the tension in Ben’s body immediately eases, just at the sound of her name. It’s a little alarming, honestly, but he’s too worked up to spend too much time thinking about it. 

He gives Leia a tight nod. 

“I bet she’d be willing to listen.”

Ben scoffs. “It’s her Pendant. Not mine.” 

The looks she gives him makes him regret the words immediately. He should have known his mother would never accept such a weak excuse. 

“I just mean—I don’t want to waste her time talking about me when the whole thing is supposed to be about bettering _her_. Getting _her_ goals figured out.”

Leia breathes out a heavy breath. “Ben, that girl has been trying to get to know you from the minute she got here. Even after you _so sweetly_ told her you’d fire her for hugging a child.” 

“No, it wasn’t li—” 

A hand comes up in his face. “I don’t care. All I’m saying is give her a chance. She might surprise you.” 

_If only you knew_ , he thinks. 

Ben sighs, sticking his hands into his pockets, accepting defeat.

Then, softly, he murmurs, “Alright.” 

\--------  
  


Rey and Kaydel have the oldest cabin this week, which means they’re at the front of the line as the whole camp hikes up Mount Vaughn, which _also_ means that Rey and Ben are practically shoulder to shoulder the whole forty-five minutes it takes to get to the top. 

Behind them, her cabin of fifteen-year-olds are gushing about the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber or one of those pop sensations that Ben doesn’t understand. Unbeknownst to them, he’s walking alongside Rey with a knot in his stomach and his throat, trying to work up the courage to come clean with her. To give her the truth that he knows she wants but has stopped asking for, out of respect for him. 

The fact that she’s stopped, that she looks at him thoughtfully every time he reveals something new about himself, but doesn’t pry, only makes him want to tell her more. 

Ben’s lugging up the backpack while Leia drives up the truck, unwilling to hike the steep trail by foot. Next to him, Rey’s breathing heavily, and a few dots of sweat are beading at her forehead. He clears his throat, not looking at her but seeing out of the corner of her eye when she turns to face him. 

“Listen, I, um,” he starts, already failing to produce even a modicum of self-confidence. Classic Ben. “You asked me a while ago why I haven’t been back to Pendant Point and I—” 

Rey’s full-on staring at him now, and Ben feels his cheeks start to heat. 

“I wanted to tell you, even then. But it’s just hard for me to talk about, that’s all.” 

He sees her slow, understanding nod. “It’s okay, Ben. I don’t want to pressure you.” 

“I know,” he says truthfully. “I know you don’t. And I appreciate that. But I want you to know more things about me. The mutual trust and understanding of one another—it’s important, for the bond of the Pendant.” 

So, maybe there’s a shred of false pretense happening here, but it’s not wholly untrue. He does want their bond to be real. He wants the Pendant she wears around her neck to remind her of her goals and her journey, but to also remind her of safety, and unwavering support, two things he’d love nothing more than to give her, over and over again. 

They’re only a quarter of the way up the mountain by now, and Ben’s thankful for the burning in his lungs that sharpens with each step. It keeps him centered as he tries to contemplate finally starting to put everything on the table. 

“I wasn’t there when he died,” he says, matter-of-factly, and keeps his eyes glued to the rocky path ahead. “He, um—he didn’t have a heart attack and die right away, either. He had a heart attack and was in the hospital for three days before he died.” 

Ben works his jaw. It’s the first time he’s ever said that out loud. 

Rey’s quiet beside him, but fully engaged. He can see it in her face, even though he’s not looking directly at her. 

It’s right there. Safety and unwavering support. 

She’s already giving it to him. He wonders absently why he’d ever doubted that she would. 

“When he tied my Pendant my first year as a counselor, I broke down. I cried in his arms for hours up there. That summer—" Ben trails off, pursing his lips. He takes a moment to compose himself. “That was the same summer that I decided to leave. My dad, he knew that I was going to run. He said that he could feel it, that he could feel my heart in his and knew how scared I was. How much I needed to get away.” 

Rey doesn’t pry, and again, he’s grateful. She just keeps walking beside him, listening.

“He told me that no matter where I went or how long I was gone, no matter who I became, that I would always belong right here. That this would never _not_ be my home. I cried like a baby as he told me, and then I screamed at him and told him that I didn’t believe him.” 

Silence hangs between them for a moment. Ben takes a deep breath.

“Some shit went down that summer that—” he pauses. A few long, silent moments pass.

Finally, he continues. “It—it changed everything. How I felt about this place, how I felt about myself, how I felt about _him._ I’d convinced myself, even as his arms were wrapped around me tight enough that I couldn’t breathe, that he didn’t love me. Not really. He couldn’t love me, because he didn’t really know me.” 

“And your Pendant ceremony...was that the last…?” Rey trails off, afraid to even speak the words. 

Ben nods slowly, finishing the sentence for her. “Yeah. That was the last time I saw him before I took off. The next time was his funeral.” 

“Oh, Ben.” Rey’s voice is full of sympathy, but there’s no trace of pity. 

Ben’s eyes start to sting. 

“It is what it is, right?” he says tightly. “Can’t take it back now. But that’s why—that’s why it’s hard for me to think about going back there. I think about that place and all I see is him, and me pushing him away. Out of my life, forever.” 

At that, she stops, pulling Ben off to the side of the trail so the rest of the group can continue. The late-evening humidity is merciless, but they’re nearly there now. Ben’s calves are burning and his grey t-shirt is drenched in sweat. 

Rey stands in front of him, and when he finally meets her eyes, they’re full of concern.

“We don’t have to go up there. I won’t make you do that. We can tie my Pendant anywhere.” 

“No, Rey, it’s not that big of—”

She cuts him off. “It is, to me. You say that there’s got to be mutual trust and understanding, right? For the bond?” 

Ben just nods. 

“Then let’s make a new Pendant point. A place for beginnings. Untouched by the past, and,” she says, and then after a beat, “Just ours.” 

He stares at her, her dark-hazel eyes glimmering green against the trees. He nods again. 

“Ours,” he agrees softly. 

  
  
  


\--------

  
  
  


By the time they reach the peak, Rey’s sweating and a little stinky, and she makes a beeline for the group of Igloos sitting on the bed of the truck. 

She watches as Ben approaches the truck, too, eyeing the loads of fireworks piled high before him. He looks calculating for a second, and then there’s a glimmer in his eyes that’s suddenly undeniable. He looks _excited._

Phasma and Hux have started on the fire, Rose and Kaydel are prepping s’mores and everyone else is sitting down with their cabins. The sun has just set, so they’ve got a good twenty or so minutes left of daylight. As everyone settles in, Leia stands at the front, everyone’s voices starting to quiet as she clasps her hands together, waiting patiently. 

Once Rey’s water bottle is full, she leaves Ben to his own devices and walks over to where her cabin is, taking a seat in the middle of them and criss-crossing her legs. 

The respect Leia commands is evident, right in this moment, as the remaining buzzing of the crowd dies down without a word out of her mouth. 

There’s a small, easy smile on her face. 

“Since we have a little time before it’s dark, I thought we could do some Public Appreciations. You guys know the drill.” 

At once, a few counselors and campers stand, walking over to the right of where Leia is and forming a line. She clears her throat, the group in front of her still quiet even as more people start to join the line. 

“I’d like to publicly appreciate my son, our Director, Ben,” Leia says loudly, enough so that Ben can definitely hear her, and Rey confirms this when she turns to look at him and sees him pause unloading the fireworks from the truck to look back at them. 

Leia’s smile widens. “Ben is incredibly dedicated to his role here at Skywalker Ranch. I’ve seen him out here every single day this summer, trying to make this the best experience possible for all of you. I know that his father would be proud of the work he’s done. I know that I am. So, thank you, Ben.” 

Rey watches Ben’s nostrils flare. He looks awestruck. 

The crowd repeats the sentiment in practiced unison. “Thank you, Ben.” 

It pulls him out of his reverie and he smiles at all of them, his lips tight. With a firm nod and a clench of his jaw, he turns back to his task. 

A few more people make their appreciation declarations, including Finn, who publicly appreciates Mitaka for bringing Nesquick to breakfast that morning, and a few campers that publicly appreciate Rose for lifeguarding for them at the waterfalls that are a forty-minute walk away from camp. 

Poe also publicly appreciates Hux for always giving him his s’more, and it earns a few woops around the group, their shameless flirting surprising no one. 

When they’re done, Leia explains the rules for the show. No one gets close to Ben; they’ve actually got a few orange traffic cones blocking off where he’ll be conducting. No running off; always make sure you have at least one of your counselors in sight. No screaming; _oohing_ and _ahhing_ is perfectly acceptable, but screaming can get obnoxious. 

And soon after that, the sky is a deep dark blue that's slowly fading to black. Fireworks have already started going off around them, and the view from the top of Mount Vaughn is rather spectacular. Rey thinks she’s never seen anything quite so magical. 

But then Ben proves her wrong when he shoots off his first firework. The entire camp stares up in awe as it crackles above their heads, bathing all of them in its opalescent glow. It’s followed immediately by a bright crimson one, overlapping it and creating entrancing patterns that have them all wide-eyed and slack-jawed. 

He goes on like this for an hour. Every display is better than the last. He’s also brought along speakers, and the songs that play in tandem with the show are perfectly choreographed. The kids are ecstatic; Rey hears them all shouting incessantly as the fireworks crack in the sky, claiming adamantly how they’ve never seen anything _so freakin’ awesome._ She wholeheartedly agrees with them, too. 

At one point, toward the end, Rey looks over at Ben from where she’s sitting. He’s far away, but she can see him perfectly as she stares up at his handiwork, a little smile on his lips. 

Every once and awhile, his eyes will fall back to the crowd and he’ll just watch their faces for a few moments. Rey’s whole body feels warm as she watches the smile on his face grow as the kids hoot and holler about how incredible the show is. 

She thinks then, still staring at him, that Ben’s heart is something she’s maybe learning to understand, even if it’s slow-going. It’s deeper than she ever expected it to be, for one thing, but she’s enjoying the process of it all, the little moments of trust and care that happen between them that show her more and more of who he truly is.

Because Rey’s finding that she likes who he truly is. 

She _really_ likes it. 

He listens to her when she talks. Really listens. He asks follow-up questions, and they’re always thoughtful, they make her keep talking, make her _want_ to keep talking. He remembers the little things in her stories and ties them back to things she says _days_ later. He looks her in the eyes when they’re not side-by-side. 

He doesn’t allow her to be anything but honest; and the thing is, it’s not like he demands it outright. It’s just something that he—that his _presence_ brings out in her. 

It scares the shit out of her, frankly, but she’s learning to deal with that fear, because it means she gets to feel what she feels when she’s talking to Ben Solo. 

When Ben turns to meet her gaze, Rey doesn’t shy away. They hold each other’s eyes for a few long moments, neither of their smiles fading. Then, because she’s Rey and she’ll be cheeky ‘til she’s six feet under, she winks at him. Ben shakes his head incredulously, and the smile on his face transforms instantly into a grin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> July 4th was on a Sunday in 2010 so if you fact checked that before you read this don't @ me, I just needed it to be a mid-weeker because we always had the BEST firework shows and the one time it did happen on an opening day it just wasn't as much fun so FORGIVE me for taking that liberty lol


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the best beta squad in the game - Heidi, Sam and Felicia <3 
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe)!

Rey and Kaydel’s cabin has Kitchen Patrol on Wednesday of week six—the week following the fireworks show. They’re in the dining hall at seven a.m. sharp and Rey’s helping the girls fill pitchers of orange juice when she notices Ben standing in the doorway of the kitchen. 

He’s got on grey sweats and a white t-shirt and looks half-asleep, even though Rey can only see his profile. Maz is talking his ear off about buying the _best value_ eggs at the supermarket up the road and Ben has his hands up in a lazy, tired surrender as he follows her to the walk-in fridge.

They’re just about done setting the tables with plates, cutlery, pitchers and condiments and Kaydel is standing in a circle with the cabin while they decide which grace they want to do that morning. Eventually, they decide on the _Peter Pan_ grace (which is the one where you literally just say the word “grace”—it always earns a good laugh).

Rey’s setting down a bottle of hot sauce on the last table when Ben emerges from the kitchen again. He’s wearing his glasses; Rey shouldn’t be noticing just how soft and sweet this rolled-out-of-bed look is on him, but she can’t really help it. 

He finally makes eye contact with her for the first time, and it steals her breath a little, how he can hold her stare, unblinking as he seems to _drink_ her in. Rey’s standing with an empty crate that used to hold Tabasco as she stares back, finally pulled from her daze when Maz announces over the mic that the food is ready and the doors can be opened. 

Rey’s eyes fall to the floor as she walks back up to the front of the dining hall. She stands beside her cabin as the rest of the camp trickles in, all grabbing squirts of hand sanitizer on the way to their assigned tables. 

She’s about to start a chant to get the cabin pepped up and get the rest of the campers singing and dancing when she feels Ben at her shoulder. 

He’s so _tall_. She’ll never get over how ridiculously tall he is. She has to literally crane her neck to look him in the eye. It’s...unsettling.

But she does, nonetheless, and finds him staring at her with a little smirk tugging at his lips. 

“What?” she asks. 

“I heard you’re bridging this weekend.” 

Rey looks away from him, the smile on her face expanding as someone else in her cabin starts a dining hall chant.

After a moment, she tilts her head toward him and asks, “Yeah, what of it?” 

Ben shrugs beside her. “Nothing, I just—I oversee bridging every weekend. I thought it would be nice to—you know,” he stammers, “maybe hang out a little. While maintaining a great experience for our campers, of course.” 

Rey feels like her cheeks might actually be turning the color of the strawberries sitting at the fruit and salad bar. “Of course,” she agrees, biting her bottom lip. 

“We usually watch a movie and take the older kids out for a night swim. It’s a lot of fun. Maybe you could guard with me?”

He sounds so earnest, so hopeful that Rey’s heart seizes a little in her chest. When she replies, it’s wholehearted. 

“I’d like that.” 

The smile Ben gives her in response is nothing short of brilliant. 

****

Every week, four counselors volunteer to forgo their weekend break in favor of what’s referred to as _bridging,_ which is what happens when a lucky camper gets to stay for more than one consecutive week, and their parents don’t take them home in between. Despite the obscene price for a week at camp, there typically fifteen or twenty kids bridging every weekend. 

Staying as a counselor is a good way to make a little extra cash during the summer, and according to the returners, it’s also a nice way to get laundry done without the whole staff around hogging up the dryers. 

Rey and Kaydel decide to volunteer after week six, along with Doph and Snap. 

Finn had tried to guilt her into galavanting around a theme park in San Antonio with him and Rose, but Rey knew that Poe and Hux were also going, so told him she’d rather make an extra hundred bucks than be a fifth wheel all weekend—even if she _did_ like the sound of roller coasters and funnel cakes.

He didn’t argue much after that. Didn’t have much ground to stand on, really, considering Rey had walked in on him and Rose making out in the staff lounge only two nights ago. When he’d caught up to her the next morning on the way to the dining hall, he looked like the cat that ate the bloody canary. Rey had to refrain from punching him in the arm as she narrowed her eyes. 

“You _better_ be nice to her, Finn,” she'd growled. 

Finn had tilted his head, looking a little shocked at her words. “I’m always nice!” 

Rey tutted. “Tell that to sweet Lisa Rooney back home. Poor thing’s probably _still_ got that picture of you taped to her rearview.” 

“Look, it’s not _my_ fault that we wanted different things. She wanted to get like... _married_. And I wanted—”

“To get laid.” 

Finn scoffed. “You wound me, Johnson.” 

She turned to him, face going a little serious. “We still have two weeks left, you know. Things could get royally awkward if you try to one-and-done her while still having to see her every day.”

“It’s not like that.” He'd turned serious, too. “I like her, Rey. I really like her.” 

Rey had considered him. She’s known Finn her whole life; she is well aware of all of his antics, his decorated history of casual encounters. She also knows him well enough to know that right then--as he looked at her with something like hope in his eyes--he was being sincere. 

She was happy for him, truly, and she tells him as much. After all, all he could talk about in the months leading up to this summer was how excited he was to _finally_ meet his 'American soulmate'. 

Rey hopes that’s Rose for him. She likes her too, after all. 

Now, with the whole staff gone and the evening sun high in the sky, the only sound to be heard in the camp is a game of Knockout going on at the basketball hoop that sits in front of Davis Hall. Rey’s tapping her foot, impatiently waiting for the game to end so she can get back in. Some kid in the oldest boy cabin had gotten her out during her first shot, and she had to repress the urge to call him a wanker for sending her ball flying halfway to the river. 

Yes, she _knows_ that’s how you play the game. 

Yes, she _knows_ that’s why it’s literally called Knockout. 

Doesn’t make her huff and puff any less, though. 

Snap wins the round and then the full line forms again quickly. Rey’s standing near the back, but her eyes are so peeled on the game ahead that she doesn’t even notice Ben sneak into the back of the line. (Honestly, if she had, she probably would have called him out for having an unfair advantage. He could probably touch the rim without even really trying.) 

She doesn’t notice him until after her first shot, and her jaw drops a little when she watches him sink his first one with ease. 

When he saunters to the back of the line, he _winks_ at her.

And then of course, because Rey is Rey and her luck has been shit since the day she was born, the people separating the two of them are easily knocked out by him, and soon enough, he’s right behind her. They’re moving up toward the front slowly as a couple of the younger kids struggle to make a shot, and Rey can feel Ben’s breath on her neck as he pants. 

Rey finally gets the ball, and she’s in the middle of dribbling to prepare to knock out one of the girls from Cabin 10 when Ben leans forward and says, “I’ll go easy on you, if you want.” 

She peeks at him over her shoulder. “Nah,” she says confidently. “Give me all you got.” 

The look on his face is totally worth the butterflies in Rey’s stomach. She doesn’t know what it is about him that brings out this side of her—this playful, self-assured person, but she _does_ know that she likes it. Likes how easy it is to just feel like herself.

The girl in front of Rey finally makes it, and passes the ball to Ben as she runs to the back of the line. 

“You asked for it, sweetheart,” Ben replies, a smirk on his lips. 

He sinks a shot before she even has the chance to get her ball in the air. 

Rey stands there, dumbfounded, mouth completely agape. When she turns around to look at him, his smirk has turned into a full-blown grin. 

Ben throws his hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, I offered to take it easy.” 

Rey levels him with a glare as she passes her ball to the person behind Ben. 

He laughs as she stomps off to the side of the court, where everyone else that’s gotten out is standing. He _laughs._

“Oh can it, you.” Rey hisses at him over her shoulder. 

When the game’s finally over, Ben’s got one of the basketballs in one of his hands—yes, _one_ of his hands is holding the ball, face down. Like he’s actually gripping it, because his hands are... _that_ big. Rey gulps as he makes his way over to her, a few sweat stains dotting his heather grey t-shirt.

“I got the projector set up. Figured we’d head up for dinner and then put on _Toy Story_ or something else G-rated that everyone can agree on.” 

Rey’s got her arms folded over her chest, still pouting a little. 

“Oh, come on, don’t be like that,” he says with a grin still splitting his face in half, tossing the basketball into a bin full of soccer balls and volleyballs. Ben grabs his water bottle and starts to make his way toward the dining hall, gesturing for her to follow along. “I’ll ask Maz to make you a brownie-in-a-mug.” 

Rey stands there for a second, trying to resist at least a tiny bit, but failing miserably after only a few seconds. She stomps his way and he chuckles, shaking his head as they start up the stairs. 

  
  


****

Maz whips up a large batch of meatballs in a thick, flavorful gravy that are supposed to sit atop a pile of yellow egg noodles. Rey watches as she ladles everything onto the serving plates that they’ll pass around to each other, her mouth watering. There’s few enough of them that they only take up two tables, and they’ve got them stacked against each other so they can all sit together.

Everyone stares at the food with wide, hungry eyes, chattering idly among themselves when a loud, booming voice sounds from the opposite end of the table. Rey, who strategically placed herself a reasonable distance from Ben as to not be inclined to _flirt_ with him incessantly in front of a bunch of campers, now stares at him as he cups his hands over his mouth to make his loud voice even _louder_. He’s standing up, too, and the rest of the table is following suit. 

It’s not abnormal; they say grace before every meal, but in Rey’s six weeks at camp, she’s never once seen Ben take the lead on it. 

With his hands still at his mouth and his ridiculously large body at full height, he takes a deep breath and sings, “ _Ohhhhhhhhhhh…”_

The rest of the table, including Rey, join in. “ _Ohhhhhhhhh…_ ” 

Ben keeps going, his lung capacity apparently as big as the rest of him.

Finally, he begins the song. The table sings in unison with him, this particular song a well-known favorite at camp. 

“ _Ohhhh, the lord is good to me._ ”

Clap clap.

“ _And so I thank the lord,_ ” 

Clap clap.

“ _For giving me the things I need, the sun and the rain and the appleseed._ ”

Ben’s motions as he holds up his hands in a circle to mimic the sun, then drags his fingers downward to look like rain, and then mimes like he’s planting seeds in a garden, are all exaggerated and adorable in every sense of the word. Rey can’t help but stare at him as her own hands do the movements. 

“ _The lord is good to me._ ”

Clap clap.

“ _Amen._ ” 

Clap clap.

“ _Amen._ ” 

Clap clap. 

“ _Amen, amen, amen,_ ” and then, he raises his arms up, his voice growing even louder as they finish the song. “ _Aaaaaaaaaaaaamen_.” 

And then one more clap, for good measure. 

The kids are all giggling as Ben dramatically sinks back down onto his stool at the head of the table. Rey wonders if he’s like this every weekend—perhaps with such a small group, it’s easier for him to loosen up, to show off that ridiculously cute and crooked grin. 

In any case, her smile is just as big as all the kids’, and when she finally risks a glance in his direction, the easy, relaxed one that sits on his lips as he stares out at the table is so soft and genuine that Rey’s heart flutters in her chest.

  
  


****

  
  


After dinner, all of the campers are escorted across the bridge by the counselors so they can grab bedding from their cabins. They haul back their pillows and comforters to Davis Hall as Rey, Kaydel, Snap and Doph follow close behind with their mattresses. 

They land on _Toy Story_ after not much of a fight, and Rey’s helping the girls make up their beds as Ben slips the DVD into the player sitting below the projector. 

Once everyone is tucked in, he passes out little bags of popcorn and chocolate covered raisins before pressing play and walking across the big room to shut out the lights. 

The sun is still out, but with the curtains drawn in front of the glass doors, it’s almost pitch black. 

The counselors are sitting strategically in a circle around the group; Rey’s settled down in the back, watching everyone from behind, while Kay sits off to her right, and then Doph in the front middle, and then Snap on the left.

Ben walks up to where she’s fashioned her comforter and mattress pad into a large palette, along with the two fluffy pillows she bought at the Wal-Mart in Monroe. He stands there for a second, looking sheepish. 

Rey almost snorts. “There’s room here, if that’s what you’re wondering.” 

He smiles and plops down beside her, tossing a bag of popcorn her direction.

They munch on the snacks and drink Capri Suns as Buzz Lightyear gets introduced to the rest of the toys, giggling along with the kids when Woody pokes Buzz’s helmet and tells him he can’t fly. 

The snacks are gone after a while, the aluminum juice packets abandoned next to them as well, and soon, Ben and Rey are laying shoulder to shoulder on top of her palette. 

They’re situated far enough behind everyone that with the movie going, no one has any reason to look behind them, and even if they did, it’s dark enough in Davis Hall that they wouldn’t be able to see the way their hands have moved significantly closer together within the past fifteen minutes as they’ve sunk further and further into their respective pillows. 

So when Ben’s pinky brushes Rey’s and she inhales sharply, they’re at just the right distance that it doesn’t call attention. A little in shock, she turns to look at him to find him watching her, his face tinted blue in the movie’s light. 

Ben smiles at her softly, and then leans forward until his mouth is right at her ear. 

“You ready to go to the pool?” he whispers, his breath hot against her. 

Rey stares for a second, trying to conceal the fact that she’s breathing a little harder with his proximity. 

“Yeah, sure,” she says after a beat, more than a little breathless. 

  
  


****

  
  


They take the older kids and Doph with them to the pool while Kay and Snap stay behind with the younger group.

The pool is lit up but the deck surrounding it is dark, and all of the campers are excited and giggling as they trek across the field in their swimsuits.

It’s a beautiful, clear night; the cicadas are hissing in tandem with the crickets and it smells pleasantly like rain. It’s cooler than normal, and Rey’s got her arms wrapped around her chest as she walks. Ben’s already at the pool supply closet pulling out tubes for them. He’s facing away from everyone, so he can’t see as Rey eyes him up and down, admiring every square inch of his impeccable physique.

The man eats like a bodybuilder and runs like an Olympian; it shouldn’t surprise her that he’s ripped. And to be fair, Rey’s _seen_ him shirtless many times, but this time, as she admires him from afar in the moonlight, it feels different. Her face is heating up in a way that she’s come to associate with him, and her palms are starting to sweat.

It surprises her, how nervous she feels approaching the pool, because it feels like something between them has shifted in the past week. Ben’s eyes have started to bleed from soft and endearing to intense and burning whenever he looks at her.

And God, does he _look_ at her. 

She’d caught him staring a couple of times in the dining hall after they talked about her bridging. It’s like the man doesn’t need to blink like normal people; she swears that he could win any staring contest he ever entered, but it _does_ something to her, the intensity of it. 

Rey can never tell quite what he’s thinking, but with _that_ look in his eyes, she can tell he’s thinking about _a lot._ It makes the tips of her ears warm and her throat go a little dry. 

So now, as they reach the deck, she takes this moment to enjoy staring at _him_ for a change. Doph stays behind with the kids while Rey enters the iron gate that surrounds the pool. Ben finally turns around, and she notices right away that his hair is already wet, dripping from the ends onto his pale shoulders. 

“You started without me?” she asks, feigning offense. 

“Sorry,” Ben laughs. “I needed to cool down.” 

He walks to meet her halfway and hands her a tube, situating his own on his chest before walking to the other side of the pool. 

For the next hour, they stand and watch as the teens hang out, have breath-holding contests, do underwater backflips and play The Color Game. 

Doph’s right in the middle of it all, racing a couple of the older boys and splashing them when he comes in last. Rey and Ben both watch and laugh as they start a game of Marco Polo and Doph is predictably terrible at it. 

They wrap up at half-past ten and everyone is climbing out of the pool to go grab their towels when Ben and Rey find each other’s eyes. The pool is cleared out and they stand there, unmoving for a few moments. 

“A few of these guys really have to pee,” Doph says, snapping them both out of it as he pokes his head through the gate, a towel hanging around his shoulders. “I’ll take them up. See you guys up there.” 

“Thanks, Doph,” Ben shouts before stepping off the ledge of the pool. 

Rey’s cheeks are still a little hot from the prolonged staring as the kids start to trickle out toward Davis Hall. Before she lets herself think better of it, Rey does a cannonball into the pool, relishing immediately in the feeling of the cold water against her overheated skin. 

She swims underwater toward the deep end, opening her eyes and seeing nothing ahead of her but the lap lines that decorate the bottom of the pool. 

She stays under for as long as she can, her ears starting to ring a little as she goes deeper. Eventually, she reaches the bottom and pushes off, blowing air through her nose as she bolts back up to the surface. Rey’s near the ledge when she emerges, and she takes a few seconds to catch her breath and then swims to where she can stand. 

The evening air is cooler now as the little droplets of water on her shoulders start to dry. She hangs onto the ledge for a few seconds, facing forward until she hears and feels a large splash behind her. 

He recovers quickly, and before Rey even has the chance to turn around to look at him, he’s at her back. Ben’s hands appear next to hers on the ledge as he cages her in, his face near the crook of her shoulder as he hovers behind her, not quite touching her. 

Rey feels like she could scream. It feels like the pool has turned into a hot tub, boiling and scalding her as his warm breath hits her neck. She resists the urge to let her head fall back onto his awaiting shoulder. It would probably be so _solid_ , the perfect landing place. 

Ben’s mouth hovers near her ear, then. When his lips brush the lobe, she can’t help but shiver. 

“Tell me to stop,” he breathes. 

Rey’s eyes slide closed. He's even closer now.

“Tell me to stop, Rey.” 

His voice is hushed and wrecked and it sends a shooting pang of arousal down her center. The anticipation is killing her, making her cunt throb as he inches closer and closer, the heat of his chest radiating onto her bare back. 

“Please don’t,” Rey whispers back, and then Ben’s wrapping his arms around her middle and leaning down to press hot, open-mouthed kisses to her neck. 

Rey sighs, leaning her head back onto his shoulder to give him better access. Her eyes screw tightly when Ben grazes her skin with his teeth. 

“You’re unbelievable,” he mutters as one of his hands slides back down to grab her ass. He squeezes lightly and Rey hisses, immediately pushing it back into his hand so he’ll do it again. 

“ _Rey_ ,” Ben breathes, and grips her tighter as he nips at her jawline. “Can I kiss you?”

She sinks further into him and sighs at the thought, relishing in the way her skin slides against his. 

Ben gently turns her around then, backing them all the way up until the ledge is at her shoulder blades.

He doesn’t kiss her, though. He just looks at her. He gives her _that_ look. Like he wants to swallow her whole. 

Rey wants to let him. 

“Please,” she whispers. 

Ben slides his hands into her hair so that he can cradle her head as he leans forward, pressing ghost-like kisses onto her eyes and long, breathy kisses against her cheekbones. Rey sighs at the contact. He drags his lips softly down her jawbone before moving up to kiss the corners of her mouth sweetly, before finally descending onto her lips. 

She should have known that a man with _that_ mouth would know how to kiss. 

She couldn’t have ever known that he would know how to kiss like _this_. 

Rey can’t think. There’s only feelings radiating in her brain and body, a pleasant throbbing in her gut and cunt alike as Ben kisses and kisses her, his tongue sliding against hers with a finesse that makes her toes curl against the chalky walls of the pool. He sucks on the tip of her tongue and she moans into his mouth. Ben presses further into her in response, and when he grinds his fully hard cock against the crotch of her one-piece, Rey’s eyes nearly roll to the back of her head. 

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Ben says against her mouth. 

Rey’s panting as he nips at her bottom lip and caresses her cheekbones, kissing her like a man possessed. She nods frantically at the sound of his voice. 

“Me, too.” 

He pulls back a little, and Rey can’t help the way she follows after him, not wanting his lips to be off of hers for even a second. 

“Really?” he asks, incredulous. 

Rey can’t help the little laugh that escapes her throat. “Yes, Ben. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very long time. Even after you threatened to fire me. Twice.” 

Ben’s face transforms into something more intense, the playful air of the evening vanishing instantly.

He presses their foreheads together then, both of his hands on her cheeks. 

“I was an idiot,” he tells her, a little shakily. “I’m so sorry for how I treated you. I—I hate that I was like that. That I wasted so much t—you didn’t deserve it, Rey. You’re—”

Rey cuts him off by pressing up on her toes to wrap her arms around his neck. Ben pulls back to look at her for a second, his words caught in this throat, and then he reaches down to lift her up in the water, pushing her ass up so she can wrap her legs around his waist.

Like this, she can feel every inch of him against her hot center. It’s absolute torture. 

“I’m what, Ben?” Rey asks, staring at him through hooded, heavy eyes. 

He’s close to her face now, their fronts flush against each other. He glances down to her mouth before finding her eyes again. 

“You’re _everything_.”

And then he’s back on her, pressing her against the ledge as his mouth slots over hers, and soon, all Rey can see are stars. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Camp references:
> 
> [Knockout](https://jr.nba.com/video/how-to-play-knockout-2/)  
>    
> [Johnny Appleseed (the grace Ben sings at dinner)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAHhSZkg2BM) < this isn't exactly how we did it, but I can't find a video that matches our style completely. This is close though! 
> 
> [The Color Game](https://itstillworks.com/12114799/how-to-play-pool-colors)
> 
> \------
> 
> I just started a new multi-chapter! It's a modern growing up together AU that's going to be a little bit of a fusion between The Notebook, My Best Friend's Wedding, Love, Rosie and Sweet Home Alabama. I'm super excited about it, and I'd love to know what you think about it so far!
> 
> Check it out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426169/chapters/58931485).


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Endless thanks to Heidi, Sam and Felicia for the beta. This chapter was not an easy thing and they all helped immensely. <3

Kissing Rey is magic. 

It’s all he thinks about the rest of the weekend; the little moans that dripped from her lips like honey, the way she wrapped her strong, lean legs around his body. 

It had been hard for him to pull away, and frankly, he probably wouldn’t have had he not heard the creaking of the front gate signaling that his mother and uncle had returned from town. 

They walked shoulder-to-shoulder back to Davis Hall, a goofy, toothy smile on Ben’s face the whole way. When he’d peeked at Rey with a sidelong glance, he caught her looking at him, too. 

The second-to-last week of camp begins that Sunday. Maz serves her usual spaghetti, meatballs, breadsticks and green beans, and everyone’s scarfing down the food in the dining hall, which is lit solely by the slow-setting sun shining through its large windows. 

Ben is doing his _absolute_ best at not staring at the way it streaks Rey’s chestnut hair. 

It’s a herculean effort, really. She’s only one table away from the senior staff this week, with Hux as her tablemate, and the deep, hunter green polos they wear on opening day is doing wonders for bringing out the jade flecks in her eyes. 

When he catches _her_ looking at _him_ a couple of times over her forkfuls of spaghetti, the corners of her mouth tug into a tiny smile each time. 

It makes him almost feel giddy; this new, bright and warm thing that’s bloomed between them.

It makes him almost feel like coming back to Skywalker Ranch this summer was the right decision.

And then Luke takes his turn onstage at campfire that night. 

It’s not abnormal for him to sing a song for the new campers. In fact, it’d be strange if he didn’t. His graying beard and his maroon-red guitar all add up to a picturesque camp director as he sits on his beloved stool at center stage. He strums a few lazy chords with a playful, knowing smirk on his lips. 

And then he starts playing the first few notes, and Ben’s ears and cheeks feel like they’ve been dunked in boiling water. His skin seems to tighten; his mouth goes dry and his first instinct is to _bolt._

Because this song—he hasn’t heard it since he was eighteen years-old, sitting at this very campfire with knobby knees and an unmarred heart. 

It’s the same one that he used to sing at the top of his lungs, shoulder-to-shoulder with campers every Sunday while his dad strummed away on the guitar. 

Luke gets about four words into the first verse before Ben is on his feet, walking hurriedly away from the horseshoe shaped stone structure where everyone sits, facing the stage. 

He doesn’t realize until he’s safe within the confines of his office that he’s started crying.

It’s just that that song, it’s history, isn’t something he ever lets himself think about. Time and thousands of dollars worth of therapy tell him that his denial wasn’t getting him anywhere good, but Ben is nothing if not stubborn.

He is his father’s son, through and through. 

Eventually, Luke finds him. He hovers in the door frame hesitantly, and the rage that crosses through Ben’s body when he sees uncle must be written all over his face, because Luke immediately sets down his guitar and holds his hands out in surrender. 

“Kid, I’m sorry—I didn’t realize that it would hurt you like that, I—”

Ben’s fists slam down onto his desk harder than he expects them to. He’s shaking a little, too, neck-deep in the thralls of memories he’s spent years repressing. 

It seems fitting that Luke would be the one to pull them to the surface. He’s been second-guessing Ben from the second he set foot back on Skywalker Ranch. Most of the time, he won’t even look at him. 

“I told my mother that I didn’t want to hear that song,” Ben bites out. “She crosses it off the roster every Sunday. And you—” Ben heaves a breath, his shoulders sinking slightly. “You did it anyway. You must really hate me, huh?” 

Luke’s still. His face is unmoved as he seems to consider Ben, the silence hanging between them thick and heavy. 

“No, I don’t _hate_ you, Ben. I could never hate you.”

“You could’ve fooled me,” Ben sniffs, shaking his head slightly. The sound of the rumbling AC in Davis Hall is the only noise in the room for a long moment.

Eventually, Ben sighs, biting the inside of his cheek. 

“I can’t take it back, Luke. I can’t bring him back and do it right this time.” 

His uncle stares relentlessly at him, his face still somewhat impassive. 

“You’re right,” is all he says back. 

Ben shakes his head. “You’re unbelievable, do you know that? _You’re_ the reason why we hadn’t talked in years in the first place, and you want to judge _my_ choices.” 

At that, _finally_ , Luke’s face morphs into anger, his nostrils flaring. 

“I’m not gonna let you do this, Ben. I’m not going to let you relieve yourself of all responsibility because you’re still pissed off about something that happened ten years ago—that I apologized for, many times.” 

“You ruined everything! All of it!” 

The volume in Ben’s voice seems to surprise them both. 

Luke’s breathing heavily, his lips forming a tight line. They stare each other down for a long minute, and then Luke’s eyes narrow at him.

“Maybe I did. But I was also the one that stayed. That was with him right until the end. I wasn’t the one who was too much of a coward to face him when it mattered,” he states, his eyebrows shooting up. “That was _you_ , kid.” 

Tears start to well in Ben’s eyes then, and he can’t honestly tell if it’s because of his hot, bellowing anger, or if the sadness that sets in when he talks about his dad. 

Particularly, his dad dying without knowing that Ben didn’t hate him—without knowing how much he loved him. How much he always loved him. 

“Please leave,” Ben pleads, and his voice is much softer now, more broken.

Luke scoffs, shaking his head. “Shutting down as soon as things get hard. You haven’t changed a bit.” 

And then he’s walking away, reaching behind him to shut Ben’s office door shut without gentleness. 

Ben is still, clenching and unclenching his jaw as he tries to breathe through his nose. 

_This_ is why he doesn’t do this—why he doesn’t talk or think about his dad, or his past, or his uncle, for that matter. Exposing the complicated, messy wounds that are shared between their whole family, only remind Ben of how much it all _hurt_.

It's the kind of hurt that you had to walk away from if you wanted to survive.

The kind you tucked away and buried deep, so far down that even _you_ might not be able to find it. 

That fucking song had unearthed it, and that same ugly, unending hurt was Luke’s fault now, just as much as it was back then. 

As Ben lays in bed that night, the lumpy mattress molding uncomfortably against every knot in his back, he’s thankful in every sense of the word that there are only two weeks left of summer. The only saving grace, the only light in the darkness that he can see, is the fact that he’s meeting Rey in the morning. 

He lets thoughts of her wash over him freely, doesn’t hold back from thinking about the hazel of her eyes and the softness of her skin. He thinks about the sounds she made in her throat as he kissed her, and he decides that maybe the next two weeks will be worth it, if it means he gets to do that again. 

_Anything_ would be worth doing that again. 

****

When Ben meets Rey before dawn, there’s worry all over her tan, freckled face. It makes his heart clench pleasantly, a nice contrast to the hurt that has coated it all night. He hadn’t seen her again after he bolted out of campfire the night before. 

Her brows are wrinkled together, illuminated fully as Ben approaches with his headlamp on. “Are you alright?” she asks, her arms folded tightly over her chest. 

It’s a cooler morning, one with less humidity hanging in the air, and Ben feels the bite on his bare arms and legs as he closes in on her. 

He just nods, a little taken already by how much his whole body seems to slightly relax as his proximity to Rey increases. 

“Are you sure?” she presses, leaning into him a little. She smells like citrus and firewood, and Ben has to resist the urge not to close his eyes and breathe her in, deep and long through his nostrils. 

Instead, he places both of his hands softly on either side of her face and smiles slowly at her. “I’m okay. I promise.” 

Rey doesn’t look entirely convinced, but she doesn’t keep trying, either. When she leans into his left hand, Ben’s little smile turns easily into a grin. 

They set off on their warm up lap, but this time it’s in the direction of Mount Vaughn, where they plan to find a clearing where they can construct their own Pendant Point for Rey’s ceremony. Ben leads the way, his headlamp lighting their path in the thick darkness. 

He’d told her during their last session—which occurred _before_ the pool incident—that he thought she was as ready as she'd ever be to get her Bronze. 

He’d meant it, too; together, they’d worked out a list of solid, realistic goals for Rey to complete over the next year. Some were more vigorous than others; some got her excited (dog fostering), while others made her groan (take a full course load this semester), but they were all fully within her reach. 

They’re both a little out of breath by the time they’re midway up the hill, and Ben starts to lead them off the beaten path. He used to know this hill like the back of his hand, and for the most part, he remembers its winds and curves and pockets. There’s a bright, unshaded clearing near Fort Maxwell, a structure created by the first group of Skywalker campers back in the twenties. It’s nothing much to look at anymore, just a big boulder with a random rod of iron sticking out from the middle, but it helps Ben remember exactly where to go to find the clearing. He takes a right at the rock, walking toward the backside of the hill, Rey only a few steps behind him. 

When they finally reach their destination, Rey blows out a breath and places her hands on her hips. 

“Quite a hike, that is.” 

Ben smirks. “You tired?” 

She rolls her eyes, but her dimples deepen as she smiles. “Shut it, you.” 

Rey looks out into the open area, observing the overgrown grass that surrounds a somewhat clear space, complete with chalky looking rocks and old ant piles. “Is this our spot?”

Ben follows her gaze and nods. “This is our spot.” 

Rey’s eyebrows bounce, a little, almost mischievous smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “Well, what’re we waiting for then?” 

Ben chuckles, reaching into his backpack to grab the two sets of well-worn work gloves he brought, tossing one to Rey before pulling on his own. 

The sun kisses the horizon just enough by the time they’re ready to start that Ben can shut his light off, and he instructs Rey to gather as many large, flat-ish rocks that she can find and carry them to the center of the clearing. Most of them, she lifts herself, hauling them over and dropping them onto the ground with a grunt, but she occasionally needs Ben’s help with the heavier ones. 

By the time they’re done, the sun is bright and the birds are starting to sing, but the world still sleeps. It’s quiet enough that the moment still feels like _theirs_ , and in this new place, constructed by their hands and sweat, it’s a comfort unlike anything Ben’s ever known. 

They stand, side-by-side, admiring their handiwork. The rocks have been carefully placed in three concentric circles, which represent the types of commitment to the Pendants. During the ceremony, they’ll walk around each circle, only stepping inward once Rey verbally commits to each of her goals. And then once they get to the innermost circle, that’s when she’ll kneel, and Ben will tie her Pendant, all the while giving her kind, encouraging words that are meant to solidify the start of her journey. 

When he’d tried to start writing down his speech a few nights ago, he nearly crushed his ballpoint pen in his fist. Putting into words just how impressive and incredible Rey Johnson is to him—to the world—felt like an impossible feat. 

But he’d do it. He would.

For her. 

Rey sighs then, holding a hand over her eyes to shield them from the rising sun. The heat is starting to seep past the coolness of the morning, and she's already removed her hoodie and tied it around her waist, leaving her arms and shoulders bare in a turquoise tank top that hugs every line of her torso perfectly. She takes off her chalk-dusted gloves and tosses them near the rest of their belongings and Ben follows suit, wondering all the while if they’re the only reason why his palms are sweaty. 

When she turns back to look at him, a million questions written all over her gorgeous face, Ben doesn’t think. He just reaches his hand out for her, hoping against all hope that she’ll take it, and feeling his heart flutter in his chest when she does. 

He pulls her into his chest, one hand going to her cheek as he presses his lips softly against hers. Ben’s eyes slide shut as she sighs into the kiss, and he wraps his arm around her waist, his grip on her tightening as she opens for him, letting his tongue roll against hers easily. It’s intoxicating to every single one of his senses. In this moment, in the early morning air, with the stickiness of manual labor coating their skin, Rey is all he knows. She’s all he ever wants to know. 

Tomorrow, he’ll blame it on the color of her tank top bringing out the bronze of her skin. Or maybe the sun, for sprinkling more freckles onto her cheeks, seemingly right before his eyes. 

But right now, he doesn’t question or second-guess himself as he backs Rey into a tall, solid tree not five feet away. Gently, she leans against it, her arms wrapping around his neck as she moans into his mouth, and he hopes that she doesn’t notice how hard he is already, just from kissing her.

But then Rey pushes her hips against his, grinding against his ever-stiffening dick, and Ben has to break away from her mouth to let out a stilted moan. 

When he opens his eyes, he finds hers, wide and vulnerable, staring back at him. 

Ben watches with awe as Rey’s breath hitches in her throat.

“I want you to touch me,” she says plainly, and it’s his turn to stop breathing. 

He doesn’t have to be told twice. Rey sighs when Ben leans forward to press his tongue into her neck, marking a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses across her skin. The wonderful sound is followed by a long, throaty moan, and Ben feels his cock twitch again, now fully hard and pressing against his joggers. 

It’s Rey that pulls down her athletic shorts then, letting them rest just above her knees and revealing herself to be wearing nothing underneath. 

Ben stares, dumbstruck for a moment, at her form, bared beneath him and as beautiful as the rising sun. Everything about her makes his entire body ache with want. 

He finds her eyes again, and she looks heady, a little dazed, even. He can only imagine that he must look the same. He can’t see _anything_ except her. 

“Are you sure?” he asks throatily, his breaths uneven. 

Her responding nod is emphatic. Impatient. It makes him want to sink balls deep inside of her right then and there. 

Ben lifts her shirt, then, tugging it gently over her head and revealing a baby pink cotton sports bra, one that holds her perfect, perky tits in place, and he has to breathe deeply through his nose to avoid coming on the spot. 

He grabs onto the straps and pulls them down, his face full of concentration as his eyes scan every inch of her. When he gets them down far enough that her breasts are exposed, he can’t help but pause to just stare for a second. Rey smiles and reaches for the back of his neck. 

Ben complies easily, leaning down and sucking one of her hard nipples into his mouth. With one hand, he kneads the other pert mound, caressing it and teasing it with his overly-clumsy fingers, praying silently that he’s doing alright.

Because it’s not that he’s a virgin or anything, but he’s also never been necessarily interested in his sexual partners outside of just _sex_. He had a few ongoing friends-with-benefits type deals back in New York with girls that never seemed to care about his personality or his life or the things he was interested in, which he all chalked up to being just generally unlikeable. 

And truthfully, that was fine with him. He got what he needed from it. 

At least, what he _thought_ he needed. 

Now, standing before Rey, with his free hand trailing down her torso and cupping her mound, feeling the coarse, curly hair there against his fingers, he thinks that he had no fucking idea what it was that he _needed._

Because this feels unlike _anything_ he’s ever experienced, and when he presses a finger softly between her folds, moving to hover just outside of her entrance, what he feels nearly makes his knees buckle. He hears Rey’s broken gasp and he bites his bottom so hard that he tastes blood. 

Ben groans into her neck. “Oh my god, Rey,” he breathes. “You’re so fucking wet.” 

He pushes his index finger slowly inside until it hits his knuckle and then slowly pulls out, and then adds a second finger when he pushes back in. 

“For you,” Rey tells him, followed by a rough, uneven, “ _F_ _uck_.” 

Ben’s hips grind into hers involuntarily, and he looks at her then, studying her face and the way it twists with pleasure. He wants it to burn into his memory forever.

“Does that feel good, sweetheart?” he asks as he pumps his fingers into her, each thrust going in further than the last. 

She nods, biting down hard on her own bottom lip as her eyes screw shut even tighter. 

When he adds a third finger, he starts using his thumb for slow, loving strokes across her clit, and he watches in awe as her eyes roll back. She looks absolutely gone, and he’s never been so close to coming—his dick still untouched in his pants—in his goddamn life. 

“Oh my god, _please_ ,” Rey whimpers, and he can’t help it anymore. He starts to rut into her with earnest, pressing his hard, swollen cock against her hip bone. It feels unreal—the friction of it making his head spin. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful," he chokes out, "I want to fuck you so bad.” He leans forward eagerly to press a quick, wet kiss to her lips. “Come for me, Rey—I want to feel you grip my fingers.” 

She nods, and then Ben’s kissing her again, slow and deep and hot, and he can feel her go tighter around him. He’s nearly at the end of his rope; his thumb’s swipes against her clit become more deliberate then, his own movements starting to stutter.

Thank God for Ben’s quick reflexes in slapping a hand over her mouth, because the moan that Rey lets out when she comes is almost inhuman. She gasps for air, biting down hard on his palm, and he can feel the harsh, rapid breath escaping her nostrils as he slams his hips against hers, chasing his own release. 

Rey’s legs start to shake, and when he feels her nails dig into his shoulders, he loses it, coughing out a loud, broken groan against her neck as a pleasure unlike any he’s ever known forms at the base of his spine and blooms wildly throughout his entire body. It spreads out to his fingertips and down to his toes as he comes harder than he ever has in his fucking life, a wet patch forming on his joggers as he pants hotly against her skin. 

Rey holds him tight through it all, and they both just breathe for a moment, coming down from the unfathomable high. Eventually, Rey leans back to look at him, heavy-lidded as she sags between him and the tree.

She's got a little smile at the corner of her lips as she looks at him. Ben leans forward and kisses it.

They stand there for a few moments, stock-still, studying each other. 

Rey speaks first. “I’ll be gone this weekend—Paige and Rose are having an end of summer thing at their house. But once camp is over, I, um—”

She trails off, looking away from him and seeming suddenly shy. It makes his heart do a little flip. When he reaches out to tuck a curl behind her ear, she faces him again, brave once more.

“I have two weeks before I go back to England.”

Post-camp isn’t something they’ve talked about, mostly because Ben is still pinching himself regularly, not wholly convinced even now that Rey is into him. Even with his fingers coated in her come, he’s sure that this is some kind of beautiful, perfect fever dream.

Because he doesn’t get this lucky. Ever.

He clears his throat. “Oh?”

She looks nervous again, and Ben wants to lean forward and kiss it away, to trail loving, gentle presses of his lips against every inch of her face so she knows that he would take two _seconds_ with her if that’s what she wanted to give him.

Rey nods, biting her lip. “I thought—maybe, if you wanted, I could stay here. With you.”

Surely, this cannot be real.

There’s no way in hell.

When she doesn’t disappear into thin air, or rebuke her offer, and when he doesn’t wake up, he decides quickly that even if this _is_ some dream, it’s better that he take advantage of it.

Ben reaches down to lift her into his arms, hoisting her up so her legs wrap around his middle. He loves the way she feels like this, especially now, without the help of the water to keep her up. Their faces are close together when he smiles at her, his grin splitting his face as he leans forward and kisses her, slow and heavy. 

When he pulls back, they’re both slightly breathless. 

“I would love that, sweetheart,” he breathes against her mouth. “I would love nothing more.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout to the best betas in the world! 
> 
> Special shout out to Heidi for helping me formulate the last bit. You're amazing, always. <3

The week goes by quickly after Ben and Rey’s escapade on Mount Vaughn. 

They held hands the entire way down—which was lovely in more ways that one for Rey, who nearly slid down the hill on her bottom when she hit a slippery patch of rocks. Ben caught her and steadied her, pressing a small kiss to her temple once she was fully vertical again. 

Little, private moments and shared looks are all they have for the rest of the week, and as much as Rey wants to hang out with the other counselors at Rose and Paige’s monstrous house on Lake Medina in San Antonio, she also can’t stop thinking about Ben kissing her again. 

And touching her. And holding her. 

It’s all she thinks about on Thursday at the dance, when he’s emceeing from the stage and playing the _most_ ridiculously cheesy music, grinning at her every time she groans when a new song comes on. He does figure out eventually that he should play at least _one_ slow song and let the little buds of summer romance blossom between the older kids, who he has explicitly instructed to stay at least a foot apart. 

Rey dances on her knees in a circle with a group of her campers—the youngest cabin this week—and they all sway together and sing along (poorly) with the song, which she recognizes from her own childhood _. No one_ her age in England didn’t know and love S Club 7. 

So when Ben plays _Never Had a Dream Come True_ and finds her eyes over the crowd as she rocks back and forth, she can’t help but break into a wide, genuinely giddy smile. She bites her lip after a few seconds to dial it back, knowing full well that if anyone saw the way they were looking at each other right now, they would be completely outed. 

It’s not that Rey would mind. In fact, it would be nice to not have to sneak around and steal little hand touches here and longing gazes there. But they haven’t talked about that yet, and so she’s kept a tight lid on it. She hasn’t even told Finn, which feels all kinds of wrong. 

She thinks that they may not have another chance to be alone before they all leave on Saturday, but gets pleasantly surprised when Ben pulls her aside after closing ceremony, spouting some excuse about looking over next week’s guard schedule in his office.

As soon as they’re within the four walls and he’s ensured the blinds are down and closed, he’s pushing Rey up against the closed door and slotting his mouth over hers. 

When he nips her bottom lip, Rey nearly cries out, but Ben swallows the sound with his mouth, his tongue colliding with hers as she pulls him in closer.

Ben finally breaks away after a few moments, panting against her neck. 

“ _God_ , I want you,” he rasps, his tongue trailing up to the spot behind her ear that makes Rey positively _gush_. 

They’re both going to have a problematic case of blue balls if they don’t stop now, and she knows that they can’t do much of anything right here in his office with the rest of the camp congregating in Davis Hall. 

Rey cradles his cheeks, pressing a soft peck to his lips. She looks up at him and hopes that he can see the wonder in her eyes, the pure adoration that she feels for him. 

“Soon,” she whispers, and then sighs when he dimples and leans back in. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


After that, Rey decides she’s got to tell Finn. 

He’s her best friend. Her best friend is entitled to know when she’s—

Well, when she’s feeling...very _seriously_ about someone. 

It seems absolutely insane, truly, that she’s even considering the possibility of something more than just a summer fling. She doesn’t know Ben’s life, doesn’t know what his plans are for after the summer. The variables all add up to what should be an uneasy, fleeting thing that she’ll forget about once she goes back home and starts school. 

But in her heart, in her _bones,_ Rey knows that’s not what’s happening here. 

What she does know is that Ben is making her reconsider everything she ever thought she knew about trust and friendship and love. He’s making her reconsider what it means to even _be_ home _._

So, she tells Finn, because he deserves to know. 

They’re in the last row of seats in Kaydel’s Expedition with Hux and Poe in front of them (cuddling in their sleep), and Kaydel and Rose are in the front, but the music is loud enough that Rey would basically have to yell if she wanted either of them to hear her. 

She figures it might be the only time they’ll be alone this weekend, so she clears her throat and swivels her body in the leather seat to face Finn.

He’s been playing some ridiculous Simpsons game on his phone for the past forty-five minutes, but when he notices her, he locks the screen, his face immediately growing concerned.

“Oh, _God_. What?” he asks, folding his arms over his chest. 

“It’s nothing bad. I promise.” 

Finn’s eyes go a little wide. “What did you do?” 

Obviously, they’ve been friends for _far_ too long. Rey rolls her eyes.

“I didn’t _do_ anything.” 

She stares at him for a second, feeling slightly stubborn and miffed at his reaction. 

Finn sighs, already tired. “Out with it.” 

Rey forces the nerves down and quiets the nagging voices in her head that tell her to keep this to herself. She _wants_ to tell someone. She needs someone else to know just how... _wonderful_ Ben is. 

And so, she takes a deep breath, blows it out through her nose, and straightens up a little. 

“I think I’m in love with Ben.” 

Finn’s jaw drops. 

After a few breaths, his mouth still completely agape, he blinks at her. 

“...Solo?” 

Rey nods. 

“What—” he stammers, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “When—how did _that_ happen?” 

She shrugs. “I don’t know how to explain it, really. He just—” 

“Is a bit of an arse, isn’t he?” 

Rey can’t help but smile. “Nah. He’s something else.” 

Finn looks positively dumbfounded. “In _love_ , Rey?” 

She finds his eyes again, and suddenly, inexplicably, feels brave. 

“Yeah. I think so.” 

Finn lets a long breath go. “Wow.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Have you guys like…kissed?” 

Rey nods. 

“Anything else?” 

She hesitates for a moment, and then nods again. 

“Well, hot damn, Johnson. Here I was thinking you were just playing it safe this summer.” 

Rey smiles, looking away from him. “Definitely not.” 

“Well, I’m happy for you. Solo is fucking ripped. What are you gonna do about the whole…” he gestures in a circle with his hand, “You living in England thing?” 

She lets out a long exhale. “We haven’t really gotten that far yet.” 

“Ah.” 

They sit in silence for a few moments, both processing in their own ways. Then, Rey turns to look at him again. The smile on her face stretches from ear-to-ear. She can’t contain it even if she tries.

  
“He’s amazing, Finn. There’s nothing I can say that would do him justice but…” she trails off, shaking her head in wonder. “He’s amazing.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Everything about their last hurrah as counselors is perfect. The lake, the food, the drinks, the company—it’s all fantastic and they’re all tipsy and telling each other how much they love each other and how they’ve all got to come back the next summer to do it all again. 

Mitaka and Kaydel are making out in the pool.

Phasma and Paige are sitting _very_ close to each other in the hot tub. 

Absolutely no one knows where Hux and Poe have run off to. 

Rey’s nearly done with her fourth beer. The smile on her face is genuinely giddy, and she feels positively, perfectly drunk. She waves to Finn and Rose who are playing a game of beer pong against a couple of the kitchen staffers, and then she decides it's probably a good idea to sit on one of the supremely comfortable outdoor couches that decorate the enormous deck when she feels herself start to sway. 

With her feet propped up and the beer sliding easily down her throat, Rey feels content. She’s never been more grateful to Camp Leaders for taking a chance on her—a foul-mouthed dropout with nothing to her name. Who she was before this seems so far away; a cynical, skeptical, lonely human that felt like she was constantly on the losing team. 

That person is exactly who the Pendants have made her realize she doesn’t want to be. Who Ben has made her realize she doesn’t want to be. Rey wants to instead be the person that she is at camp, always. The person that laughs freely and loudly and trusts without hesitation. The person that she’s let herself become after weeks of sessions with Ben, after careful, precise steps toward opening up and letting her heart feel something besides cold resentment. 

She sighs happily, laying her head back and closing her eyes to take it all in. 

After a few moments of welcomed quiet, the cheap burner phone Rey bought for her time in the states buzzes in her pocket. It’s nothing fancy, but it can receive text messages, and she feels the butterflies in her stomach when she sees the name attached. _Ben._

[ **Having fun?** ]

The words are only a _tiny_ bit blurry, and Rey can’t help the stupidly large grin that forms on her lips. She’s such a goner. She responds immediately, too excited to even attempt to play it cool.

[ **yes :) thank you for asking xx** ]

[ **I’m glad.** ]

A beat, and then another comes in. 

[ **I can’t stop thinking about you.** ]

Rey sighs, her eyes shutting for a moment. The way he makes her feel—missed, wanted, appreciated, it’s unlike anything she’s ever felt. She relishes in it for a few seconds before typing back. 

[ **ditto** ] 

[ **Yeah?** ] 

[ **haven’t stopped since I left camp** ]

He doesn’t respond right away, so Rey leans back again, staring up at the stars, almost as visible here as they are at camp. They twinkle and seem to bounce, buzzing just like she is. 

From where she’s sitting, she’s just close enough to the kitchen that she can hear the conversation going on through the large, open windows. 

“Honestly, I’m not surprised he isn’t here. Even if he wasn’t _director_ , or whatever. Dude can’t be around alcohol.” 

Rey’s ears perk up. She recognizes Snap’s voice. 

“Really?” she hears Hux ask, absently wondering when he and Poe decided to come out of hiding. 

“Yeah, it’s a whole thing,” Poe responds. 

Rey tries to remain discreet, but her heart is starting to thump a little harder in her chest as she listens, knowing they can only be talking about one person. There’s only _one_ director, after all.

“He’s an alcoholic?” Hux asks innocently. 

“Probably, shit,” Snap sneers. 

“Don’t even, Snap. You know that’s not true. He just—” Poe trails off, and Rey swallows hard, resisting the urge to peek over the couch to see what’s happening between the three of them. Before she can, Poe continues. Rey grips the couch, nerves building in the pit of her stomach. 

“He got arrested for drunk driving when he was a counselor. Almost got like four people killed.” 

Her cheeks go hot and her mouth feels instantly like sandpaper. It’s hard to tell if she’s got the spins, or if the world has just started to tilt off of its axis. She’s drunk enough that everything coursing through her system feels ten times more intense; she wants to get up and run, to get as far away from here—from this story—as possible.

That _can’t_ be true. He wouldn’t have kept that from her. 

Hux echoes her sentiment. “You’re kidding.” 

“Not in the slightest,” Poe mutters. 

“Ben Solo? That crotchety grump?” 

“The very same.” 

“When I heard he was gonna be director this year, I almost didn’t come back. I can’t believe they let him set foot on the grounds again after what he did,” Snap says. 

“But no one got hurt?” 

“Luckily. They didn’t give him a chance to fuck up again, though. Luke let him finish the summer because they were short on staff but he was gone the second the last week ended. Banned, apparently. Until he could get his shit together.”

There’s blood rushing to Rey’s ears and head as she takes deep, shaky breaths. It feels like someone’s just ripped the entire deck out from under her, like her footing is unreliable and she might topple over at any second. The beer in her hand feels like it weighs fifty pounds, and the swimming in her head quickly becomes something far from pleasant. 

She’s starting to shake a little, tears already forming in her eyes. 

It just doesn’t make _sense_. 

_Jail. Drunk driving._

_Almost got like four people killed._

_Banned._

Rey can’t fathom why Ben wouldn’t have told her any of this. And the fact that he didn’t, coupled with the fact that he’d been a complete high-horse sitting asshole to her for nearly half of the summer is making anger bloom deep in her belly alongside the nerves. 

It’s the hot, unpredictable kind of anger that she knows well—the kind she feels whenever someone betrays her. 

And of course, she should have known. How could she have been so stupid, to believe that someone would actually be truly honest with her? To believe that she could actually trust someone, give them her entire self, and not get her heart broken in the end?

Everyone leaves. And if they don’t, they fuck you over. They hurt you enough that it forces you to leave first. Ben, Rey realizes devastatingly, is no exception. 

“Han didn’t do shit to stop it, either,” Poe remarks. “Which I thought was the smart move. Ben completely trashed his legacy. I would’ve let his ass sit in jail.” 

“Wow,” Hux breathes.

“Yep. Now you know all the Skywalker drama,” Poe declares, and then their laughs get louder as they approach the deck. Rey sits up, watches them come into view, and feels like she might be sick. She stands, ignoring their concerned faces as she runs past them, straight into the nearest bathroom and drops to her knees. 

It’s not puke that comes out though. 

It’s fat, angry tears. They stream down her cheeks as she sobs into her hands, wishing that she never met Ben Solo in the first place. 

Of course, her phone goes off then. Rey fights the urge to toss it into the toilet, knowing exactly who it is. 

[ **I’m counting down the minutes until you get back.** ] 

She grits her teeth, overcome with too many feelings all at once. When she types back, tears drip onto the small, colorless screen. 

[ **did u get kicked out of camp for drunk driving???** ] 

It’s not something they should discuss over text. If Rey were in her right mind, she would know that.

But she’s not, so she doesn’t stop. 

[ **u really sat there and gave me so much shit for having one beer and u went to jail?? u were so awful to me for so long and all i ever did was take it. ur a fucking hypocrite** ]

He doesn’t respond. Rey stares at the phone, barely able to make out her own words through her tears. When it starts buzzing again, she can feel her heart thudding harder when she looks down and sees that it’s not a text. He’s calling her. 

Rey takes a deep breath. She has to answer. She wants to hear him say it.

When she does, she doesn’t say anything. Just holds the phone to her ear, letting her sobs be enough to let him know that she’s there. 

“Rey?” 

His voice sounds scared. A little broken. 

Rey doesn’t let it fool her. 

“Rey, listen—” 

“To what?” she barks then, slurring a little as she stands up from the bathroom floor and attempts to plant her feet firmly on the tile. “What could you possibly say that would make this okay, Ben? You lied to me.” 

“That’s not what hap—” 

Rey shakes her head. “What happened was you acted like a complete asshole to me for _weeks_. You were—you were so _cruel_ to me—and so self-righteous, knowing that you weren’t even _allowed_ back at camp until you got your own shit together. I can’t believe I let myself think you were someone I could trust. Someone I could lo—” 

She cuts herself off, eyes squeezing shut as she starts to cry again in earnest. Ben’s breathing hard on the other end, and when he speaks again, his voice no longer sounds broken. 

He sounds angry. 

“Look, Rey,” he begins, and there’s a sternness in his voice that she’s no longer accustomed to being on the other end of. “I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but that’s not what happened.” 

“Oh, really?” It’s mostly the alcohol talking now, but she can’t stop. All Rey sees is the burning red of her hurt sitting deep in her chest. “You mean you _didn’t_ almost kill four other counselors and get banned from camp at the end of summer?” 

Ben’s quiet. It makes her even more uneasy. So, she does what she does best and hammers in, relentlessly stubborn as she’s always been. 

“You told me you _decided_ to leave. That your dad told you camp would always be your home. But they told me that even _he_ didn’t want you to come back,” Rey blurts out, twisting the words she heard, vitriol spilling off her tongue in spades. “You lied to me. Right to my face.” 

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” 

It’s more of a growl than it is anything else, and it makes Rey’s chest seize up. 

“Enlighten me, then.” 

“I don’t have to tell you shit. I didn’t lie to you—whoever told you that story lied to you. And I bet you just let them, didn’t you? You just let them say that shit about me and you didn’t even question it.” 

He laughs then, but it’s completely mirthless. It’s darker than anything she’s ever heard come out of his mouth. 

“I—” 

“No,” he cuts her off. “You obviously have your mind made up about me. What more is there to say?” 

Alarm bells are blaring in Rey’s head, and she doesn’t know quite what to do or say or feel. Everything feels upside down. Ben’s anger is twinged with a hurt that she can recognize even in her inebriated state, and she feels the sudden urge to backpedal violently. 

“I don’t know—” 

“Exactly. You don’t know. You don’t know anything.”

Rey doesn’t respond—she just breathes. Or tries to, anyway, while also trying desperately to stop any more cries from wracking her chest. The regret is palpable. She feels like if she could rip herself open, she’d be able to reach in and grab it. 

“Ben—” 

“I should have known that you were just like everyone else,” he bites out, his voice breaking a little on the last word.

Rey’s eyes slide closed as she hears him sniffle, and then it feels like her heart might’ve just fallen out of her chest completely after what he says next.

“Find someone else to tie your Pendant, Rey. I’m done.” 

Three beeps sound in her ear, and then there’s nothing but silence. 

Everything is spinning as Rey sinks to her knees. She’s sweating bullets and her entire body is shaking. The phone falls out of her hand and shatters, and as if on cue, her body accepts the breakdown and she heaves the contents of her stomach all over the cold marble floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sobs incoherently*


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh, the angst is here. I'm sorry. It will resolve itself soon, I promise!
> 
> On that note, though, I _did_ up the chapter count by one.
> 
> Thank you to the best beta squad ever!

Rey wakes up the next morning with tears beading at the corners of her eyes, and the pounding ache in her head is no match for the massive tear in her heart. 

It takes all of her strength to sit up, and she feels winded once she’s finally upright. After a few labored breaths, she reaches for her phone, patting around for it in the darkness. When she finds it, the first thing she sees when she unlocks it is her and Ben’s texts.

The blackout curtains over each window make it so dark in the room that Rey can’t even see her hands as she drops the phone and brings them to her face, letting out a few throaty, raspy sobs. _What did she do?_

It starts to come back in painful, throbbing flashes, but mostly, she remembers feelings. 

Happiness. Bliss, even. Excitement. Yearning. 

Then confusion. Embarrassment. Hurt. Anger—blood-boiling, teeth grinding anger.

She’s always been a mean drunk. It’s why she doesn’t really _get_ drunk. A pint every now and then with her friends after work, sure. But anywhere in the vicinity of _blackout_ and Rey starts losing all forms of tact; she starts letting her emotions override her logic. 

Last night, the cacophony of voices she’d overheard told her only one thing:

Ben lied to her.

It didn’t matter that there were two sides to every story, and it didn’t matter that it was more of an omission than anything else, because Rey’s drunken brain shut down all forms of reason and sense and felt only the harsh sting of betrayal.

Besides Finn, all anyone in Rey’s life had ever done was hurt her. Betray her. Leave her. To be on such a magnificent high as she was last night, thinking about Ben and relishing in the warmth of her fellow counselors as they celebrated the summer, only to come crashing down upon hearing Poe and Snap’s story, well. As much as she hates herself for reacting the way she did, she isn’t altogether surprised. 

That doesn’t make it any easier, though. Self-hate is something she’s well accustomed to, but _now_ , it’s not just her that’s hurting because of her shitty choices. 

She hurt _Ben_. She hurt him so much. 

With startling clarity, she remembers him telling her to find someone else to tie her Pendant because he was _done_. Then he’d hung up the phone, leaving her alone, sick to her stomach with a self-inflicted broken heart. 

It’s just as well; Rey doesn’t deserve him. She never _has_. She doesn’t deserve to get her Pendant tied by him, or anyone. Pendants were reserved for people trying to better themselves, and Rey’s never been able to change. Not once. She’s still a goddamn child. 

The tears are flowing freely still when someone opens the door. A sliver of light streaks the room and reveals Finn’s silhouette, and he doesn’t say anything as he turns on a light and walks over to her, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. 

Rey’s shoulders are shaking; her chin is trembling and she’s an absolute fucking mess. Finn reaches out and puts a gentle hand on her cheek. 

“What’s going on?” he asks softly. 

Rey squeezes her eyes shut, gasping for breath. 

“I fucked up, Finn. I’m such an idiot. I never should have come here—I never should have thought that I was better—that I could be _normal_ or do normal things when I’m just—I’m not good. I’m not a good person. I don’t belong here.” 

Finn turns his body to fully face her, both of his hands bracing her shoulders tightly. 

“Hey,” he says, pulling one hand to her chin to tilt it up, forcing her to look at him. “I don’t know what went down last night, but it doesn’t even matter. You _are_ a good person, Rey. You’re the best person I know. Seriously, you know I hate when you talk like this—” 

She doesn’t hear him. Not really. Rey’s nostrils flare as she waves him off, still adamantly shaking her head. 

“No. I—” she sobs, gasping for a breath. “I heard someone say something...really _bad_ about Ben and I—I got embarrassed and angry with him and I overreacted and now—” 

Rey has to take a moment to collect herself before she can finish the sentence. It hurts too much to speak it aloud. 

“Now it’s over. I didn’t _think_ —I just let it consume me, like I always do when I drink—and I hurt him. I blamed him and I called him a liar and I—” she drops her head into her palm. “I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I pushed him away.” 

Finn is right there as soon as she breaks down again, both her hands at her face now as she presses the heels of them into her eyes. His hands on her arms are the only thing anchoring her to the present. If not for him, she’d be floating around in the ether, swimming in a sea of dread and misery.

Of course there’s more to the story than she heard last night. Ben is _Ben,_ after all, and it doesn’t make sense, now that she’s looking at it with a clear head. Rey wants to run herself through a meat grinder for how quickly she jumped to conclusions—how little of a chance she’d given him to tell the _true_ story of what happened all those years ago. The fact that she’d cut him off at the pass and automatically assumed the worst is breaking her heart all over again. 

Rey's mortified. She feels a heaviness under her skin that seems to pull her back down to the mattress. Her head falls back onto the pillow—which smells like her dirty hair and bore new drool stains—and shakes her head again. 

“I can’t go back there. I can’t—I can’t see him knowing that he hates me.” 

“You can,” Finn states and brooks no argument. “And you will.”

“Finn—”

“You were in love with the guy less than twelve hours ago, Rey. Calling him _amazing_ and shit,” Finn declares, moving up on the bed so he can reach her face. His smile is kind as he pushes a strand of messy hair behind her ear. “Let’s give him a chance here, shall we? Come back to camp. Apologize. Grovel, if you must. If this guy is everything you’ve made him out to be, he’ll understand and forgive you.”

Rey sniffles. The look on her face slowly transforms into something that looks suspiciously like hope. “You think so?”

Finn gives her a soft, easy smile.

“I think anyone that makes you smile the way you were smiling yesterday in the car is worth fighting for.”

Rey stares up at the ceiling, a war taking place in her aching head. Every instinct she’s got is telling her to fly—telling her that fighting never gets you anywhere but more hurt than you already were. Running is always easier than facing the music. 

But that was before Ben. Her life of never staying in one place long enough to get hurt, of never trusting anyone enough that they were capable of betraying you, that was all before Ben cut her heart open and made her stare into it. Before he looked at her with eyes that didn’t judge, touched her with hands that only wanted to love. To worship. Before he made her feel like being still wasn’t such a bad thing, if it meant he was holding her. 

For the first time in her life, Rey wants to stay, in all senses of the word. 

She wants to stay in Ben’s arms, in his mind, in his heart.

With that thought lodged into her brain and her heart, Rey cleans off her running nose and nods, swinging her legs over the bed. When her feet hit the ground, she plants them in, ready to do whatever it takes to get Ben to forgive her.

* * *

They all get back at camp two hours before the campers arrive. They’re greeted by Luke and Leia, who look at their hungover forms like disappointed parents and urge them all to go shower the smell of whiskey off before the kids come. Everyone agrees and stalks off to their respective cabins. Rose catches up with Rey halfway to cabin ten, where she’s co-counselors with Kaydel for the final week. She’s thanking her lucky stars that she doesn’t have the littlest kids when she feels her tiny friend’s hand clasp her own. 

“Dude,” Rose starts, slowing to a walk when she’s shoulder-to-shoulder with Rey. “I know we’re all a little worse for wear right now, but you look like you got hit by a bus.” 

Rey sniffs. She’s probably right, but Rey can’t find it in herself to care. “Thanks.” 

“Did something happen? You were having such a great time last night and then you just disappeared.” 

The question is innocent and the concern in Rose’s voice is genuine. Rey knows that after spending almost three months in such close quarters with her. They’re nearly to cabin ten when Rey picks up her head and looks at her friend, and then drags her by the hand over to the infirmary that sits in the middle of the cabins. She sits down on the bench near the front, far enough away from the rest of the group that no one will be able to hear their conversation. 

“I did something stupid last night.” 

Rose’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, no. Was it Snap? Did you have sex with Snap?” 

There’s a tiny grimace on her lips and if Rey weren’t in such a slump, she might’ve laughed. Instead, she just shakes her head. “No. Nothing like that.” 

“What then?” 

Rey clears her throat and angles her body toward Rose. She doesn’t look at her as she confesses, instead choosing to stare at the field of freshly cut grass that surrounds the baseball dugout. “I, um. I got too drunk last night and let myself get really angry about something, and I hurt someone that I really care about.” 

Rose doesn’t say anything, which Rey appreciates. She takes a few long, deep breaths before continuing. 

“I get angry when I drink sometimes. I should’ve known better than to take shots and shit with you guys, but we were celebrating and I figured with how well things were going with B—” Rey cuts herself off, looking down at her hands. “Well, I don’t know what I figured. I guess I thought that I was happy enough that nothing was going to set me off.” 

A hand reaches out and squeezes her own. Rey can see the chipped coral polish on Rose’s fingertips as they cradle hers. Softly, Rose says, “You can tell me, Rey.” 

Rey’s face starts to crumple as a fresh batch of tears form in her eyes. Now that she’s broken it, she has no doubt that what she was feeling in her heart for Ben was love, or something terrifyingly close to it. 

“I fell in love with Ben.” 

Rose squeezes a little harder then, and Rey can hear the sharp intake of breath. Still, the champion of a friend that she is, Rose doesn’t press. 

Rey sobs. “I fell for him and we—I was so fucking happy for a minute—and then I heard Poe and Snap telling Hux about what happened that summer that he got banned from camp.” 

At that, Rose groans. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” 

Rey picks up her head immediately, alarm and confusion all over her face. “What?” 

Rose rolls her eyes so hard that Rey swears they go all the way back into her head. 

“Poe and Snap are fucking assholes, Rey. You know that. They’ve been coming here since they were little kids so they think they’ve got some kind of authority on who _deserves_ to be at Skywalker Ranch. It’s gross. And poor Ben—” 

Rey’s heart is hammering so hard in her chest that she feels like she might vomit it up. She knows that whatever Rose is about to say, it’s only going to make things worse. 

Rose shakes her head. “Ben didn’t deserve the way Luke treated him. And he definitely didn’t deserve the way Han and Leia didn’t stick up for him, that’s for damn sure.” 

It feels suddenly like the air around them has gotten thinner as Rey struggles to maintain her breathing. Her bottom lip is trembling as she pushes out a shaky question.

“What do you mean?” 

Rose shifts in her seat, like she’s settling in, and lets out a deep breath through her nostrils. “Ben was driving that night, but he wasn’t drunk. He had one beer, maybe. It was the other guys in the car that were wasted and one of them was fucking around and put his hands over Ben’s eyes. They were driving down that really windy road that takes you to camp and Ben crashed the car and they all got arrested, but Ben got the brunt of it. Luke made him sit in jail for a whole day even after taking the other guys out.” 

A flood of guilt and anger rushes into Rey’s chest at the admission. 

How horribly, exceptionally, _awfully_ wrong she’d been. 

“Obviously there are a lot of different versions of that story that make their way around camp every year. The legend of the prodigal Skywalker son, yada yada. People that aren’t Ben’s biggest fans tend to twist it the most, though, as you learned last night.” 

Rey’s eyes slide closed. She wishes, with everything she’s got, that she would disappear. Just vanish into thin air, erasing all of the damage she’d done in an instant. 

“Luke kept him and the guys around because they didn’t have enough counselors and it was so deep into the summer that they wouldn’t be able to bring anyone else in, but he basically banned Ben for being so irresponsible, even after the cops told him that his BAC was like .018 or something ridiculously low. Han didn’t fight it. I think that’s what really drove Ben away, honestly. I can’t imagine how he must’ve felt.” 

It’s quiet between the two of them for a moment, and then Rose tilts her head and catches Rey’s eyes, which have been starting daggers into the dirt under the bench. 

“What happened after you heard them?” 

Rey lets out a laugh, but it’s more sad than it is anything else. A few stray tears stream down her face as the reality of the situation falls down around her. 

“I called him a liar. A hypocrite,” she shakes her head, nostrils flaring. “Told him that he was self-righteous and cruel for treating me like he did before when he was the one that fucked up so badly that he got himself banned and even his own father didn’t want him to come back.” 

Rose squeezes Rey’s hand again, but remains quiet. Rey thinks that makes sense. 

She doesn’t deserve to be reassured. 

She deserves to be sent home packing, never to be seen or heard from again. 

* * *

Kaydel is guarding swim tests when the kids arrive, so it’s up to Rey to take her cabin to Davis Hall for lice checks. Everyone sits in a circle on the cold concrete, and Rey watches as Leia waves in group after group with her rubber-gloved hand. 

As Rey’s girls are walking toward the little room near the front of the building where they do this every week, she spots Ben through his office window, frowning at his computer screen. It feels like every nerve she’s got is lit aflame as she stares at him, unaware of Leia calling her name so she can close the door behind the group. 

Leia dutifully goes through each of the girl’s hair and signs off on a clean bill of health. If she notices Rey fidgeting and looking at the door every few minutes, she doesn’t say anything, but instead checks Rey’s hair too, just as she does every Sunday. 

When they walk out and Rey sees Rose with Jannah and their campers near the door waiting to go in, she tugs at Rose’s elbow. Her friend looks up at her expectantly.

“Will you take them over to the pool?” 

At first, Rose looks confused, until Rey’s eyes slide over to Ben’s office, where she confirms that he’s still sitting at his desk, looking decidedly more grumpy than he had five minutes ago. When she realizes what Rey’s implying, Rose nods. 

“Of course,” she says, reaching out to squeeze Rey’s shoulder. “Go.” 

She owes Rose a pedicure. Or maybe a nice care package full of delicious British chocolate, since the stuff here in America is such rubbish. 

“Thank you.” 

Rey tells the cabin that Rose is going to take them over to the pool to see Kaydel and that she’ll be right back before pushing off her heel and heading toward the far end of Davis Hall. Her heart is in her throat and it feels like she hasn’t had a drink of water in ages, but she puts one foot in front of the other again and again until she’s marched herself all the way to his door. After blowing out a long, anxious breath, she taps it lightly with her knuckles. 

“Yeah?” Ben yells, and Rey slowly opens the door. She doesn’t look at him until the door is fully closed behind her, and even then, he has yet to look up from his computer.

When he does, his face shifts right before her eyes and makes her stomach sink. It goes from something like expectant— _open_ , maybe—to hard, cold, and a little sad. 

Rey’s nostrils flare as she fights the urge to cry for the umpteenth time. Ben holds her eyes, his lips forming quickly into a tight line. When he stays quiet, just staring at her with all his anger seeming to bubble under the surface of his skin, Rey sucks in a breath. 

It’s now or never. 

“I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now. Or be around me, or even look at me but—” Rey breathes deeply, trying not to psych herself out. “I wanted to tell you that I’m more sorry than you could possibly know for the way I behaved last night. It was immature and irrational and you didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that, or accused like that without being given the chance to explain yourself. I jumped to conclusions and got angry because I was drunk, and that’s what I do when I get drunk.”

She lets a beat pass between them, still staring him dead in the eye.

Again, for good measure, she says, “I’m so sorry, Ben.” 

He just stares. His face doesn’t move for several breaths, and then he’s looking away from her, biting the inside of his cheek. It looks like he’s contemplating, and Rey’s almost on the verge of hoping that perhaps he’s about to accept her apology when—

“You were right, you know,” Ben remarks, looking at the window behind her. 

Rey’s instantly confused, so she opens her mouth to clarify, but he cuts her off. 

“When you said that I was a hypocrite. And I think you tossed _asshole_ in there at some point, too,” he’s sitting back in his chair now, folding his arms over his chest. “In any case, you were right. I am all of those things.” 

It’s like an arrow to her heart. “Ben—”

He continues on like she didn’t say a word. “You were right, and I realized last night that I’ve been deluding myself into thinking that I could actually make this work. Any of this,” he says, looking around the room and shaking his head slowly. “I don’t belong here. I never have.” 

She’s about to open her mouth to argue again when he says, “Honestly, I should thank you, for showing me that once and for all. I was being stubborn about it, but now it seems abundantly clear. I’ve already talked to my mother about leaving right after this week ends. It wasn’t an easy thing for her to hear, but she understands that this just isn’t where I’m meant to be.” 

His tone is cold. Clinical. It sends chills running all over her skin and Rey wants desperately to climb over his desk and into his lap and pepper his face with kisses until he stops talking like this. But he’d probably cut her off before she made it even halfway. Instead, she forces her words in as best she can.

“You’re not a hypocrite. Or an asshole. _I_ was the one being an asshole last night, Ben, and I’m so sorry that I—” 

“No, Rey. You don’t get it. You’ve made this so much easier for me. My whole life, I’ve wanted to belong here, to have my family back and feel like I was part of something, but there was always this little voice inside of my head telling me that I didn’t deserve it. That I was too selfish. Too much of a monster after what I did. For a long time, I tried to turn that voice off, but I had no idea how much peace would come with just letting it out. So really, thank you.” 

Tears are welling up in Rey’s eyes. She’s lost for words, standing in front of him, shaking like a leaf. “But—but Ben, I want you to be here. I love—” she cuts herself off, looking down at her shoes. A few tears fall onto her cheeks. “I’ve loved every second that I’ve spent with you here. You’ve made this summer so incredible for me.” 

He’s quiet for a moment, and it forces her to look up. What she finds isn’t what she expected; he’s looking at her inquisitively, eyes narrowed. Then, he seems to shake it off.

“That’s camp magic for you, Rey. It makes things feel much bigger than they actually are.” Ben raises his chin. “Makes nothing feel like something.” 

She has to physically stop herself from curling in as his words act like a physical blow to her body. Rey’s face crumples. “Nothing?” 

Ben shrugs. “Nothing to extend your stay for, that’s for sure.” 

“Ben—” 

“Look, let’s just call a spade a spade here. It was a fling. You needed some excitement and I was a willing participant. We had some fun, but now it’s time to face the reality of our situation. I’m leaving this place in my rearview once this session is over, and I’m sure you’ve got some kind of adventure planned for yourself. You won’t ever have to see me again.” 

Rey can’t help the dumbfounded expression on her face. “You think that’s what I want?” 

The smile that spreads on Ben’s lips isn’t a kind one. When he speaks again, it’s with a note of finality that leaves no room for interpretation.

“It’s what _I_ want.” 

Rey stands there for a few seconds, paralyzed. “Oh,” she breathes out, her hands starting to shake. “Okay. I—I guess I’ll go, then.” 

Ben nods, and then looks away from her as he sits back down in his chair. Not a second later, he’s back on his computer, clicking away as if she never entered his office in the first place.

With that, Rey inhales sharply through her nose and turns around, running out of his office and getting as far away from him as she can, refusing to let him see her cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _this is fine this is fine this is fine_


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ups the chapter count again*
> 
> *runs away*
> 
> Thank you to Heidi, Sam and Felicia, my beta angels. <3 
> 
> also, I've already written chapter 12, so be on the lookout for that within the next couple of days!! 😇

Sometimes, even in the dead of summer, it gets cold at night. The air is lighter, unplagued with its usually dreadful humidity. The crispiness of the wind, coupled with the clear sky that allows the stars to fully show off, and the unpredictable melody of the crickets and cicadas that linger in the trees all culminate in a perfect summer night in Texas. 

At least, it would be a perfect summer night, if Ben could pick his head up from his hands and actually enjoy it. As it is, he’s been sitting against one of the telephone poles at the high ropes course for the past three hours, sobbing into his palms as loudly as he wants to, knowing that no one will hear him this far away from camp. 

In truth, he’s surprised that he made it this long without breaking down like this. With the tension between him and Luke and the feeling of his dad looming over his shoulder at every turn, it’s a wonder that he’s kept it together so well. 

Logically, he knows that Rey has an awful lot to do with that. She’d given him something else to focus on, to hold onto, as opposed to the ever-present resentment and heartache that he carried everywhere. With her, everything always felt lighter. 

And then Saturday happened. 

Ben’s knees are pulled to his chest as he heaves out breath after breath, pushing away the intrusive thoughts that threaten to send him catapulting further into oblivion. He hasn’t let himself think about what happened the last time he was here for fear of exactly _this_. Being director was enough stress on its own, but to try to actually face the past? Nah. It had always been so much easier to just bury it. Deep.

Rey brought it all back and without permission. She’d exposed every part of him that he’d tried so desperately to hide. It didn’t matter that she was clearly drunk, not thinking things through when she spoke to him the way that she did, because the words couldn’t be unspoken. The past that she’d dredged up was out, on display, staring back at Ben and mocking him for thinking he could ever move on from it. 

Of course she’d called him a hypocrite. He is one.

Of course she’d called him an asshole. He is one. 

Of course she’d called him cruel and self-righteous and all those other well-deserved names that her drunken state had supplied. 

He is all of those things, and he always has been. 

The only option left was to call it, to nip it in the bud now before she got too attached to him, to let her see that she’d been right—that he was all those things she hated, and that she’d be better off as far away from him as she could get. Across a literal ocean, hopefully. To accomplish that, he’d told her a white-lie about leaving at the end of the week, that he’d already run it by his mother. The look on her face when he’d lied was nearly enough for him to retract the statement, but he pressed forward anyway, letting his anger consume and dull any guilt or hesitation.

Ben is too distracted by pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes to see the lights of the gator approaching the course. When the rumbling engine is close enough, and the rocks begin to protest loudly against the large rubber wheels as they’re rolled over, he looks up. 

Leia Organa has never looked more determined than she does at this moment. 

His mother has on her favorite olive green Skywalker Ranch baseball cap, and she’s sporting a bright pink Columbia fishing shirt that would hang down to her knees if it wasn’t tucked into her khaki shorts. She wears them—despite being made fun of by her son and brother constantly—because they’re _breezy_ and wick moisture better than anything else she’s tried. 

As she hops off the gator with a bounce in her step like she’s twenty years younger, Ben uses his shirt to wipe at his eyes and wet cheeks. He resists the urge to keep crying now that she’s close, that childlike desire to curl into himself and let her hold him, let her push away all the darkness as she used to when he was younger. 

Instead, he gives her a tiny, shaky smile when she’s close enough that he can fully see her face.

She looks like she’s ready to dropkick whoever is responsible for his current state, and it makes his heart seize with welcome warmth. Her hands find her hips and she’s towering over him, eyebrows shooting up expectantly. 

After a beat, she sighs, obviously impatient. “Spill,” she commands.

Ben leans his head back against the wooden pole. He clenches and unclenches his jaw, a force of habit when he’s tense, and looks up at the sky. 

“It’s over between Rey and me.” 

Leia scoffs, and Ben dips his chin down, locking eyes with her again. 

“What?” he asks. 

His mother shakes her head. “You better be about to tell me that she was two-timing you with Snap. Or something equally as bad.” 

Ben narrows his eyes at her. “Not to my knowledge, no.” 

At that, she sighs and moves over to him quickly. She groans a little as she crouches down into a seated position, muttering something about achy knees and how he’s the only person she’d sit in the dirt for at this hour. 

“Sweetheart, I don’t know what happened between the two of you, and frankly, I don’t care.” 

He’s about to open his mouth to explain, to tell her that she _should_ care because what Rey did _wasn’t_ okay, but she holds up a hand to stop him. 

“What I _do_ know is, something changed in you this summer,” she tells him, and Ben can’t help but look away from her gaze, as intense as ever. It doesn’t deter her in the slightest. 

“Even when you were a kid, you were always unsure. Hesitant. Like you didn’t fully trust yourself, even though this was your home. For a long time, I blamed it on myself and your father for not spending enough time with you.” 

Ben feels like his mind is catching on fire. 

“Whatever the cause may be, it’s something that’s always broken my heart about you, honey.” 

“Mom, I—” 

“Please. Let me just say this, and then you can go back to brooding. I promise.” 

He shuts his mouth and gives her a tiny nod. 

“It hurts me because I know how wonderful you are,” she states, and he looks her in the eye then, finding her unflinching stare still there. “How smart, thoughtful, considerate, and _loving_ you are. You don’t think you are, and you like to let people think that you aren’t, but I know. I’ve always known.” 

Ben’s nostrils flare as he looks at her, not losing her eyes as she tells him all of this like it’s the easiest thing in the world for her to say. 

“Rey sees it, baby. She saw it from the first moment she met you. She waded through all of your walls and your angry constructs and she saw _you_.”

It hits him like a freight train, this truth. It hits him like he’s been teetering on the edge of something, rocking back and forth precariously and just barely managing to stay upright. It hits him and he crumples, shaking his head. 

“Someone told her about what happened—with Luke and dad that summer. She just _believed_ them—she didn’t even give me a chance to explain. It hurt...so much. Hearing her regurgitate what they said about me,” Ben sobs. “About dad.” 

Leia doesn’t even consider his words. “Ben, she’s twenty-years-old. Twenty-year-olds say stupid shit. Especially when they’re three sheets to the wind like all of those idiots were last night.” 

The matter-of-factness in her voice is like a balm to Ben’s aching soul. When she sees him considering her words, she reaches out and places a soft hand on his knee. 

“Did she apologize?” 

Ben nods. 

“Then why is it over?” 

He sighs, flinging his hands up at his sides. “Because I’m a fuck up. I’ve always been a fuck up. Luke has no problems letting me know that _that_ hasn’t changed. She deserves better than that, and I was selfish to think otherwise.” 

Leia lifts her glasses up so she can rub her eyes. She looks suddenly exhausted.

“I don’t know if you were aware of this, but your Uncle Luke—my _darling_ brother _—_ is not the authority on whether or not you’re a good person. He was in the wrong back then, and so were your dad and me, and we all know that. I know that you two have never seen eye-to-eye, but please sweetheart,” she sighs. “Don’t give him the power to determine your worthiness. He doesn’t deserve it.” 

Ben sniffles. “He’s right about dad, though,” he states, looking away from her. “I was a coward.” 

Leia squeezes his knee. “We’ve all done things, Ben,” then he feels her small hand at his chin, pulling it toward her so he’s forced to look her in the eye again. “When I think about how everything went down that year—how we didn’t fight for you—” she trails off, her lips forming into a hard line. “I’ll never stop being sorry for that.” 

Ben blinks at her, his lip trembling as she looks off into the distance. After a beat, she clears her throat and continues. “But your father—he didn’t think you were a coward. After everything that happened, even in the end, he understood. He loved you, and he knew that you loved him. Even if you weren’t there to say it.” 

A few seconds pass between them and then Ben’s folding over, his eyes squeezing shut as he cries, his head finding a resting place in his mother’s lap. She runs her fingers through his unkempt hair, gently untangling the knots as she scrapes his scalp with her nails. She whispers sweet, comforting nothings to him as he sobs, thinking about his father. Thinking about forgiveness, and how maybe it wasn’t always something you gave to people because they deserved it. More often than not, you gave it to them because they needed it. 

Maybe Ben will never deserve his father’s forgiveness, but he needs it all the same.

As he clings harder to his mother’s knee as he cries, he’s more grateful than he can fathom to her for providing it.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It would’ve been strange if Rey was to go out of her way to be nice to Ben during the last week of camp, considering the nature of their last conversation. 

He should’ve guessed as much, seeing as he’s the one that hammered the nail into the coffin of their pseudo-relationship by telling her—untruthfully as it may have been—that he didn’t want her. That he wanted to leave her and the camp behind and never look back. 

What he didn’t expect, however, is how good Rey is at pretending he doesn’t even _exist_. 

Ben tells himself it’s a well-honed defense mechanism that’s caused her to flaunt in order to protect herself from being hurt again, despite the nagging voice at the back of his brain that tells him to notice how _easy_ it is for her to go about her business as if nothing happened. 

He’s trying to not let that voice dictate the way he lives his life anymore. 

He really, truly is. 

And, in her defense, it’s not like he’s gone out of his way to try to make amends with her. After sobbing into his mother’s lap to the point of exhaustion on Sunday, he’d agreed with her that he’d probably overreacted. He’d agreed that _Rey_ was the type of person that deserved forgiveness, especially _his_ , considering how much love and light and life she’d brought to him over the past few months. She was unparalleled in her impact on him and how he felt about himself. With Rey beside him, Ben felt like anything was possible. 

He misses that feeling. He wonders if she misses it, too, but can’t bury his doubt, because Rey is like... _remarkably_ good at not letting him affect her. 

He envies her skill in this, because right now, as he stands on the stage during the last camp dance of the summer, _all_ he feels is how Rey is affecting him. How her pink, twenty-dollar sundress from Walmart looks almost neon against her tanned skin as she dances barefoot in Davis Hall, smiling widely at her campers as they all bounce around in a circle beside her. 

Ben’s not even looking at his laptop to see what song is coming up next; he’s too dumbstruck by how gorgeous and free she looks out there in the dim-lit room, laughing and singing along horrendously without a care. 

So when _I Hope You Dance_ comes on next and all of Rey’s campers push her and Snap together into dancing positions, it takes Ben by surprise. He’d barely heard the song shift in the first place. Rey laughs, shaking her head in disbelief at the lot of them, but goes along with it. 

Snap’s face makes Ben want to jump off the stage and pummel him. He’s always been a punk, to be sure, and now he’s got his hands all over Rey’s shoulders.

Then he starts to _rub them_. 

Ben knows that what he’s about to do is immature. He knows that it’s stupid, that he’s nothing more than a brute letting his dick making decisions instead of his brain, but he can’t stand the sight of those sausage fingers all over Rey’s smooth, bronze skin for one second longer. 

So, he switches the song to the macarena before Lee Ann Womack can even get to the chorus. The crowd erupts into boos. Ben shrugs, picking up the mic and smiling as innocently as he can possibly manage. 

“My bad, guys. My hand slipped.” 

For the first time in days, he makes eye contact with Rey. They hold each other’s gaze for a long moment, and he can’t help but notice how tired she seems all of the sudden. Like looking at him has drained her of the energy that was just bursting from the seams. 

It makes his heart _ache_. 

The dance continues on without incident, but Ben is very strategic in the rest of his playlist, so no more slow songs get played, and he ends the evening with _YMCA_. The group goes wild for it, jumping around and doing the arm motions, and that smile is back on Rey’s face, but there’s something off about it. It never returns to its full brightness. Soon, she’s walking out of Davis Hall with her campers, leading them outside without looking back. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


It’s Ben’s third time doing M.O.D. this week, and he’s nearly done with _The Return of the King_ , but he keeps getting distracted. Every time someone walks by, he lifts his head up, hoping against all hope that he’ll catch a glimpse of Rey. 

He knows the schedule. He knows that she took her two-hour break this afternoon, so there’s no reason for her to leave her cabin again tonight. 

That doesn’t stop him from looking. Every single time. 

It’s not like he’s got some brilliant plan for what he’ll do if he _does_ see her, either. He truly, painfully doesn’t. All he knows is that he wants to see her. He never doesn’t want to. Even now, when she clearly wants to be nowhere near him. 

He’s so deep in thought, reading the same line of the book over and over again, that he actually jumps a little when Rose appears at the foot of the lime green M.O.D. lawn chair. 

“Can I talk to you?” she huffs, combative enough that it may as well be rhetorical.

Ben hopes he doesn’t look as nervous as he suddenly feels. “Sure?” 

Rose walks forward then, crossing her ankles before plopping down onto the asphalt. Her legs are crossed and she leans forward, her undivided attention now on Ben. 

“What’s up?” he asks, shutting the book and placing it facedown in his lap. 

“Can we skip the part where I pretend like I don’t know everything that’s going on between you and Rey? I have to be back at my cabin in like ten minutes, and I’ve got a lot of things to say.” 

Ben gulps. He isn’t sure what he expected for Rose to say when she sat down next to him, but it definitely wasn’t _that._

He bites the inside of his cheek. “Okay.” 

“Okay, great,” Rose says as she sits up a little straighter. “Now that that’s out of the way—what the hell were you thinking on Sunday, telling her all of that bullshit about your relationship meaning _nothing_ and how you never want to see her again after this week?” 

The tips of Ben’s ears go pink instantly. His face and neck start to heat up, and he wants nothing more than for this ugly, rickety chair to swallow him whole. He swallows hard, then opens his mouth to reply, but she cuts him off. 

“She’s a mess, Ben. I know it doesn’t look like it, because she’s really good at pretending like everything’s fine when it isn’t, but she is. Kaydel told me she’s cried herself to sleep every night this week.” 

Fuck. 

Ben’s heart goes wild in his chest as a sinkhole opens up inside his stomach. He looks toward Rey’s cabin, his brows furrowing as he thinks about her laying on one of those pathetic twin mattresses and crying until she can’t keep her eyes open anymore. 

It takes everything he’s got not to run to her right then and there. 

Rose must notice the concern, the utter _panic_ that’s spreading over his face, because she reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder, pulling him back to the present. 

“I didn’t know,” he says airily, lost in a daze. 

“You knew you were hurting her. You had to know. She stood there in that office and basically told you she loved you, and you did it anyway.” 

Ben shakes his head. “I was angry. So fucking angry with her—I was an idiot. I shouldn’t—” he trails off, looking back over to her cabin. 

He hears Rose sigh. “I get why you were angry, Ben. I really do. But she didn’t deser—” 

“I know, Rose,” Ben sighs, shutting his eyes as he turns his face back to her. “I know.” 

A moment of silence passes between them, and when Ben opens his eyes again, Rose is staring at him with sympathy in hers. He’s grateful for her in that moment; he’s grateful that Rey has someone like Rose to be there for her while he’s been too much of a coward to be there himself. His heart feels like it’s a thousand pounds as he thinks about her dancing in her sundress, smiling so beautifully and openly, all the while feeling the same turmoil as him. 

She’s been through so much. It makes sense that she’d know how to stow it away when she needs to. Ben is angry at himself in a way he’s never been for putting his own name on the list of things that Rey has to bury.

“She’s still gonna get her Bronze tomorrow,” Rose tells him then, pulling him out of the destructive thoughts. “I convinced her to still come. Somehow.” 

He looks down at his hands. “That’s—” Ben’s nostrils flare. “That’s good. She deserves to.” 

Rose doesn’t hesitate. “She _deserves_ to have her Pendant tied by her counselor.” 

Ben looks up then. Slowly, he shakes his head. 

“No, she doesn’t want me up there. Not after what I did, how I treated her.” 

Rose sighs, looking toward Rey’s cabin. “That’s _all_ she wants, Ben.” She offers him a smile that’s too sad for her face then, and says, “That’s all she’s ever wanted.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're getting somewhere folks!
> 
> also, if you were wondering what a Columbia fishing shirt looks like, look no further:
> 
> me, 10 years ago, in a fishing shirt, AT CAMP!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :') love you guys. thanks for your support through sadsville!
> 
> big ups to my beta bebes!

Friday comes horrendously slowly and all too quickly, somehow at the same time. 

Rey’s entire world for the past three months is about to be ripped away from her, and yet she finds herself counting down the hours until she can drive off the property for the last time, leaving it and everyone associated with it in the past. 

She’s extremely well-versed in keeping the past as far away from her present as she can manage. It’s how she’s gotten through this week in the first place, after all. Well, that, and Finn and Rose, who have been hovering around her like helicopter mothers ever since she told them what happened in Ben’s office on Sunday. It took a _lot_ of talking Finn down to keep him from stomping in there and breaking Ben’s nose, but somehow, with Rey and Rose’s powers combined, they were able to get him to sit back down and take a breath. 

Now, as she picks at her food in the dining hall, shoving around the steamed broccoli on her plate so it looks like she’s actually eating it, Rey’s thoughts are all over the place. 

One second, she wants to be gone. Next, she wants to stay, to shake Ben by the shoulders and tell him he’s being a stubborn moron and throwing something away that’s so… good. 

_Too_ good maybe, she thinks next. Nothing that good can last. Not in her experience. 

It’s his voice over the loudspeaker that breaks her free from her tumultuous thoughts. Rey peeks up at him but doesn’t let him catch her. Soon enough, she’s staring back down at her plate as he speaks. 

“Alright everyone, in about five minutes, we’re going to start cleaning up,” Rey’s not looking, but she knows that he's taking a second to point to the trashcans and the dishwashing window. “And then you’re going to head to your cabins to put on closed-toed shoes for our hike. Please also remember to bring your water bottles, it’s gonna be a stuffy one tonight.” 

And then he’s done, and she can see his lower-half through her lashes as he walks back to the senior staff table. Then, and only then, does Rey look up from her plate. 

“Where are we hiking to?” the camper to her right, a ten-year-old named Wendy, asks her. 

Rey musters up her best smile. “It’s a secret,” she whispers, and then bounces her eyebrows.

Wendy’s face transforms into something like wonder, and for a small moment, as she smiles up at her, Rey’s heart doesn’t feel quite so heavy anymore. 

  
  


* * *

The Crystal Ceremony happens every Friday night. It’s Skywalker Ranch’s own little theater production that tells a tall tale about the history of the camp, how Shmi Skywalker, Leia and Luke’s grandmother, founded the place back in the twenties.

Legend has it, she found a crystal that sparkled in the moonlight unlike anything she’d ever seen. It shone like the spotlights that shine on the camp flag, like it was calling her name in the middle of the field where they now play soccer and red rover. 

She’d said that when she touched it, it was like she could see the future. 

She saw kids playing and laughing and felt a sense of joy that radiated in her heart and soul. She saw a river that would flow through everyone like a string that held it all together. She saw Mount Vaughn, the hill where they sit at this very moment, looking over the land with all of its immense glory, protecting it from any outsiders. 

Shmi Skywalker took that crystal home with her that night and then less than a year later, Skywalker Ranch was opening its gates for the first time. 

Rey’s seen this little production now ten times, but this time feels drastically different than any before. She knows she’s not alone in this; there are other counselors sitting near her that she can hear sniffling, all thinking about how this is the last time they’ll watch this together. It’s the last time they’ll hear about Shmi and her beloved, mystical crystal because the summer is over. 

Ben is where he always is during the Crystal Ceremony, standing off to the side with Maz, his hands tucked deep into his pockets as he watches his uncle narrate and his mother act the part of her grandmother, looking into the crowd in awe as she picks up the prop crystal they use every week. 

She doesn’t do it on purpose, but she also doesn’t stop herself from staring at him, knowing that he’s fully focused on the scene. Rey takes him in, his bare arms and that grey t-shirt that always shows his pit stains, his dark blue shorts that lead to long, strong legs and hiking boots. Rey’s stomach tightens as she keeps looking. 

It would’ve been nice to be loved by Ben, to be held by him in the dark, to wake up to him in the morning and kiss his eyelids as he slept. 

It would’ve been nice to belong to him. 

She lets out a long exhale through her nose quietly, letting the hurt decorate her insides for a second. Letting herself really feel the emptiness that came with losing the possibility of their future. Her eyes are scanning back up until they reach his face again, and can hear Luke’s voice booming from the makeshift stage when—

Ben looks right at her. 

Rey has to stop herself from physically jolting; that’s the only way she can describe the feeling that shoots through her body when their eyes meet. 

He stares at her with an intensity unlike anything she’s ever known. His eyes _burn_.

They’re honey-like in the firelight, blazing as they bore into her, saying a million things that she can’t quite make out. Rey wishes he could yell them all at her right then, tell her exactly what he’s thinking. But she chooses to look away instead, yanking herself out of his gravitational pull before she gets swallowed whole by him. Again. 

He doesn’t _want_ her. He’d made that abundantly clear. He probably just felt her staring at him, considering how unabashedly she’d been doing so. 

They don’t look at each other again for the rest of the show, and when it’s over, Ben is the first to leave. He turns his back on the group and walks away, sparing none of them a second glance.

  
  


* * *

Rose holds Rey’s hand the entire way back down Mount Vaughn. She has a sinking suspicion that Rose is trying to keep track of her so she doesn’t disappear before she’s supposed to climb to Pendant point later that evening, but Rey doesn’t confirm either way and instead just grips tighter, trying with all of her might to push Ben’s bright honey eyes far out of her mind. 

As they get to the bottom of the hill, Rose turns around and cups her hands over her mouth. 

“If you’re getting your Pendant tied tonight,” she shouts, and everyone stops to look at her. “Meet us at the flagpole at 10:00 sharp. We leave at 10:05 and not one minute later! Wear closed-toed shoes, bring your water, all that jazz. Y’all know the drill.” 

There’s a slew of mumbled agreements from the crowd as everyone disperses and heads toward their cabins. Rose stops in front of Rey and gives her a hopeful smile. 

“See you then?”

Rey swallows hard, and then nods, returning the smile as best she can. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Truthfully, she still isn’t sure how Rose convinced her to do this. 

As Rey’s tightening up the laces to her hiking boots, all she can think about is when she wore them to find the clearing where she and Ben created their own Pendant Point. 

The day he’d backed her up into a tree and kissed her with everything he had. 

When he’d put his hands on her and made her see stars. 

When he’d lifted her up into his arms and told her that he wanted her to _stay_. 

Rey fights the urge to cry right then and there, sitting out on the porch of her cabin as the clock ticks closer and closer to ten. 

She _wants_ this. She wants to be able to walk away from this summer with more than just a broken heart. The goals she’d set for herself still felt like things she should try for, anyway. They were goals that were made for the person Rey felt like she was becoming. 

Desperately, she wants to keep trying to be that girl. 

Even if it means becoming her without Ben. 

So, she walks to the flagpole to find Rose already waiting and smiles widely when the tiny brunette claps her hands excitedly upon her arrival. 

Everyone else trickles in after that; a few counselors escort their campers over, some wearing their Pendants and others with necks bare, just like Rey. 

They start hiking up at 10:05, just as promised, and Rey stays next to Rose the whole time. It’s her own choice this time, because the urge to run back down the hill at any given second is extremely present with each step Rey takes. 

By the time they reach the entrance, everyone’s breathing a little hard. In the distance, Rey can see torches lit, illuminating a pathway that leads to more darkness. Even if she squints, the destination remains a mystery. It really is as magical looking as they all said. 

“Okay, Bronzers. You guys are up first,” Rose states, reaching into her backpack to pull out three Bronze Pendants. One of them is Rey’s, and the others belong to two campers, both in the oldest boy’s cabin. “Time to get blindfolded.”

Rey gulps. She watches as Rose instructs the boys to kneel down so she can blindfold them with the bandanas that match the color of the Pendant. Once their eyes are fully covered, she places them in a line and then puts one of the boy’s hands on the others shoulders. 

“Jake, you’ll lead Devon and I'll lead you. I’ll let you guys know if there’s any steps up or down or big rocks or anything. Don’t worry.” 

Both boys nod, and then Rose turns to Rey. 

“Ready?” she asks softly, and Rey takes a deep breath in before nodding. 

She crouches down a little so Rose can blindfold her, and soon, the entire world is dark. 

Rey feels Rose take her hands to put them onto Devon’s shoulders. The sounds surrounding them are amplified; the crickets and hissing cicadas are louder than they’ve ever been, and Rey swears she can hear frogs now, too. When Rose speaks again, it almost sounds like she’s on a mic. 

“The rest of you guys, wait here with Mitaka. I’ll be back to get you when it’s your turn.” 

A few footsteps, and then, she feels Devon start to lurch forward. Rey follows blindly. Literally. They walk excruciatingly slowly over the rocky, uneven terrain, and Rey’s thankful for the sturdiness of her boots as she catches Devon from nearly twisting his ankle a couple of times. 

Eventually, they come to a halt, and she recognizes the voice that speaks next. 

“Welcome to Pendant Point,” Leia says. “I would like to congratulate you all on your commitments. This place now belongs to you, just as it belongs to every Pendant holder. Please know that you may always return to it, whenever you may need. It will always be open for you.” 

A beat, and then, “Rose will now lead you to the center, where your ceremony will take place. Remember, this evening is about you and your journey. As you walk, as you hold onto each other, remember why you are here in the first place. Remember who it is that you want to be when you walk away from this place tonight. Forgive yourself of your past wrongdoings and walk into this place with your head held high. You are meant to be right here, right now.” 

Leia’s voice sounds suspiciously close to Rey, and when she feels a hand squeeze gently at her shoulder, she has to stop her bottom lip from trembling. 

They start walking again. 

Soon, they’re going downhill, and Rey can hear Rose’s voice directing each of them on when to step down so they don’t tumble down the rocks. It takes a few moments for them to make it onto even ground, and then Rey can smell the lighter fluid that’s keeping the torches lit. Devon leaves her grip moments later, and Rey stands there, not sure what to do with her hands.

Rose doesn’t give her much time to fidget before she’s there, grasping them and leading her somewhere. They stop after a few paces, and then she feels Rose lean in. 

Her voice is barely a whisper as she says, “This is where you’ll kneel for the ceremony. Don’t worry about the rocks; I put a towel down for your knees.” 

Rey nods, and holds Rose’s hands tightly as she drops slowly to her knees. 

The ceremony is nothing short of beautiful. 

Rose, Leia, Luke, Paige, Poe, and a few of the older campers all have their own readings, which they perform with practiced precision. Luke is boastful and dramatic where Leia is quiet but powerful, and Paige tears up as she reads a poem about love and friendship and the bonds that help us become the best versions of ourselves.

Each of them carries a specific message that is meant to help ready your mind for the full commitment to your first Pendant. Your first dive into the pool of self-betterment. 

When Leia begins her last piece, Rey’s composure shatters. 

“I have to live with myself and so, I want to be fit for myself to know. I want to be able as days go by, always to look myself straight in the eye; I don’t want to stand with the setting sun and hate myself for the things I have done. I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf, a lot of secrets about myself and fool myself as I come and go into thinking no one else will ever know the kind of person I really am, I don’t want to dress up myself in sham,” she reads flawlessly, and tears are streaming down Rey’s face as she goes on. 

“I want to go out with my head erect. I want to deserve all men’s respect; but here in the struggle for fame and wealth, I want to be able to like myself. I don’t want to look at myself and know I am bluster and bluff and empty show. I never can hide myself from me; I see what others may never see; I know what others may never know, I never can fool myself and so, whatever happens, I want to be self-respecting and conscience free.” 

By the end of it, Rey’s sobbing quietly to herself, clenching her fists at her side. She wants all of those things, too. She wants them more than anything.

She wants, wants, _wants_ to like the person that she is right now. To give herself credit for how far she’s gotten, for how much she’s fought to be here. She wants to love herself, to go easy on herself, to be kind to herself the way the world has refused to for so long. 

Maybe, just maybe, this Pendant will remind her to do just that. 

“Now,” Rose begins, clearing her throat. “Your counselors will come around and tie your Bronze Pendants. They will talk you through it all, offering you words of encouragement and congratulations on this journey you’ve made. Remember always that the Pendant is an outward symbol of your inward goal to care for and love the person that you are, and to work for the person that you want to become.” 

Rey’s eyes squeeze tighter shut at Rose’s words. They talked about it at length; Rose went over the goals she’d set for herself and discussed them with Rey, agreeing that she would be thrilled to tie her Pendant for her. So, when Rey hears footsteps shuffling closer, she expects nothing but her sweet, willful friend to crouch down next to her. 

Rey absolutely, positively does not expect to feel a large, calloused hand gently grip onto her arm, and she inhales sharply, unsure of what to make of it. 

Maybe Luke, stepping in to help Rose as she leads the ceremony.

Except then her other arm is gripped, too, and two thumbs start to gently caress her bare skin. Rey’s hand claps over her mouth as she realizes exactly who is behind her. 

Before she has a chance to really react, she hears Ben’s low, deep voice in her ear, quiet enough that it’s only for her, and it feels like the entire world has been sucked free of oxygen. She can’t _breathe._

“I hope this is okay,” he whispers, his mouth so close to her skin, his breath so warm. 

Rey nods quickly. Anything to get him to keep talking to her like that. 

“Okay, good,” Ben says, still rubbing idle circles onto her arm. 

When his hands leave her, she has to stop herself from protesting out loud. Only once they return, touching her shoulders now, does she let out a breath. 

“I’m going to tie your Pendant now, because I don’t want anything to distract me from what I’m about to tell you,” Ben breathes. “Is that okay?” 

Rey nods again. 

She feels the heavy weight of something around her neck then, and Ben’s handling her with such care, his fingers delicately tracing her collarbone as he places the necklace in the right spot. Rey lets out a sigh when she feels his fingers at the back of her neck. 

Against her skin, she can feel when he clasps it. When Ben leans forward to press a small, barely-there kiss to the back of her neck once he’s done, she has to stop herself from melting into him. 

It feels like a dream—like she fell down on her way here and this is just some elaborate fantasy she’s concocted in her head while unconscious. 

There’s no way he’s really here. After everything. But then his voice is back in her ear, and it drags her back to this wonderful, magical reality. 

“Let me say first: I don’t think there are enough words in any language that would allow me to accurately describe how incredible I think you are.” 

Rey bites her lip, swallowing hard and feeling instantly how sandpapery her mouth is. 

“But you deserve for me to try,” Ben says, and then his hands are back on her arms, and he’s rubbing them with his whole palms this time. It grounds her to the moment, his touch. She thinks maybe it always has. 

“You are formidable, Rey Johnson. _Striking_. Not just in your beauty—in fact, I think your beauty might be the least striking thing about you, and that’s really saying something considering how fucking gorgeous you are,” his words are piling up on top of each other and Rey’s fully crying now, but it doesn’t matter. She never wants him to stop. 

“I’ve never met anyone like you. You turned my entire world upside down and showed me that I’m capable of becoming the man that I’ve always wanted to be—showed me how easy it is to be him, as long as I’m standing next to you. I’ll never be able to repay you for that. You demand for the people around you to rise up to the occasion. You demand better, just by being you.” 

When her shoulders start to shake, Ben’s grip tightens. Then, she feels his hand push into her hair, pressing her head closer to him, so his lips just barely touch the shell of her ear. 

“I’m so fucking in love with you, Rey. I’ve never felt anything like this in my entire life. You’ve lit me up from the inside. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, for treating you the way I did before, but I just needed you to know.” 

Ben kisses her temple. “I love you. I love everything about you. There is no part of you that doesn’t deserve to be loved, baby. Completely, endlessly loved.” 

Rey sniffles, and then she’s turning into Ben, reaching for him blindly until she feels his arms wrap around her middle. She rips off the bandana when she’s secured against his chest, and she buries her face into his neck, breathing in deep enough that she can smell his deodorant mixed with sweat and the woods. She cries and cries, overwhelmed by his words and his heart. She’s unaware and uncaring of the scene around them and doesn’t know until she picks her head up that everyone’s left them alone at Pendant Point. 

Her face is swollen and splotchy and she can’t breathe through her nose, but when she finds Ben’s eyes in the low light of the torches, she feels lighter than she’s felt in her entire life. 

“I love you, too,” she whispers. 

Ben leans forward then, a smile on his lips as he kisses her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me rn:
> 
> follow me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe)!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end folks! 
> 
> I'm working on writing the last chapter right now and plan to post it either later this evening or tomorrow morning. 
> 
> I'm gonna miss these summer bebes so much. 🥺 
> 
> Thank you beta gals!

This time, when Ben’s headlamp illuminates the path back down to camp from Pendant Point, Rey doesn’t make fun of it. In fact, she doesn’t really talk at all as they descend the hill. Instead, she stops them every twenty feet or so just to kiss him, and Ben wishes—not for the first time—that he could live in the sound that escapes from her throat when his tongue slides into her mouth. 

They’re nearing the bottom of the hill when Ben grips Rey’s hand a little tighter, pulling her close. His lips are at her temple, his breath coming out in little pants against her skin. 

“Do you want to come over?” he whispers. 

Rey looks up at him, eyes shining under the bright blue Texas moon. She nods, and Ben’s heart soars. He nudges his head in the direction of his tiny house. “C’mon.” 

It’s a shack, really. He’s more than willing to call a spade a spade when it comes to his living quarters. The washer is in the kitchen and the pipes groan when you try to take a hot shower, but none of that matters now that Rey is standing in the middle of his makeshift living room. 

She makes even his pathetic, hand-me-down futon couch look good when she’s sitting on it, her hands sitting gently in her lap as Ben scrambles to put away random items that were strewn about in places they didn’t belong—dinner plates, sweatshirts, wrinkled books that he’s read too many times. 

Finally, _finally_ , he sits down next to her. His heart is racing and it feels like he might actually puke when they lock eyes. It’s not like he hasn’t kissed her before, or touched her, or made her come, but this—this feels different. She _loves_ him. Ben’s in awe. So much so that he can barely breathe, let alone move.

Thankfully, Rey takes things into her own hands and rids him of any hesitation by crawling into his lap. She presses against him with her knees bracketing his hips and he can smell the citrusy vanilla notes of her shampoo that break through the scent of sweat and outside. It’s truly blissful, having her so close like this.

“Does this mean that you want me to stay after all?” she asks in a hushed voice, wrapping her arms around his neck. Ben’s eyes fall, instantly pained upon remembering his venomous words. 

She’d hurt him, to be sure, but the way he reacted—

“Hey,” Rey graciously interrupts this train of destructive thoughts. “I want to stay if you want me to stay. Do you want me to?” 

He’s quiet for a minute, just staring at her. Rey swallows hard, and then he stands, lifting her in his arms and keeping her legs secured around his waist as he walks them back to his shoebox of a bedroom, complete with a full mattress sitting on just the boxspring and a dresser from Ikea. At least, he thinks, he remembered to make his bed. 

He deposits Rey gently onto the mattress, hovering over her for a moment as he takes her in, all bronzed skin and bright, honey-hazel eyes. Completely irresistible. 

“I want you to stay forever,” Ben tells her. 

Rey’s smile is infectious; he can see almost all of her teeth with how wide it is, and then she’s surging up to kiss him. Her arms are secure around his neck still as she opens her mouth for him, both of them groaning when their tongues collide. It’s unreal, how turned on he gets just by kissing her. His dick is already half-hard in his pants and they both still have all of their clothes on.

Ben wants to remedy that immediately, so he reaches down to tug Rey’s shorts down her slim legs, thankful that she chooses to wear loose-fitting athletic clothes most of the time so he doesn’t have to fiddle with any buttons or zippers. She’s bare underneath because the shorts have a built-in pair of underwear, and even though he’s seen her like this before, he’s no less mesmerized at the sight. 

He moves to lift up her shirt. Rey’s arms leave his neck as she reaches up, her hair falling loose as he pulls it completely off. She shakes the rest of it out, her chestnut locks cascading down to her shoulders in tangly waves. He watches as she unclasps her sports bra and tosses it aside, and then she’s laying back, completely naked, in Ben’s bed. 

His cock twitches against his shorts. He’s fully hard now, breathing heavily as he looks at her. 

“You’re perfect,” he says as his palms lightly trace up and down her torso. He’s standing between her open legs, leaning against the mattress, and he can’t—for one second—stop looking at her. “Every inch of you is fucking perfect.” 

Ben drops to his knees. He kisses the inside of her thighs, feels how they shake against his hands as he goes, and he gets within inches of her hot center when she squeezes her legs shut on either side of his head. He peeks up at her from where he sits. 

Rey’s staring at him with wide eyes. “We just hiked for like forty minutes. I’m so gross.” 

He smirks, pressing a light kiss right next to her inner lips. “There’s nothing about you that’s gross.” 

“Ben—” 

“Rey, I want to make you come on my tongue before I fuck you,” he breathes against her skin. “Will you let me do that?” 

Her mouth clamps shut. Slowly, she nods. 

“Relax, baby,” he whispers into her wet cunt. He hears her head fall back against the mattress as his breath hits her there. 

When he licks a stripe up her slit, Rey cries out. She’s so responsive, every little move he makes with the tip of his tongue elicits a new sound, and Ben thinks he would be content to stay right here all day, face buried in her pussy, if it meant he got to hear her sound like _that._

He finds her clit after a brief search and teases it a little with the flat of his tongue before drawing away to trace light circles at her entrance. Rey’s hips lift off the bed but he’s right there, pushing her back down with his palm flat against her belly. 

“ _Ben._ ” 

Ben moans into her, moving upward to suck on her clit as he presses just the tip of his index finger into her. His breath shudders.

“So wet, sweetheart. Always so wet for me.” 

Rey’s responding moan is indecent—it goes straight to his rigid cock. He pumps his finger fully into her as he alternates between laving her clit with his tongue and sucking it in between his lips. He removes his hand from her stomach eventually, hoping she’ll grind up against his face. She does just that, fucking herself with his tongue and his finger as hard she wants to. He adds a second finger and she practically screams as she comes, soaking his chin and his mouth. 

He’s never been so turned on in his entire life. 

“Beautiful,” he says reverently, staring in awe as liquid starts to pool on his comforter. 

“Get up here,” Rey rasps. Ben nearly pounces on her. “Off,” she groans, reaching for the hem of his shirt.

He obeys her request enthusiastically, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it aside. She’s reaching for his belt but he beats her to the punch, standing momentarily to rid himself of his shorts, briefs and socks before climbing atop her once again. 

It’s quiet between them for a second, like the rush of it all has slowed to a gentle halt as Rey pushes her fingers into his hair and sweeps away the strands that have fallen into his face. They’re staring into each other’s eyes and the way she’s smiling at him makes his heart squeeze tightly in his chest. 

“I’m on the pill,” she says quietly. “If you wanted to—” 

Ben leans down and kisses her. They’re panting into each other’s mouths after a few moments, and he’s pushing her legs apart with his knees, reaching down to align his achingly hard cock with her entrance. 

They don’t look away from each other as he presses into her slowly. Rey’s mouth falls open as the tip pushes through easily with how wet she is, and soon, he’s buried inside of her to the hilt. It’s unlike anything he’s ever felt in his life. She’s warm and tight, pulsating around him and gripping his cock like she wants to pull him even deeper inside. Ben lets his forehead fall onto Rey’s softly as he pulls out just slightly before pushing back in. When she hisses quietly, he picks up his head, eyes widening. 

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” 

She shakes her head quickly. “No. No, it’s just—” She bites her lip. “You’re _big_. I’m adjusting.” 

“Oh.” The tips of his ears feel like they’re on fire. “Am I—should I—” 

“Don’t stop. Please, Ben,” she breathes. 

“Okay,” Ben obeys, starting a soft rhythm that seems to be working for her, if her mouth hanging open in a silent cry is any indication. He watches her eyebrows unfurrow slowly, her face going more slack with each of his gentle thrusts. 

Being inside of her like this, as deep as he can get, is euphoric. It’s a piece of heaven that he’s never known, and he can’t help but bury his face in her neck as a bead of sweat rolls down her skin, catching it with his tongue in an effort to fill every one of his senses with her. 

“You feel amazing,” Ben wheezes. 

Rey nods. “You too.” 

He picks his head up, his hips rolling into hers at a steady, unhurried pace. “Yeah?” 

She looks into his eyes and the smile that tugs at her lips, the dimples that form in her cheeks make him nearly come on the spot. Rey reaches up to cup his face and Ben can feel a treacherous wetness forming in his eyes as he stares at her. She’s beautiful in every way, laid out in front of him like this as he fucks her slow and sweet. He never wants to stop. 

“I love you,” he whispers, leaning into her palm. 

“I love you.”

He presses harder into her then, picking up speed as they both gasp. Ben leans down to kiss her, catching her moans in his mouth and letting them mix with his as she grabs at his haunches to urge him further. 

“I’m yours, Ben,” Rey says against his lips. “I’ve never wanted to be anything but yours.” 

Ben doesn’t break eye contact with her as he pulls her hands up and over her head in both of his, interlocking their fingers and bringing them even closer as he pounds into her. Their pelvises touch as he bottoms out with each powerful stroke and he’s already close but he doesn’t care—not when she’s looking at him like this, saying things to him like this, feeling the way she does right now. 

“You’re mine, baby,” Ben agrees wholeheartedly. 

Rey nods, and he can see now that she’s started to cry, too. It’s as intimate and raw as he’s ever been with anyone—he feels split wide open, clean down the middle and exposed to her, but he doesn’t feel unsafe or even vulnerable. He feels strong. She makes him feel like he’s got nothing to be afraid of. She makes him feel like all of this was worth it. All the years of heartbreak and longing, of distance and aching regret, it was all worth it because she’d been waiting for him on the other side all along.

Ben releases one of her hands and slides his own down until his middle and index finger find her clit. He doesn’t falter with his thrusts, but he can feel himself slipping closer and closer toward the edge. Rey’s eyes roll back when he swipes the nub, finding a steady circular rhythm that has her panting and letting out little moans with every exhale. 

He’s never seen anything quite as gorgeous as Rey coming apart in front of him. 

“You gonna come?” he asks, voice broken. Rey nods. “ _Good_. Come on my cock, Rey. Let me feel it all.” 

“ _Ben,”_ she moans, and then she’s there, gripping him so tightly that Ben nearly blacks out. She looks like a fantasy when she comes, her face all screwed up in pleasure and her breath caught in her throat, nearly choking. He’s still rutting into her, as much as he can with how tight she’s gone, and it isn’t until she finally exhales, practically screams into his waiting mouth that Ben follows her. 

The feeling of her holding him inside of her as he fills her with everything he has is otherworldly. She keeps him there, squeezing around him as his cock twitches inside of her, coming harder than he ever has in his entire life. He’s breathing heavy against the crook of her neck where his head fell with the impact of it all, and when Rey’s legs start to shake around him, he lifts up his head and smiles. 

Her head is tilted back still, eyes shut tightly as she lay motionless beneath him. Ben kisses up her neck and to her jaw until she comes back to him, breathless and boneless. 

Rey wraps her arms around his neck. She smiles at him like he’s the only thing that matters, and it makes Ben want to cry again. 

He’s never felt so _wanted_. It’s something he could definitely get used to. 

“I love you,” Rey whispers. 

Ben nuzzles her nose with his. “I love you, sweetheart. So much.” 

  
  


* * *

The last closing ceremony is set up slightly different from all of the others. Once the camp is cleared of its last campers of the summer, the staff all gather in Davis Hall and watch a video of clips from the summer. It’s usually accompanied by a sappy song that makes everyone cry, and this summer’s edition is no exception. 

Green Day’s _Time of Your Life_ is one of the staples of the camp video soundtrack, and it never leaves a dry eye in the house. It plays through the loudspeakers near the stage as all the counselors watch, Ben, Leia and Luke standing a few feet behind them. 

Rey’s near the front, sitting with one arm around Rose and one around Kaydel as they sway to the music. He smiles as her head falls back in laughter at one of the clips. 

“I’m guessing you two made up?” his mother murmurs at his side. 

Ben clears his throat and looks down at her. “Yeah,” he says. “Thanks for—for talking me through it. It really helped.” 

Leia doesn’t look at him, but a warm smile crosses her lips. “Don’t thank me, honey. That’s my job. I’m just glad you got your head out of your ass before she left the continent.” 

Ben huffs out a laugh. “Me, too.” 

She’s got her arms folded over her chest as she watches the group contentedly. Toward the end, she leans over to him. Ben tilts his ear down. 

“One of the branches on that big tree by the boat dock broke off onto the concrete last night. Can you go over and take a look at it?” 

Ben’s eyebrows furrow. “Sure?” 

Leia nods. She looks over to Luke, her voice a little louder when she speaks again. “It’s a two-man job,” she says in her brother’s direction. Luke turns to look at her. “Go with him.” 

He knows better than to protest against his sister, so he just narrows his eyes at her. Leia completely ignores their indignation as she turns back to the video, a smug little smirk on her lips. Ben rolls his eyes and turns around, walking out of Davis Hall, not waiting for Luke in the slightest. 

The _branch_ his mother had been referring to is massive, stretching across the entire twelve-foot boat dock. It _is_ a two-man job, but that doesn’t make him any less annoyed. 

“You grab that end,” Ben points toward the far edge of the boat dock, where one end of the branch is hanging over. 

Luke walks over in silence and picks up the branch with a grunt. Ben follows suit and they lift the ginormous thing and walk up the ramp and down the hill toward the river. They set it carefully down right at the edge of the water, out of the way and tucked nicely beneath sprawling moss and lily pads. 

His uncle wipes his hands on his jeans as they stand there. A few long moments go by, the silence between them tense and thick. Luke looks out at the river eventually, his jaw clenched as it moves, rushing past them in gentle ripples. 

“You know, we scattered his ashes here,” Luke says to the water. 

Ben’s gaze cuts to him. He feels like he’s been struck—his mouth hangs open, staring at his uncle without a single word.

Luke finally looks at him. “He didn’t want to be buried. Something about not wanting his body to decay and become worm food—I don’t remember. He asked to be cremated and to have his ashes scattered into the Comal. At the east edge of Skywalker Ranch.” 

He can feel his heart start to get heavy. He didn’t know any of that. 

“Look,” Luke shoves his hands into his pockets and walks toward him. Ben is still, eyes glued to the river. “I know you probably won’t believe it, but I _am_ sorry. For back then and for now.” 

  
  


Ben’s nostrils flare. He tries to think about something besides his father, the way his eyes lit up when Ben caught a fish, no matter how small, or the way his big hands always made him feel safe when he caught him off the rope swing. His eyes fill with tears. 

“I’ll always regret it.” Ben sniffles. “For the rest of my life. You know I will.” 

When Ben turns to look Luke in the eye, he finds sympathy, but it doesn’t provoke anger in him like it might’ve before. It’s something warmer and more forgiving than he’s come to know from his uncle.

“I know.” 

Ben nods. He looks down at his shoes, the worn out Nike runners he’s been wearing all summer, his big toe nearly poking out of the material. He wiggles it and clears his throat, trying to maintain any composure he can muster. 

“I don’t want to regret you, too,” Ben states. He sees through his eyelashes as Luke stills his tapping foot and stops rocking back and forth on his heels. 

“I don’t want that either,” Luke replies. “You have to know that I don’t want that at all.” 

Ben gives the river one last glance before he turns back to him. He lets out a heavy breath through his nostrils and nods. 

“Okay, then.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


They’re at Garcia’s and it’s loud as hell in the private room they’ve rented out. Ben sits at the head of the table with Luke and Leia on either side of him, and he can just barely pick up little snippets of conversation as they happen down the table. 

“We’ve got to figure out how to get you back next year. I know that Brighton is far away, but we can’t like, not come back. That’s not an option,” Paige tells Phasma, who nods fervently in agreement. 

“You two need to get a room, please,” Finn barks at Hux and Poe, who are nuzzling each other with giddy little grins on their faces. 

Ben can’t help his little laugh as he watches it all, the love in the room infectious and immersing. When his eyes flit to Rey about five people down on his right, he finds her looking at him. She’s resting her chin into her palm and her hair’s back in a messy bun and she looks unbelievably gorgeous, just staring at him with so much adoration in her eyes that he almost falls out of his chair. 

The smile on his face transforms into an undoubtedly idiotic grin and she laughs quietly, and all he wants to do is walk over and kiss her until she’s breathless. 

He feels a pinch on his arm all of the sudden, and he snaps out of the trance she’s put him in to find his mother glaring at him with a cocked eyebrow. 

“You know, the faster you get the speech done and the check signed, the faster you two can make heart eyes at each other in _private_ ,” she remarks. 

Ben goes beet red. Luke snorts. 

Eventually, he composes himself enough to stand, his sweet tea in hand. He clears his throat and everyone starts to quiet down, turning their chairs so they’re all facing him. 

“I just wanted to take a minute and thank all of you,” Ben begins. “It’s been one hell of a summer. You guys did amazing work—you made a lot of kids happy. I’ve never seen so many breakdowns in Davis Hall on closing day. No kid wanted to leave camp at the end of the week, and that’s because of all of you. I hope that you all had as amazing of a time here as we’ve had with you. I hope that every single one of you knows that you’re welcome back here next summer, and every summer after that. I hope that—” 

He looks around the room, and when he finds Rey’s eyes again, it’s almost magnetic. For a few moments, he can’t look elsewhere, and he doesn’t care if it’s obvious. He doesn’t care if the entire room knows how much his heart is bursting with love for her.

“I hope that you know that this will always be home for you, if you want it to be.” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come hang out with me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe) 💞


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'allllll, we made it. We've reached the end of the summer. Thank you to everyone that's stuck around with this fic and kept up with it, left me comments, messages on Tumblr, Twitter, etc. You all have truly made it possible for this story to be completed. Many, many times I wanted to quit writing it, but each time, y'all came through and inspired me with your kind words.
> 
> And of course my beta team—Heidi, Sam and Felicia—you three are unstoppable. I love ya to the moon and back. Thank you for dealing with my indecisiveness and late night DMs. Thank you for helping me flesh out ideas. Thank you for always keeping me on my toes. This work (like all my others) literally wouldn't exist without you guys. 
> 
> All that said, I hope you enjoy the last chapter. I'd love to know what you think, so please come let me know on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe) or [Tumblr](http://earstwo.tumblr.com). :) <3 
> 
> Love you all!

Finn and Rey are leaning against Paige’s Expedition in the parking lot of Garcia’s as everyone lingers. They all know it’s time to say goodbye, to leave each other after three months of being together every single day, but it’s clear that none of them want to actually go. 

Rey knows that Phasma and Hux are on the same flight out of Texas tomorrow, heading to California for a few days at the beach before they go back to England, and Poe is tagging along with them. Paige, on the other hand, has to go back to school, so she and Phasma are sharing a tearful goodbye a few feet away from the crowd. 

Everyone is chatting among themselves, delaying the inevitable, when Finn leans over to Rey. 

“So, you’re staying after all, then?” he asks. 

Rey’s got her arms folded over her chest, resting up against the material of her camp t-shirt. She looks down at her Chacos and smiles. “Yeah, I am.” 

“How long?” 

“Supposed to go back in two weeks but—” 

Finn turns his whole body to look at her. 

“But?” 

Rey peeks up at him. “But plans change.” 

She watches Finn’s gaze flit to Ben, who is standing with his mother and uncle on the other side of the lot, talking quietly and looking on as the staff starts to part ways. 

A smile tugs at Finn’s lips, and it makes Rey’s heart feel lighter. With everything that’s happened in the past twenty-four hours, she hasn’t really had the chance to sit down with him and tell him that everything is okay. Everything is so much _more_ than okay. 

“He makes you happy?” he asks without looking away from Ben.

Rey’s eyes move from Finn to follow his gaze and she finds Ben already looking at her. His hands are in his pockets and he looks almost sheepish. A single strand of hair has fallen down onto his forehead and he tilts his head a little as they both stare at him, cheeks going slightly pink.

“He makes me more than happy,” she replies. 

Finn nods. “Alright, then.” 

“And you?” Rey asks. “What about Rose?” 

His little smirk goes fully bright as he grins, looking back to her. “She was already planning on a semester abroad, and now with Paige and Phasma being a thing, I—” Finn glances down at his shoes. “I think it’s really gonna happen—and it's gonna be so great.” 

Rey reaches out and squeezes his arm. “She’s great; you’re great. Of course it’s going to be great. I’m so happy you’re happy, Finn.” 

Finn looks fond when he finds Rey’s eyes again. “Ditto, babe.” 

When people finally start actually getting into their cars, it feels like a weight has settled in Rey’s gut. She isn’t crying—at least not yet—but she can feel the heaviness of all the emotions that are taking over. It’s such an odd combination of happiness and sadness, each ebbing and flowing perfectly in sync as she squeezes all of her friends so tightly that it hurts. 

Kaydel’s practically sobbing as she hugs Rey, gushing about how she was the best co-counselor ever, how she has absolutely no choice but to come back and do it all again next summer or she will fly across the country and drag her back by her hair. Rey laughs and when she pulls away from her, she wipes away the tears that are streaming down the blonde's face. 

“I’ll hold you to that,” Rey says softly. Kay nods, sniffling a little as she turns to Phasma to tackle her in a hug. 

Poe comes up behind her and hugs her around the shoulders. Rey giggles and turns in his arms, holding him tightly and breathing in the smell of his spicy cologne. He cradles her face when she pulls away from him. 

“See you next summer?” he asks, a little sad, but still smiling. It lights up his whole face and brings one to her lips, too. She nods, her voice a little watery when she responds. 

“There’s no place I’d rather be.” 

“Atta girl,” Poe says with a wink. 

Only a few people are left, most everyone already in their respective cars on their way to whatever their next destination is, when Rey feels a hand at her shoulder. She turns and finds Rose, and she’s surprised at how easy it is—how right it feels—to almost fall into her embrace. The overwhelming emotions come catapulting to the surface as they hold each other, and Rey blinks out a few tears. She hears Rose sniffle, too, and they both chuckle.

Rose’s arms around her middle remind Rey that she’s made some of the best friends she’s ever had this summer. Friends she doesn’t think will be gone from her life any time soon. Permanent fixtures—something that she’s not used to having. It makes her heart swell as she squeezes tighter, and when they finally break apart, both of their cheeks are red and wet. Rey wipes at hers with the back of her hand. 

“We shouldn’t be crying because I’m going to see you _very_ soon,” Rose declares, and Rey nods. 

“Very soon.” 

“You’re on Whatsapp, right?” 

Rey nods again, sniffling. 

“Okay, good.” 

Rey smiles brightly at her friend. “Love you.” 

Rose scrunches her nose. “Love you more,” she replies, and looks back to where Ben is still standing, watching and waiting patiently. “Now go get your man.” 

Rey snorts. “Get outta here.” 

Rose shrugs and nudges Rey’s shoulder playfully before turning around to walk back to Finn, who’s waiting for her at the car with the dopiest smile Rey’s ever seen. 

And then it’s just Rey in the parking lot. Car doors slam shut and engines roar to life as she stands there on the hot asphalt, putting her hand over her eyes to shield them from the sun as she looks over to find the F-350’s black paint sparkling in the sunlight. 

Ben’s leaning against it, watching her. She starts to walk toward him, their eyes locked, and Rey wonders if he’s even real—or if he’s a mirage brought on by the Texas heat. It’s an ungodly thing, the sticky summer weather, and it could very well be playing tricks on her. 

Because it all still seems too good to be true—that she loves this man, that he loves her back. 

Rey isn’t used to getting the things that she wants in life. She’s had to fight tooth and nail just to get the things she _needs_ . The feeling of _having_ something she wants—wholly—is foreign at best. She wants to hold Ben tightly, to cling to him with all the strength she has so there’s no chance that he’ll slip through her fingers. As uncertain as their future may be, she knows one thing to be unequivocally true: she doesn’t want to lose him ever again. 

  
  


His black t-shirt is stretched in all the right places and the little smile on his lips makes her heart flutter. He looks so pleased to see her as she approaches that she wants to launch herself into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist the way she likes. 

“Hi you,” he says when she’s close enough to touch. 

Rey presses up on her tiptoes and Ben leans down, slotting his lips over hers with a little chuckle. When they break away, even after such a small exchange, Rey’s slightly breathless.

“Hi.” 

She rounds the corner and pulls herself into the passenger seat of the truck with minimal difficulty, although it is definitely not a graceful execution. 

Ben’s pulled out of the parking lot and back on the main road when he takes one hand from the wheel to place it softly on Rey’s thigh. He rubs his thumb back and forth, all possessive and sweet, and Rey feels like the gentle motion is radiating feeling everywhere. 

He looks criminally good driving his massive truck, with his sunglasses and t-shirt and perfectly tanned skin, and he’s got that classic Solo smirk fixed on his lips. Rey scooches closer to him, and Ben picks up his arm and wraps it around her shoulder. He rubs his palm up and down her arm when she’s right up against him and presses a kiss to her temple. 

“Where are we going?” she asks softly, turning to nuzzle his neck with her nose. 

“I’m taking you on a date.” 

Rey scrunches up her nose. “Oh?” 

Ben keeps his eyes on the road, but his smile grows. “Mhm.” 

They go to the dam. In the twilight, the water looks almost violet. Ben backs up into a spot close enough to the dam that they can see everything but far enough away that they won’t be disturbed by loud, drunk dam sliders. He walks around the truck to open Rey’s door and helps her down by taking her hand and lifting her from the waist. When they walk back to the bed and Ben opens the tailgate, Rey’s eyes go wide. 

It’s like something straight out of Pinterest. He’s got a palette laid out on the bed that looks soft and big enough to save them from the hardness of the truck bed floor, accompanied by blankets and the biggest, fluffiest pillows Rey has ever seen. There’s a thermos next to a lantern that’s glowing softly in the middle of it all, bathing the scene in dull gold.

“You did this for me?” she asks sheepishly, her hands at her cheeks. 

Rey feels Ben’s arms wrap around her middle from behind. 

“I’ve never taken you on a date before. I wanted to make it special,” he says softly with his lips close to her ear. 

She turns around in his arms. “I love it. I love it so much. Thank you.” 

Ben smiles and leans down to kiss her. He breaks away from her after a few seconds, despite the fact that she follows after him, and he chuckles as he breathes in her ear, “I also brought chocolate and wine.” 

Her face lights up. “Have I told you today how much I love you?” 

He laughs, and it feels like her heart is completely weightless in her chest. Like it could float away if she didn’t have her ribcage to contain it. 

Ben leans down slightly and then Rey’s being lifted, her legs folding around his middle as he sets her onto the bed, following behind quickly as she backs up and starts to make herself comfortable. 

There’s distant sounds of laughter and chatter from the dam, and she can see the bright blue and green of the mats that people use to slide down the vast structure. It always left her with a slew of painful-looking bruises, but the thrill of it was always worth every blemish. 

As soon as they’re both settled in, Rey tucks herself into Ben’s side again. She leans her head back on his neck, content in a way that she’s definitely not familiar with in the slightest. 

“So two weeks,” Ben murmurs. 

Rey nods. “Two weeks.” 

It’s quiet between them for a second, and then Ben clears his throat. 

“And then?” 

Rey fidgets with her thumbnail. She knows this conversation needs to happen—has been anticipating it since he told her he loved her at Pendant Point. He’d turned her entire world on its head. Rey isn’t quite sure if things will ever be the same after that. 

She stares at her hands. “And then I—I was thinking about looking into a student visa.” 

Ben’s arms go a little tighter around her. “Yeah?” 

Rey tilts her head to look at him and nods. Ben gives her a small, shy smile.

“I’m...um,” he starts, jaw clenching. “I’m not going back to New York. I was on sabbatical but I just—I don’t think I can go back there. Not after everything—after all of this.” 

He looks nervous to tell her this, like he’s revealing some precious secret. Rey stares at him, her eyes moving between his eyes and his lips as he talks, avoiding eye contact with her. 

“What do you want to do?” she asks him. 

Finally, he looks at her. “This, I think.” 

“You want to keep running the camp?” 

Ben lets out a long breath. “My mom and uncle aren’t getting any younger. I think it makes the most logical sense for me to stay. Keep things above water and set us up for the future.” 

Rey smiles. Her eyes feel wetter as the seconds pass. She wants to wrap her arms around his neck and pepper his face with kisses, but instead, she settles for, “I’m so proud of you, Ben.” 

He ducks his chin again, his shyness winning out against his pride. Rey picks it up so he’s looking at her. “I mean it. When you first got here, there was no place you wanted to be less. And you—you made this summer so special for so many people. You made _me..._ ” 

She trails off, shaking her head as she attempts to combat against the inevitable tears. 

“You made me realize that I could have a home. I went my whole life never understanding what it meant—to be home, to feel supported and cared for. You gave that to all of us. I’ve never been homesick, never had the chance to be, but I’m homesick for camp already and I haven’t even really left yet. That’s because of you. Even when you were grumpy, or impatient, or calling me out for something or another—” 

Ben opens his mouth to say something but Rey places her fingers gently over his lips. He stills, and she continues. 

“Even then. Even _then_ , camp was home. You—” she stutters. “ _You_ were home, Ben.” 

She can see tears welling up in Ben’s eyes as she holds her hand over his mouth. Slowly, she pulls it away, and his lips press together into a line as he breathes heavy through his nose. 

“I want you with me,” Ben whispers. “I want you there, with me, by my side, through all of it.” 

Rey lets out a watery chuckle. “You do?” 

The responding smile he gives her is so sincere, so reverent that it nearly knocks the wind out of her. 

“I’m at my best when I’m standing next to you. I need you with me, next summer—and all the summers after. If you want.” 

Rey kisses him. It takes only mere moments before she’s crawling into his lap, her knees resting against the soft mattress pad. His hands are at her hips, squeezing gently as she kisses and kisses and kisses him, opening her mouth for him when his tongue grazes her lower lip. 

Ben urges her hips further against his and they both break off to let out shaky, shuddering breaths at the feel of each other. Rey rests her forehead against his. 

She nods slowly, letting her skin caress his with the motion. “I want to be where you are.”

He chuckles and mirrors her nod. Rey smiles so big that her cheeks literally start to feel tired. She wraps her arms tighter around his neck, pressing a soft kiss into his lips. 

“God, I love you,” Ben breathes into her mouth when they break apart. 

Rey’s eyes flutter shut. She lets his words, his touch, and his ever-warm light consume her as she sits in the bed of his truck under the purple sky. When she tells him that she loves him too, she means it with every fiber, every _iota_. 

She loves him. 

She loves camp. 

She loves this beautiful thing that she’s discovered—this hot, bright, devastatingly big thing that she’s stumbled upon in the last place she expected to. _Her_ place in the world. An ease, a comfortability that she’s never known, set out right in front of her, loving and welcoming. 

Rey melts further into Ben, relishing in how his arms feel as they tighten around her, and she understands, finally, what it means to belong. 

  
  
  



End file.
